Is it worth living with this person? How to understand yourself and make the right choice? Is it worth living at all?
Question to a psychologist
Good day, my name is Anton. I am 21, a student, an athlete, a couple of serious flaws in appearance, lonely, inclined to learn and study everything new, thus, I plunged into the study of my shortcomings and the causes of loneliness. The situation looks like this: a guilt complex (I can’t make acquaintances with girls, because I’m ashamed in front of my family), I constantly cry from powerlessness (I can’t respond to my relatives’ insults), there hasn’t been anyone on my personal life for a long time and there won’t be, I probably often hear how bad I am and insignificant, there is no common language with people, I do everything only for the sake of others (being blown up in the middle of the night to save someone is in the order of things). I don’t drink at all, because everything ends in tears, I found peace in physical exercise and reading, and I started wondering whether it’s even worth living like this anymore? I'm 21, and I don't feel like a human anymore. If so, what and how to change?
Answers from psychologists
Hello Anton.
Life is worth living, always! Life is a process in which there are actually many options and the prohibition on choice is usually contained in a person’s head.
There are two sides to everything. One does not exist without the other. There are no tears without joy. This is the law of the universe. You have an exacerbation of deep-seated trauma. When you are sick with the flu, you know that it is temporary, despite the fact that your body aches and it is sometimes difficult to even get out of bed. but at the same time, there is an understanding that this is only temporary and it is necessary to help the body get through this by supporting it with vitamins and a certain regimen and procedures.
It’s the same in psychology - you apply the right procedures and medications and the “disease” frees you. In this case, these are some painful emotions that seem to be “stuck” in you. The change lies precisely in action - action aimed at working directly with this feeling of pain.
Love.
Osintseva Anastasia, psychologist, Obninsk
Anton, your life was not given to you, and it is not for you to decide when to end it... Look at the problem from the other side: not WHY am I like this, but WHY was I given this test? Perhaps, having walked this path with dignity, you will be a different person, you will understand something, you will hear something in yourself? There is a postulate: “The Lord does not give a cross heavier than a person can bear.” And ending your life is the easiest and simplest decision. I think a course of psychotherapy will help you become more confident in yourself and not be afraid of the opinions of your relatives. Do THEY live your life? After all, you have only one, every day will never be the same, whether it is good or bad. Everything is in your power. If you want to change something, look for a psychologist, work with your inner world, and not just your body with the help of physical exercises. don't be afraid to live. Good luck to you!
Melnikova Olga Borisovna, psychologist Nizhny Novgorod
Good answer 0 Bad answer 3 
It’s worth changing your attitude towards yourself. When you feel bad, insignificant, then of course you want to isolate yourself and hide.
how to change? - understand why these feelings are so necessary. It will be difficult on your own, it’s better to work with a specialist.
That's what psychotherapy is for.
Sincerely, Galushkina Marina Kubaevna, psychotherapist. Saint Petersburg
Good answer 0 Bad answer 1I can’t make acquaintances with girls because I’m ashamed in front of my family
Why are you ashamed? Do your family deny your need for privacy? Do they consider her “indecent”? But even if they deny it, you are an adult. At the same time, apparently, they have not yet internally separated from their relatives and are not yet able to feel like a fully grown-up. You can try to understand your relationship with your relatives yourself:
http://psyhelp24.ru/parents-children/
I can’t respond to my family’s insults
I often hear how bad and insignificant I am
Try to take steps towards realizing your own self-esteem:
http://psyhelp24.ru/uncertainty/
I have no common language with people, I do everything just for the sake of others
This training is about communicating with people, how to make acquaintances, how to build boundaries, how to say “no” yourself and accept the refusals of others:
http://psyhelp24.ru/kak-zavodit-dryzei/
You can now start doing a lot for yourself, and if at some point obstacles arise, you will know more precisely what exactly you cannot cope with and will be able to more clearly define the task to a specialist.
Sincerely, Nesvitsky A.M., psychologist, consultations on Skype
Good answer 3 Bad answer 0Good afternoon Please tell me, I am 31 years old, married for the second time, with two children from different marriages. The first marriage probably didn’t work out because of both my and my husband’s stupidity. But we loved each other, but our parents did not love each other and each mother set us against each other, my mother believed that he was not a man, did not earn money, and generally could not do anything, and his mother did not like me.
Well, how did it happen that we both just freaked out and parted ways, and then my pride began to play, I couldn’t ask him to come back. And he doesn’t know why, maybe for this reason too, or maybe not. Then, to spite him, I decided to marry someone else, he was from Moscow, rich, looked into my mouth, carried me in his arms, but that was at the beginning. At first we lived together, I quickly became pregnant for the second time, I was afraid to have an abortion, it was a sin! We got married and stayed at home and didn’t work, so he was constantly jealous of my child, he started drinking, although he always drank, he began to humiliate me, that I was nobody, and I should be grateful to him that he took me with the child, raised his hands against me, I was constantly blackmailing, either with money or that my children would be taken away from me. I’ve been living in my second marriage for 6 years, or rather I’m not living, but I’m suffering. I sat at home for 4 years, did not work, because at first I was pregnant, then I looked after the child from the second home until I sent her to kindergarten, I could not go to work, as there was no one to leave with the children. All this time my husband was drinking and partying, and was constantly blackmailing me with money, but I was judging everything, I was afraid to leave him, I still raised my hands, there were constant scandals, I had nowhere to go. After I sent my child to kindergarten, I looked for a job for a very long time. Now the work situation seems to have improved, but the salary is still small. But when I went to work, I felt like a human being. Yes, he understood this too and changed a little. I didn’t have any feelings for my husband at all after all his humiliation, but appeared for someone else. The other one says that he loves me very much despite the fact that I have two children. But I also feel sorry for leaving my husband behind. And I’m afraid to start a new relationship, in case it doesn’t work out again. Here, after work, my friends and I went to a cafe, warned him that I would be out for a walk, came home late, but he started beating and beating everyone at home, he raised his hands at me again, I decided to divorce him, I said that I was leaving him, but He keeps asking me to give him a second chance, and I know that nothing will change, although he says that he understood everything and that he won’t behave like that.
Psychologist's answer:
Hello, Elena!
I want to say right away that the situation you are in cannot have a simple solution! Therefore, for me personally, your hesitation is understandable. And yet, you can find many options for getting out of this situation, but they will depend on your position that you take in it, both focusing on your feelings and considering the impact of this situation on children.
Let's look at the events that you outlined together! If I understood you correctly, then the marriage itself was not built on “high feelings” for each other! According to you, it was concluded “out of spite” for your ex-husband. It seems to me that there is resentment towards him, perhaps due to his lack of determination in defending your relationship, and
the desire to prove to him that you are in demand, interesting to others, not the best adviser in matters of love and marriage!
It is possible that you were also driven by the desire to prove to yourself your worth as a woman, especially when the courtship of another admirer takes place at the level of “carries in his arms, looks into his mouth.” When such “requests” for confirmation of oneself “work”, it is very difficult to remain objective and notice some kind of falsity in the relationship! At the same time, a person unconsciously tells another how exactly he would like to receive confirmation of this significance of his! Hence such a response from the other! At the same time, perhaps this other is guided by his own “scenario” for the development of relations. It can be based on a system of regular trading - “today I am for her, and tomorrow she is for me!” Then, upon achieving the goal set by this person, such drastic changes in behavior are possible! After all, now she “must demonstrate to me MY importance”! And this could be a need for support, or a desire to dominate in a relationship, or even an aggressive manifestation of the desire to dominate by any means!
Not surprisingly, when such changes occur, an “epiphany” occurs. Why haven't I seen this before? How could I be so mistaken about a person? Why did he become like this?
The answer to these questions is simple - for the most part it was like that, it’s just that while you were busy realizing your “own importance”, you did not pay attention to the manifestations of such traits as incontinence, aggressiveness (possibly as a manifestation of the desire to possess you autocratically).
Now, over time, you have the opportunity to once again reconsider your relationship, only now taking a more sober look at what is happening. Review and evaluate them - how much do they satisfy you as a woman, as a mother? How long and for what purposes are you ready to continue such a relationship? How can they benefit or harm your children's development? Do you have the opportunity, strength and desire to change your life? When you can answer all these questions for yourself, you will definitely find a solution!
Despite the fact that every woman or man has the right to build their relationships according to their own choice, for which they take responsibility, when these same men and women become fathers and wives, the level of responsibility for such a choice increases many times over! Now they also carry it for their children! Their mental state, the present and future of which depends on the development of the parents’ relationship, must also be taken into account when deciding on the development or possibility of continuing the relationship! Whether they will be “traumatic” factors with which children enter adulthood, or whether this traumatic component will be minimal, now depends on you, too!
So, gather courage, wisdom and determination so that your decision is as informed as possible from all these angles! And the “scales” on which you will have to weigh the pros and cons, and the weights for them are in your hands! Choice is something that every person makes all the time! Don't give up on it and don't put it off until later, when time may already be lost!
Is it worth living for yourself?Somehow it happened that initially a kind of disdainful attitude was formed towards the woman. Since ancient times, they could easily sell, give, or steal. And note that from a young age girls always belonged to a man - in childhood they were under the authority of their father, who then handed the daughter over to the hands of the groom. And so all my life. In fact, many women then, and even now, in principle, find it difficult to answer the question - “What do I want from life: what do I like, what do I want to do?” This is because from early childhood girls are taught to serve their husbands, raise children, and only then, if there is time left, they can take care of themselves. This is where chronic fatigue and dissatisfaction with life originate. Let's see how women live who have left the category of living in the name of something and someone, and draw conclusions: is it worth living for yourself?
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Over the past year, the pain has worsened. I don’t trust doctors and continue to trust my feelings. In hot weather I can barely walk at all. I spend money on medicine. The attending physician is silent. The internal state of one’s uselessness has also worsened and it will only get worse. It seems that my social and life inadequacy is already congenital and then I see only worse, no matter how hard I try.
There will only be lies, betrayals and deceptions. I don't know if life is worth living.
It's disgusting to live. And dying is even more sickening. Honestly.
And I wrote the text now impulsively and verbosely. With typos and errors.
Support the site:
DarkCat, age: 27 / 07/07/2016
Responses:
Hello! Maybe change doctor since yours is silent. It is better not to self-medicate. Look for a feasible job, work and employment will help you cope with bad thoughts. On Orthodox dating sites you can look for your other half. Communicate with those with whom you feel comfortable; noisy companies are really not everyone’s cup of tea. I wish you health and all the best!
Irina, age: 28 / 07/07/2016
Hello. Do you want to feel needed? Help your neighbors. There are many hopelessly ill people on the Internet who need money for a stroller or for expensive medications (do this regularly, say once a week, regardless of the amount). Don’t expect a miracle right away, you’ll have to break yourself for a couple of months. What's the point of living? Well, if you believe in Christ, then you should confess and give up sinful habits (for example, men are most often attracted to pornography). You can read Nick Vujicic’s book Life without Borders, it’s autobiographical, follow its recommendations, it will help.
BADman, age: 27 / 07/07/2016
Hello! Young man, why not live? Who knows what awaits you around the corner? I also have problems with my mental state and with the autonomic system; one summer was generally difficult, my blood pressure jumped up greatly, it was impossible to be outside... Nowadays there are no completely healthy people at all. Some people have depression, others have VSD. Some people have it all together. From my experience, I would advise you this: firstly, do not stress yourself out even more. There are people who are disabled from birth, who live, work, and look for themselves in this world, although they have objective limitations on their actions. Imagine what would happen if, instead of everything, they sat still and reasoned: is it worth living, why was I born this way, why should I do this, maybe it’s better to stop everything... No. Such people struggle. Why don't you compete too? You can really handle it, you're just really tired. Thank God that you are not experiencing severe pain, that your arms and legs are intact, that you do not have painful hallucinations... Everything is not so bad for you, you just need to look at it objectively. You are very tired, that's understandable. Try to rest. Unload your head from bad thoughts. Don’t think about what happened, who used you and betrayed you - these are their sins, this is the past. It no longer concerns you. Live now. Think about how you can improve your mental state. I also have an anxiety disorder, which is based on fear. Think about what you fear most. And on the other hand, if you think about death... Do you have anything to be afraid of? What could be worse than death, when nothing can be changed, complete hopelessness? And you are striving for it... So what else do you have to worry about?
Relax, go to nature, find a place, an environment where you will feel comfortable, where you want not to think about the bad. Go in for sports, the kind that you can, at least exercise every day.
Good health to you. Don't think about death, life is short anyway.
Lack of joy, love, constant anxiety, lack of money and other problems at least once in life involuntarily raised the question in everyone: “Is life worth living?”
“I closed my eyes and felt myself begin to fall into a deep sleep. I felt an unusual lightness in my body, as if I was just a piece of fluff. Opening my eyes, I realized that I was floating in the clouds, the beautiful blue sky was right before my eyes. I looked down in surprise, not understanding what was happening.
There’s a crowd of people around, what’s going on?” “I asked myself these questions.” It seemed like a figment of the imagination.
Death or just a dream?
“It seemed to me as if I was floating with the flow of the wind, and it would take me where I needed to go.
A moment later I found myself inside a huge building floating in the sky. It looked like a huge castle: high ceilings, dark walls, wide long corridors, many rooms, but no windows. The walls of the castle are stone and very thick.
There are a lot of people around, but there is no crowd. It is clear that someone has been here for a long time, some people communicate in a friendly manner, but there are also those who walk alone, meaninglessly wandering from room to room.
Along the way I met children, adults, and old people. It seemed to me that they were all waiting for something, apparently their time, but I had not yet been given the opportunity to understand this.”
What is happening there on Earth?
“Wandering along the corridors, I didn’t know where I was going or why, but I just walked. My feet themselves led me into a huge hall: the same high ceiling and dark, almost black walls.
In the middle stood a huge vessel filled with a blue liquid that looked like water. Coming closer, I looked into it, saw a crying mother, father, my husband, who could not find any reason to live without me.
Unable to see all this anymore, I moved as far away as possible. I was in great pain, confusion overwhelmed me and clouded my mind, I could not find a place for myself.
Still wandering along the corridors from room to room, I wandered into a room that looked like a tropical forest, very beautiful and as if illuminated by the sun, the only bright place here. But neither the greenery, nor the light, nor the sun any longer pleased me.
“Have you been to the “examination room” yet?” - they called out to me. Turning around, I saw my grandfather. As a child, I loved him madly, but here I did not feel the feelings that I experienced on earth.
“So this is what this place is where you see your loved ones and relatives! This is an observation room, and there you can see everything that happens on earth and how your relatives live. So I don’t live anymore!?”
With these thoughts, I left the tropical hall and went back to the dark corridors of the castle. I wandered around and looked at groups of people. "I wonder what they're all doing here?" - I thought.
Some were running, some were laughing, and some were wandering mindlessly. There was a feeling that everything seemed to be the same as there, among the living.”
I understood what infinity is!
“In thought, I returned to the “examination room”, looked into the vessel and... it was as if I had been doused with water. For me, only a few minutes have passed, but 50 years have already passed on earth.
“How quickly time flies there! And it turns out I’ve been here for a long time!” - flashed inside.
I went up to the huge wall and leaned against it, my soul still did not find peace, I could not laugh and rejoice. While I lived, I could fix everything, change my life, correct mistakes, I dreamed, loved, rejoiced and cried. And now I can’t do anything, my feelings seem to have disappeared, I just exist, and I can’t change anything in my “life” ... "
Is life worth living?
“Suddenly, I opened my eyes, as if someone had pushed me in the chest. I looked at the ceiling - I was in my bed, a loved one was snoring next to me, but in my soul there was a strange feeling, as if I had returned from the other world, and this experience of the other world lay like a stone on my heart.
I had this dream when I lost the meaning of life. Perhaps I was thinking about death, and the thoughts were deprived of the usual control, which allowed me to have this experience of awareness.
Previously, it seemed to me that the whole point of living was to have material goods and the ability to buy them, that is, to have money². But I couldn’t get them, although I worked and even tried to attract them with the power of thought. But nothing worked for me, I despaired and gave up. Question: “Is life worth living?” - appeared more and more often in my mind.
This realization experience showed me that as long as I am alive, I cannot give up. While I live, I can change a lot, correct mistakes, have children, start a family, buy a house, enjoy life, love and be loved...
Death does not provide a solution to all problems, it drives you into a dead end from which there is no way out, and there is no longer an opportunity to fix or change everything.”
Notes and feature articles for deeper understanding of the material
¹ Underworld ( Otherworld, The World to Come, Kingdom of the Dead, That light, Another world) - the world into which people go after death, the abode of the dead or their souls (