What to do if your child is too shy and unsociable. What to do if you can’t cope with painful shyness, who to turn to for help

I would not call shyness a character trait that is necessary for each of us. It seems to me that this quality only prevents people from moving towards their goals and success, from declaring to the world about themselves and their capabilities. As a rule, too shy people cannot achieve what they want, because they are simply afraid to take at least some steps towards this.

Being shy as a child is not scary...

No, I’m not saying that being shy is bad, but still there is something reasonable in the saying about arrogance - the second happiness. Don't you think so?

Most of us know what shyness is, but the majority quite successfully overcome themselves and move towards success. And there are those for whom this character trait is real torture.

I had a classmate who studied well, knew all the topics by heart, but did not receive the best grades simply because she was embarrassed to answer. The teachers lifted her from her seat, and she immediately blushed and did not utter a word. This same classmate had a very difficult time in a group: she tried to isolate herself from us, rarely supported conversations on any topics other than studies, and did not go anywhere with us.

Shyness is not a bad trait, or rather, it is not bad until the very moment it begins to interfere with a person’s life, communication and work. The already mentioned classmate has not yet been in a relationship, despite the fact that she is a beautiful girl. It is very difficult for her to build relationships precisely because of difficulties in communication.

It seems to me that if any character trait interferes with life, you need to get rid of it. But first, it’s worth understanding where it came from.

Reasons for shyness

As a rule, this character trait manifests itself already in childhood. Very often in the sandbox you can notice a baby playing with himself and not trying to communicate with his peers. Shy people are often confused with introverts. These are completely different concepts, because the latter simply does not feel the need to communicate with anyone, while the shy would like to, but is afraid to start a conversation.

Such childhood shyness can be outgrown and no trace will remain of it, but this is if others support it. Sometimes it happens that specific upbringing is superimposed on innate modesty. Here there can already be problems, and considerable ones.

If the child’s parents themselves are rather reserved and unsociable, there is a high probability that their baby will not inherit the best character traits. I would say that there is a little fault of mom and dad here, because they unconsciously instill in the child a completely wrong line of behavior.

I noticed that shy people often grow up from those children whose parents were too protective of them and would not let them go anywhere. Especially at a very young age. And then the moment comes to go to school and what happens? But it turns out that the child is completely unprepared and does not know how to communicate with peers.

Very often, people who have low self-esteem and suffer from perfectionism suffer from shyness. They make great efforts to do the work assigned to them perfectly, but they worry that the world around them will not appreciate their efforts.

Problems due to shyness

To be honest, I can only talk about the difficulties that arise due to excessive modesty in theory, because I myself have never been a shy child. Quite the contrary. My parents and those around me were simply amazed at how easily I agreed to speak in front of the public. There were legends around school about my “not giving a damn” (there’s no other word for it) :-) Nothing has changed with age, except that I became a little more reserved and stopped liking being the center of attention.

In childhood, shyness makes it difficult to approach peers and play with them, but this does not greatly harm life. In adolescence, everything gets a little worse - difficulties with studying begin. But in adulthood, a person faces much more serious problems. All about the same girl: she faces a huge number of difficulties in life. I’ll digress a little from the topic and say that at the age of 26 she had never worked anywhere, simply because she was embarrassed to call advertisements for vacancies... Isn’t this a problem?

Moreover, even if such a “shy person” is helped with his position, he is unlikely to receive a well-deserved promotion and, most likely, will work for a long time in the same place with the same modest salary.

People who are too shy may find it difficult to attend crowded events and use public transport: after all, they will have to talk to someone and shout at which stop they need to stop. Most shy people are extremely impressionable and they can worry for a very long time if something doesn’t happen as they planned. And this will only worsen shyness and lead to even more complexes.

It is very difficult for shy people to arrange their personal lives. Here, quite confident in myself, I periodically hesitate to approach/talk/write to the guy I like, but I can’t even imagine what goes on in the heads of shy girls!

Again, all to the same classmate... As I said, she had never built a relationship with anyone. Firstly, because she did not dare to talk to the object of her adoration, and secondly, because even having spoken, she was instantly lost and did not know how to maintain a conversation.

You ask, how do I know so much about her personal life? My best friend somehow ended up being the object of her affection. He just said that there was nothing to talk about with a classmate. To say that I was surprised is to say nothing! A girl who has read a lot of books, who has a lot of hobbies and writes poetry is not an interesting conversationalist?! It turns out yes, since modesty did not allow me to reveal my intellect and erudition.

Is there anything positive about shyness?

I described in all colors why I consider shyness a bad personality trait, but is there really nothing good about it? It seems to me that there is still something there.

For example, selectivity when choosing friends and partners. Shy people choose their social circle extremely carefully and rarely succumb to provocations and intrigues. If they have already considered the good traits in a certain person that appeal to them, they are unlikely to listen to gossip and unflattering words about their friend.

Moreover, shy people are completely devoid of such qualities as intrusiveness and arrogance - many people like this.

Despite the fact that shy people rarely have many friends, they themselves can be called quite loyal and good friends, which I was lucky enough to see more than once. “Shy people” are trustworthy and you don’t have to worry that they will ever stick a knife in your back.

I also like kindness and the almost complete absence of aggressiveness. Noticing our classmate in the conflict was almost as difficult as seeing a UFO with my own eyes.

In addition, modesty is usually combined with attentiveness, which means that such people will make excellent specialists in those areas that require caution and concentration.

How to overcome shyness?

If I still haven’t convinced anyone with my arguments that being shy is good, I offer options on how to get rid of this character trait. But it seems to me that you need to fight shyness only if it really interferes with living a full life.

So, step one is to determine exactly when the embarrassment overwhelms you. It seems to me that shyness rarely manifests itself in all aspects of life, most likely only in a few - the most public ones.

Step two is to learn to relax. This is very important, because shyness plus fear = an explosive mixture. To relax, breathing exercises or even meditation are suitable. When I get really nervous, I just close my eyes and take a couple of deep, slow breaths. Usually, this helps to cope with excessive nervousness. It is very important to get out of the current difficult situation at least several times in a row without stress, embarrassment and blushing. This is already a small victory!

Step three is raising self-esteem. Stop comparing yourself to others and thereby upsetting yourself. Get rid of this really bad habit and try to find something interesting and different from everyone else in your personality.

This is especially true for external data: you need to understand that ideal beauties exist only on the covers of magazines. And then, in order for them to look beautiful, several retouchers worked on them. You need to find your zest and boldly use it. Understand that as soon as you start to think that you are beautiful, special and interesting, the people around you will start to think so too.

Step four - stop listening to other people's opinions. No, it’s not that you don’t need to listen to people, but you definitely don’t need to constantly worry about how they will react to this or that action of yours. Remember that while you are worried about some opinions, their owner is living and enjoying his life.

It seems to me that some guys even like shy girls, but for some reason most of them do not suffer from increased attention from the opposite sex, but remain lonely. Why? I have no idea, but I think it’s because men simply don’t notice their merits in reserved beauties.

Shy guys have even less chance of starting a relationship, because it is from them that girls will wait for the first step, which men are unlikely to dare to take.

One of the main reasons for shyness when meeting the opposite sex is, again, unattractiveness - imaginary or real, it doesn’t matter. Both of them interfere. To get rid of problems, you need to try to correct your own appearance, bringing it to the state where you begin to like yourself.

And of course, you need to try to realize that not everyone evaluates you only by how you look. Most people are much more interested in your inner world and attitude towards others.

How do you feel about shy people? Does he consider himself like this? Do you think shyness is a positive or negative trait?

Let's look at why some people are shy and others are not.

Your heart is beating wildly in your chest, your hands begin to tremble, your face turns crimson. A lump in my throat - all the words completely flew out of my head. And then you hear your own voice, uncertain, quiet, somehow alien... Agree, many people are familiar with at least one of these symptoms. Communication with strangers, public speaking, communication with members of the opposite sex - in such situations a person may feel constrained.

Shyness and constraint, as a reaction to such situations, are inherent in almost all people. But the intensity of the experience and the number of situations that cause anxiety may vary. So, shy people have much more circumstances, and the reaction is much stronger than other people.

Shyness when meeting people

This quality is the fear of being rejected and ridiculed. Such a person is afraid to somehow express himself, to be open in front of other people. It's easier for him to be in the shadows. But not only public speaking can cause anxiety, but even a conversation with someone you know. Shy people experience embarrassment when they find themselves in an unfamiliar place or experience anxiety in advance of an important event. The fear of doing something wrong or not showing your best side leads to constant self-analysis. Fear of failure in life gives rise to comparing oneself with a loser. As a result of such self-analysis, they come to the conclusion about their own stupidity and insignificance.

A shy person's attention is focused only on himself. This is a kind of egocentrism: all his thoughts are only about himself in search of negative traits. Shy people often worry about the impression they make on others. Such self-doubt can cause the “audience effect,” when a person constantly feels like an object of attention. In this case, timidity is a kind of defense or mask when a person does not want to show himself as he is with all the shortcomings that appear.

Myths

• Many people believe that shyness is only characteristic of children. However, timidity often manifests itself in adults, although it is more pronounced in children.
• It is also not true that this quality is inherent only to the fair half. Shy men may hide this quality behind a mask of aggressiveness and assertiveness.
• They also believe that this is a character trait that cannot be overcome. In reality, the intensity and duration of the experience depends on the person.

Reasons for the formation of shyness

Of course, upbringing influences the development of self-esteem. It is important for a person to be involved in any social group. From childhood, parents are objects of imitation, but if they are not an example of confident behavior, then this may be the reason for the formation of such qualities as timidity and shyness. In addition, the reason for the formation of these qualities may be due to the suppression of the child’s personality by the parents.

Under the influence of other people's opinions, a person can change his attitude towards himself. He picks up on the reactions of others, and if a person feels that he is considered shy, his shyness will only increase.

Are there any benefits to being shy?

People around them do not show a negative attitude towards “quiet people”; on the contrary, they have a positive attitude, characterizing them as gentle and reserved people with secular manners. Shyness indicates that these are not aggressive or conflict-ridden people. From the outside, they look self-absorbed and focused. As a rule, during a conversation they remain silent and listen to the interlocutor.

We've all been shy at some point. There are no people who have never experienced problems with shyness. It’s just that some people cope with it in childhood, while others cannot cope even in adulthood.

Shyness in terms of its level of danger is comparable for a person to narcissism. It should be moderate. A little modesty won't hurt anyone, but it's important to stick to the middle ground. Everything in a person must be balanced. This is the only way to become more successful in love, in business, in work. You don’t have to become a complete extrovert—it’s enough to just open yourself up a little to society or to its individual representatives.

Cons of Shyness

The disadvantages are obvious only in the case of very shy people, so these disadvantages are characteristic only of those who cannot control themselves and have the absolute form of this, so to speak, illness.

You can make almost any person blush, but many people depend on shyness and cannot control themselves, because this feeling guides them.

Here are the main disadvantages of shyness and their consequences:

Negativity accumulates in you. A shy person cannot say “stop” to anyone. Such men or women are very afraid of a negative reaction to their words or emotions, so these emotions accumulate inside, like a snowball - they grow and grow, increasing their volume and mass. This can lead to collapse, and it will be expressed differently in different people. Someone will do a terrible thing, someone will go inside themselves. This is very, very dangerous - the consequences can be devastating for the psyche and health in general. A person can throw out his negativity on another person who is not connected with the source of the problems.

You become a victim of aggressors. This happens on the street, at work, at school, at university - everywhere. People who are aggressive towards others have a very good sense of individuals with a subtle mental organization. If you are bullied and treated with disdain, then this is a reason to take care of yourself. That is why in childhood it is necessary to send a boy child to sports, so that he is more resistant to stress and knows how to stand up for himself mentally, and not just physically. Fear and shyness are closely related feelings that are almost identical in terms of perception by the brain. When we are shy, we are scared, so to eradicate shyness it is customary to “knock it out” like a wedge with a wedge.

You stop being yourself. A person who is constantly shy or afraid of something stops being creative and remains in tension, in a constrained position. You cannot say what you want to say, you cannot dress the way you want. You are dependent on the opinions of others, because if you go against it, you will certainly have to experience the inconvenience that you are already tired of.

Your self-esteem drops. The level of pride and self-confidence is almost zero among shy people, because they constantly compare themselves with someone. This happens absolutely automatically. People around you laugh, joke, and can talk about certain things, but you cannot. This is really terrible because you are being negative towards yourself. You begin to hate yourself, although the solution is always nearby.

You are sad, you are withdrawn. You constantly engage in self-examination when you are embarrassed by something or someone. Such people understand that they can become different, but this will attract even more attention, which they are very afraid of.

You are alone. The cause of all problems and their consequence is loneliness. Due to the lack of desire to meet other people halfway, the chances of success in work and business drop sharply. There are no shy millionaires. If there are any, then they work on themselves and try to overcome embarrassment. This illness can only be compensated for by an incredible mindset and intelligence.

Reasons for Shyness

Before you can get rid of shyness, you need to understand where it comes from.

Congenital shyness. Very often it is passed on genetically. It happens that in a family with two active and cheerful parents, a child is born full of fears and phobias. He is shy about everything in the world, but this can be corrected if you put your hand to it in time. Under no circumstances should such children be blamed for something that is not their fault. You can’t scold them again, reproach them for something.

High demands from parents. When parents want too much from a child, he withdraws into himself because he feels inferior. A father may want his son to show the best results in competitions, so he throws insults at his child. From childhood, mothers only tell girls that she should be the most beautiful, the best. This does not leave the child a chance to accept his shortcomings, but he cannot correct them either. A vicious circle arises. The result is chronic and deep self-doubt, shyness and all the ensuing consequences.

Wrong environment. No matter what anyone says, you need to choose your friends correctly. Often, a person’s environment becomes the reason for the appearance of complexes and fears, which turn into shyness. Your friends should have similar interests, financial status, and status. Otherwise, you can only earn yourself complexes if you cannot treat yourself critically and sensibly.

How to stop being shy

Step one: accept yourself. Analyze the situation to see where your shyness comes from. If its source is recent, then correct yourself. If you have been like this since childhood and could not improve in any way, then accept yourself for who you are. There are no ideal people - there are only those who perceive themselves negatively and positively. Be better - be realistic. There are financiers and accountants who calculate only with a calculator, and there are ideal female models. Anyone can become anything. The limitations are only in your head.

Step two: imagine yourself without complexes. Draw your image and come up with some life situations in your head. Imagine how you cope with difficulties and do what you are embarrassed to do. This is called mental training, which works no worse than real learning, because our brain does not understand where reality is and where fiction is.

Step Three: Learn to Treat Yourself with Humor. Well, yes, you are short, so what? You wear glasses, but it doesn't matter. There are no disadvantages that cannot be perceived as advantages. The whole problem is how you perceive yourself.

Step Four: Observe Confident People. Leading by example is always useful. It will be even better if you talk to someone about this topic. It is better for this person to be as close to you as possible.

Step five: exercise. Physical exercise cleanses a person by depriving him of the ability to think negatively. This will allow you to increase your self-confidence. A healthy body has a healthy mind, but these are not just words, because behind this statement lies the truth.

Step Six: Get Rid of Bad Habits. Overeating, sugar addiction, smoking and alcohol are the worst enemies of happiness. They make you weaker psychologically. If you get rid of any addiction, it will give you a reason to consider yourself a strong person. In this case, self-confidence is acquired very quickly, and fears and shyness go away.

Step seven: do what you're afraid of. If you are shy about meeting people, then set a goal to meet one person a day. The purpose of dating does not matter - the fact itself is important. You don't need to talk to a person for 10 minutes. Just get to know each other. Tell him or her honestly that this is how you fight an illness, a problem. Honesty and openness are another assistant in the fight against isolation and shyness.

There are several billion people living in the world. Everyone has their own weaknesses, everyone can be shy in some situations. Everything is good in moderation. If you are shy, it shows that you have a good heart, but kindness does not help in the fight against evil. You will be humiliated until you fight back. Don't let people manipulate you. Good luck and don't forget to press the buttons and

Nowadays it can hardly be said that modesty adorns a person. Most likely she will be perceived as shy or lacking self-confidence. As children, our parents taught us that it is not good to brag and demonstrate your superiority over others. Unfortunately, these lessons in the modern world only prevent you from moving forward and achieving your goals. Let's try to figure out whether modesty is needed in our world.

The benefits of modesty.

1. Modesty, of course, adorns the female half of humanity. From time immemorial, shy girls were considered the standard of femininity and good manners. In special institutes they tried to instill modesty and good manners in girls from early childhood.

2. It is much more pleasant to communicate with a shy person; he will not be rude or offend a person. He usually maintains a certain distance when communicating, so many may consider him somewhat uptight. But he will always try to help a person with advice or just a kind word. Such a person does not have a very high opinion of himself, so he will not turn up his nose and is unlikely to ask you to do anything for him, although he will certainly fulfill your request.

3. Modest people very rarely become the object of dirty gossip and intrigue, because most often they are not paid attention to. They tend to be altruistic and put the interests of others first. No matter what they say, modesty wins people over. A modest person in the eyes of others looks like a well-mannered and pleasant person.

Disadvantages of modesty.

1. Humble people are mostly unknown and rarely achieve great success in life. In our world, persistent and disruptive character is valued. People will respect you if you achieve success no matter which way, unfortunately this is the way of the modern world. This is why most people don't consider modesty a useful character trait.

2. Many men say that they prefer modest girls. In fact, statistics say the opposite. Men are interested in modest girls only at the first stage of dating. They attract men with their mystery and a certain detachment, but upon closer acquaintance, men prefer bright and relaxed women, because they get bored with a modest girl. Therefore, excessive modesty can interfere with happiness in your personal life.

3. Shy people usually do not strive to take leadership positions, because they are already satisfied with everything. Many colleagues may delegate some of their responsibilities to a humble person, knowing in advance that he will not be able to refuse them. It is extremely difficult for such a person to approach his superiors and ask him for a salary increase or a promotion. Perhaps we can agree that excessive modesty can hinder a person.

How to overcome excessive modesty?

If you have thought carefully and analyzed all the pros and cons and have firmly decided to get rid of excessive modesty, then the following recommendations will help you. But remember that if modesty has been instilled in you since childhood, then you will have to work on yourself for a long time and, above all, on your attitude towards this issue.

First, try to determine the reason for your modesty. Often, self-doubt, fears and complexes lead to excessive modesty. All people are not perfect, try not to dwell on your shortcomings, rather look for positive qualities in yourself. First of all, love yourself, start taking care of yourself and looking decent. Smile more often, this way you will win people over. Try not to pay attention to the opinions of others, remember that you can't please everyone. Don't be afraid to seem funny, know how to laugh at yourself, because self-irony only adorns a person. Straighten your shoulders and walk confidently into your new life.

However, this feeling is still widespread. And it still causes problems. Because of shyness, a person cannot make friends. Shyness prevents you from expanding your circle of acquaintances. In the end, shyness prevents you from even talking about love! But maybe there are some positive sides to it? Pros and cons of shyness. Let's talk about them.

This feeling begins to manifest itself in early childhood.

Sometimes parents do not understand what causes the child’s behavior and consider him to be serious and thoughtful beyond his years. Or they regretfully agree that their offspring has obvious problems with a sense of humor. Indeed. A shy person does not dare to smile or carry on a conversation. Meet a new person. He gives the impression of an individual who does not want to communicate.

« Shy Human even assimilates the vices of others, the proud possesses only his own" Bacon F.

Even if a shy person has a friend, he will always put his own experiences first. He is especially concerned about the opinions of strangers, in general, people. And they, in turn, consider shyness to be a manifestation of tediousness and unfriendliness. Thus, the circle of acquaintances of a too shy person melts and soon he risks being left completely alone.

But in fact, a shy person really needs ordinary communication. He just doesn't have enough experience.

Shyness can cripple the psyche just as much as the most severe physical illness can cripple the body, and its consequences can be truly devastating.

• Shyness creates difficulties when meeting new people and making acquaintances, and does not bring joy from potentially positive experiences;
• It does not allow you to declare your rights, express your opinions and judgments;
• Shyness limits the possibility of positive assessment of personal qualities by other people;
• It promotes the development of isolation and excessive preoccupation with one’s own reactions;
• Shyness interferes with clarity of thought and effective communication;
• Shyness is usually accompanied by feelings such as depression, anxiety and loneliness.

So, such sources of shyness as self-disrespect, low self-esteem, increased self-control and self-analysis can lead to irreversible consequences.

How to get rid of shyness

If you are shy, then every new acquaintance puts you in a state of stupor. You are afraid of doing something wrong and alienating the person. As a result, everything turns out exactly as you imagined. And you try to hide in the shadows and do everything possible so as not to be noticed.

« Shyness is a combination of a desire to be liked and a fear of failure." - Beauchaine P.

As you can see, until now we have only talked about the minuses, and now about the pluses

Maybe you find some positive in shyness? Perhaps only the approving glance of the grandmother. In their time, a girl's shyness was considered a virtue. And the shy guy never left his parents’ house and helped with the housework. But now is a different time and we need to fight shyness. In theory, shyness arises from insecurity. So, you just need to become more confident in yourself.

Shyness performs some vital functions for an individual such as

1. Shyness focuses attention on a person or a particular aspect of a person and makes them the subject of evaluation;
2. Shyness contributes to the mental “playing out” of difficult situations, which leads to a strengthening of the “I” and a decrease in the vulnerability of the individual;
3. The fact that shyness is generally caused by the words and actions of others guarantees a certain degree of sensitivity to the feelings and evaluations of others, especially those with whom we have emotional contact and whose opinions we value;
4. Shyness evokes greater body awareness than other emotions. The sensitivity to oneself and one's body that arises from shyness can perform certain useful functions, both biological and psychological in nature; it can be expressed in more careful compliance with hygiene rules, in actions aimed at improving appearance, which helps to increase sociability, etc.;
5. Shyness increases self-criticism and temporary feelings of powerlessness. This contributes to the formation of a more adequate “I” concept. A person who is objectively aware of himself becomes more self-critical; focusing attention on himself makes the individual aware of his own internal contradictions. In addition, a person begins to better understand how he looks in the eyes of others;
6. Increasingly confronting the experience of shyness can facilitate the development of independence, individuality and mutual love.

But the most interesting thing about shyness is its anonymity.

She is like a mask, under the cover of which a person can remain unrecognized and not stand out from the crowd. In such conditions, people often feel free from many inhibitions and act differently than they “should” act. Their behavior is freed from the restrictions usually imposed by social conventions.

What happens is that shyness is not only a phenomenon fraught with problems, but for some people it is a completely suitable lifestyle.

No one is forcing you to take decisive steps to change your life.

Try just smiling. This will show that you are not shying away from dating. A little later, when you are already comfortable with smiling, try to participate in the conversation. Don't assume that because people are having fun, they are laughing at you. Firstly, you are not such a great person to arouse the interest of everyone around you. And secondly, people often laugh because they are in a good mood. Don't think that the whole world is filled with negativity. There is enough goodness and joy in him. You just need to open your heart to him.