Personal punishment cell: diaries of L. N.
Thoughts from the diaries of L. N. Tolstoy
1881-1910
Compiled by V. S. Anyanov ( [email protected])
Volgodonsk
2014
Preface
Tolstoy's literary heritage is truly priceless. His genius is admired all over the world. artistic creations. But in the shadow of this glory are other works of the author, which Tolstoy himself valued much higher than War and Peace and Anna Karenina. These are articles, collections of sayings, letters and diaries written after the spiritual turning point experienced by the writer in the second half of the 70s of the 19th century. Half-jokingly, Tolstoy said that he artistic writings-- is an advertising sign to attract the public to its real important works. From creativity late period perhaps the least known to a wide circle readers are left with the writer's diaries. Tolstoy's diaries amaze with their depth, originality of thinking and variety of topics covered. It's hard to find any important aspect public or personal life, which would not worry the writer and would not be reflected on the pages of his diaries. However, most of all Tolstoy was interested in religious and moral issues, because it was in religion and the consequences arising from it moral behavior, he saw the good human life. We may agree or disagree with the beliefs that Tolstoy the thinker came to, but one thing is certain: Tolstoy’s diary is completely sincere. Shortly before his death, Tolstoy wrote about his diaries: recent years: “Diaries... may have some meaning, at least in those fragmentary thoughts that are set out there. And therefore their publication, if we remove everything random, unclear and unnecessary from them, can be useful to people.” Fulfilling the will of Tolstoy, releasing “everything random, unclear and unnecessary,” this book invites the reader to familiarize himself with the religious and philosophical reflections of the great thinker from his diaries of 1881-1910. 1881-1883 May 5, 1881 Family is flesh. Leaving your family is the second temptation - to kill yourself. Family is one body. But do not give in to the 3rd temptation - serve not your family, but one God. The family is an indicator of the place on the economic ladder that a person should occupy. She is flesh. Just as a weak stomach needs light food, so a weak, spoiled family needs more than one accustomed to deprivation. May 6, 1881 It’s not for nothing that the proverb goes: money is hell. The Savior walked with his disciples. “Walk along the road, crosses will come, don’t go to the left - there’s hell.” Let's see what hell it is. Went. There's a lot of gold lying around. “He said hell, but we found a treasure.” You can't carry it on yourself. Let's go get some water. They separated and thought: we need to divide. He sharpened one knife, the other baked a donut with poison. They got together, one stabbed him with a knife, killed him, his donut jumped out - he ate it. Both are missing. May 15, 1881 State. “Yes, I don’t care what toys you play with, as long as there is no harm because of the game.” May 18, 1881 Seryozha says: the teaching of Christ is all known, but it is difficult. I say: you can’t say “difficult” to escape from a burning room through a single door. May 21, 1881 Dispute: “good is conditional,” that is, there is no good - only instincts. May 22, 1881 Continuation of the conversation about the conditionality of good. The good that I am talking about is that which one considers good for oneself and for everyone. May 29, 1881 -- Christian teaching is unfulfillable. - So it's nonsense? - No, but it’s impossible. - Have you tried to perform it? - No, but it’s impossible. June 28, 1881 Conversation about God. They think what to say: I don’t know this, this cannot be proven, I don’t need this, that this is a sign of intelligence and education. Whereas this is a sign of ignorance. “I don’t know any planets, nor the axis on which the earth rotates, nor any incomprehensible eclictics, and I don’t want to take it for granted, but I see the sun walking, and the stars somehow walking.” But it is very difficult to prove the rotation of the earth and its path, and mutation, and the anticipation of the equinoxes, and there is still a lot that is unclear and, most importantly, difficult to imagine, but the advantage is that everything is reduced to unity. Also in the moral and spiritual sphere - to reduce to unity the questions: what to do, what to know, what to hope for? All of humanity is struggling to reduce them to unity. And suddenly to separate everything reduced to unity seems to people a merit that they boast about. Who is guilty? We diligently teach them the rituals and law of God, knowing in advance that this will not withstand maturity, and a lot of knowledge that is not connected with anything. And everyone remains without unity, with scattered knowledge and thinks that this is an acquisition. July 1, 1881 Conversation about the need to forgive offenders. Reads the Gospel: and who wants to take your shirt... Laughs. Well, is this really meant for fun? - Well, that’s what you have to do... July 3, 1881 I can’t cope with my illness. Weakness, laziness and sadness. What is needed is activity, a goal—enlightenment, correction, and unification. I can direct enlightenment to others. Correction - on yourself. Connecting with the enlightened and the reformed. July 10, 1881 Turgenev fears the name of God, but recognizes it. Naively calm, in the luxury and idleness of life. October 5, 1881 1) A month has passed - the most painful one in my life. Moving to Moscow. Everything is getting settled. When will they begin to live? Everything is not for the sake of living, but for the fact that this is how people are. Unhappy ones! And there is no life. Stench, stones, luxury, poverty, debauchery. The villains who robbed the people gathered, recruited soldiers and judges to guard their orgy, and feasted. The people have nothing else to do but, taking advantage of the passions of these people, lure them back of the loot. Guys are better at this. Women are at home, men are scrubbing floors and bodies in bathhouses, and they are being driven around by cabs. 2) Poor Soloviev, without understanding Christianity, condemned it and wants to invent something better. Chatting, endless chatter. December 22, 1882 If you love God, good (I think I’m beginning to love him), you love, that is, you live by him - happiness is in him, you see life in him, then you also see that the body interferes with true good - not the good itself, but the fruits of it in order to see it. If you start looking at the fruits of goodness, you will stop doing it; moreover, by looking, you spoil it, become vain, become despondent. Only then will what you have done be truly good when you are not there to spoil it. But prepare more of it. This, this, knowing that it is not you, man, who will reap. One sows, the other reaps. You, man, Lev Nikolaevich, will not burn it. If you start not only reaping, but also weeding, you will ruin the wheat. This, this. And if you sow God’s, there can be no doubt that it will grow. What previously seemed cruel, what was not given to me to see the fruits, is now clear that not only is it not cruel, but good and reasonable. How could I recognize the true good - God's - from the untrue, if I, a carnal man, could enjoy its fruits? Now it’s clear; what you do without seeing the reward, and do it out of love, is probably God’s. This and this, and God will increase, and it is not you, man, who will reap, but what is sown in you. January 1, 1883 1) When I just wake up, thoughts often come to me, clarifications of what was previously confused, so I rejoice - I feel that I have progressed. So the other day - property. I still couldn’t figure out what she was. Property, as it is now, is evil. And property in itself is the joy that what I have done is good. And it became clear to me. There was no spoon, there was a log, I invented it, worked hard and carved the spoon. What doubt is there that she is mine? Like this bird's nest is its nest. She wants to use it however she wants. But property fenced by violence - by a policeman with a pistol - is evil. Make a spoon and eat with it, but no one else needs it yet. It is clear. The difficult question is that I made a crutch for my lame man, and the drunkard takes the crutch to break down doors with it. Asking a drunkard to leave his crutch. One. The more people who ask, the more likely the crutch will remain with the one who needs it most. 2) Today Gudovich died. She died completely, and I and we all died for a year, for a day, for an hour. We live, therefore we die. Living well means dying well. New Year! I wish myself and everyone a good death. 1884 No date 1) Chinese proverbs: And from the river a mouse will not drink more than it can fit into its belly (wealth). What cannot be said is better not done. God won't help you if you miss it. When you want to drink, there is no time to dig a well. Sweet speeches are poison, bitter ones are medicine. The egg is still strong, but once it’s hatched, the chicken will hatch. Whoever strives for the best will achieve good, and whoever strives only for the good will never achieve it. Stop your hands, stop your mouth. A tar barrel is only for tar. Kindness will bind you stronger than debt. Living on other people's money is a short time, working for others is a long time. Open the book, you'll find out something. Real man always like a child. The judge is not the one who plays, but the one who watches. Happiness is joy for a wise man, and sorrow for a fool. Reproach yourself for what you reproach others, and forgive others for what you forgive yourself for. 2) From Laozi: When a person is born, he is flexible and weak; when he is strong and strong, he dies. When trees are born, they are flexible and tender. When they are dry and tough, they die. Strength and strength are the companions of death. Flexibility and weakness are life partners. Therefore, what is strong does not win. When the tree has become strong, it is cut down. What is strong and great is insignificant; that which is flexible and weak is important. 3) I just re-read the middle one and new story according to a short tutorial. Is there a more terrible read in the world? Is there a book that could be more harmful for young men to read? And they teach her. I read it and for a long time could not wake up from melancholy. Murder, torture, deception, robbery, adultery and nothing more. They say that a person needs to know where he came from. Did each of us get out of there? Where I and each of us came from with our worldview is not in this story. And there is nothing to teach me about this. Just as I carry within me all the physical traits of all my ancestors, so I carry within me all the work of thought (the real history) of all my ancestors. I and each of us always know her. She is all in me, through the gas, the telegraph, the newspaper, matches, conversation, the view of the city and the countryside. Bring this knowledge into consciousness? - yes, but this requires a history of thought - completely independent of that history. That story is a rough reflection of the present one. Reformation is a rough, random reflection of the work of thought that liberates humanity from darkness. Luther with all the wars and the Nights of St. Bartholomew has no place between Erasmus, BoItie, Rousseau, etc. 4) From the Vedas: Be they horses, cows, people, elephants, everything that lives, walks, swims and flies, everything, that does not even move, like trees and grass, all these are the eyes of the mind. Everything is formed by the mind. The world is the eye of the mind, and the mind is its basis. The mind is a single entity. A person, surrendering to reason and serving it, descends from this world of phenomena into a blissful and free world and becomes immortal. 5) Confucius does not mention Shang-ti - a personal God, but always only about heaven. But here is his attitude to the spiritual world. They ask him: how to serve the spirits of the dead? He said: when you do not know how to serve the living, how will you serve the dead? They asked about death: when you don’t know life, why do you ask about death? They asked: do the dead know about our service to them? He said: if I said that they knew, I am afraid that the living would ruin their lives serving them. If I said they didn’t know, I’m afraid they would completely forget about them. You have no reason to want to know what the dead know. There is no need for this. You will find out everything in due time. What is wisdom? “To sincerely devote oneself to the service of people and to stay away from what is called the spiritual world is wisdom.” “To govern means to correct. If you lead the people correctly, who would dare to live incorrectly?” There were a lot of thieves. They asked: how to get rid of them? “If you weren’t greedy yourself, you would pay them money and they wouldn’t steal.” They asked, is it good for the good to kill the bad? “Why kill? Let your desires be good, and everyone will be good. The highest is still like the wind, and the lowest is like grass. The wind blows, the grass bends.” The whole question is what and who is considered superior. Consider the highest, elevate, respect the good. Considering inferior, disdaining, despising evil - no deals. March 9, 1884 Gurevich the emigrant (Jew) arrived. Wants to find a common connection between Jews and Russians. It was found a long time ago. Sometimes I'm sad that the wood doesn't burn. As if they had caught fire in front of me, it would not have been a clear sign that it was not wood that was burning, but arson, and they did not start it. March 10, 1884 1) Andryusha spilled ink. I began to reproach. And sure enough, I had an angry face. Misha left immediately. I started calling him; but he did not go and immediately began drawing pictures. Afterwards I sent him to Tanya’s room to ask about Masha. Tanya shouted at him angrily. He left immediately. I sent it again. He said: no, I don’t want to, I want to be with you. Where they are angry, it is not good. He leaves there, but he himself is not angry, not upset. And his joys and activities in life are not disrupted by this. This is what you need to be. As Laozi says - like water. There are no obstacles, it flows; the dam, it will stop. If a dam breaks, it will flow; a quadrangular vessel will be quadrangular; round - she is round. That is why it is most important and strongest. 2) What a stupid phenomenon Luther’s reformation is. This is the triumph of narrow-mindedness and stupidity. Rescue from original sin Faith and the vanity of good deeds are worth all the superstitions of Catholicism. The doctrine (terrible in its absurdity) about the relations of church and state could only flow from stupidity. This is how it came out of Lutheranism. March 11, 1884 The teachings of the middle of Confucius are amazing. Everything is the same as the Laotians - the fulfillment of the law of nature - this is wisdom, this is strength, this is life. And the fulfillment of this law has no sound or smell. It is then - it is when it is simple, imperceptible, without effort, and then it is powerful. Its sign is sincerity - unity, not duality. He says: Heaven always acts sincerely. I don’t know what will come of this activity of mine, but it has done me a lot of good. March 12, 1884 Uncertainty of desires, and therefore insincerity, and therefore powerlessness. How amazingly clear and powerful is Laotsi’s expression that heaven produces everything, and powerful because it is always sincere. March 14, 1884 Read Otechestvennye Zapiski. “Psychic phenomena must enter the cycle of life.” Of course, but this is not how they will become known to us; they can only be regulated by the fact that we understand their connection with the cycle of life. They are the known, the most famous, the known that we need to recognize as known in order to solve issues of the cycle of life. The whole cycle is true. But there is the beginning of movement and the beginning of inertia. Looking at the world, I must recognize force and matter. Trying to define both, I come to a metaphysical representation of the beginning of both - an incomprehensible initial force and an incomprehensible substance. I came to this nonsense only because I did not recognize the known self, which is the initial incomprehensible force and incomprehensible substance. Matter and force come into contact with the incomprehensible, but not somewhere out there, in infinite space and time, but in time, but in myself. I am a self-conscious force and a self-conscious substance, and therefore I only see the cycle of force and matter. March 15, 1884 I attribute my good moral state to reading Confucius and, most importantly, Laozi. You need to compile a reading circle for yourself: Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius, Laozi, Buddha, Pascal, the Gospel. This would be necessary for everyone. This is not prayer, but communion. March 16, 1884 I read Gurevich’s article. Badly written. The emigrant's tone is cheeky and unclear. The change in the worldview of the Jew is interesting. Yes, it is not profitable to exchange a synagogue with the Talmud for a gymnasium with grammar. The only apparent benefit is that at the gymnasium and university they don’t believe in anything - you become free from everything, but this is not pleasant for long. It's like taking off a dress in winter. At first it will seem easier. March 18, 1884 The letter was brought by a Jew. I read the letter. Strange. This is the 3rd Jew addressing me. One thing they all have in common. They feel that their faith, no matter how mutilated, is faith, and is better than the disbelief of progress. This one seems more serious than all of them. But everyone has some kind of rushed excitement. They flare up, not burn. March 19, 1884 1) The cab driver is drunk, foul-mouthed, and hefty. Now about the obscenity... What to do with these? Their name is legion. This is Horace at best. Confucius is right, but not the violence of power, but the violence of persuasion - art - churches, rituals of life, fun, certain morals, which would be easy for them to obey. But be sure to obey. They can't do it themselves. All of them are women. 2) Gurevich came. He is a writer without his own thoughts. The best test of a person: he will leave and there will be nothing to remember. March 22, 1884 I am sad that my business is not growing. It’s the same as being sad that what was sown does not sprout immediately, that the grains are not visible. It is true that there is no watering. There would be watering - firm, clear deeds, in the name of teaching. They don’t exist because God doesn’t want them yet. March 23, 1884 Sat down to translate Urusogov. Uneven. Often very bad. I don't know whatYou can’t deprive millions of people of what they may need for their souls. I repeat: “maybe.” But even if there is only the slightest probability that what I have written is needed by the souls of people, then one cannot deprive them of this spiritual food so that Andrei can drink and debauch and Leo smear and... Well, God be with them. Do your own thing and don’t judge... Morning.
Day like old days: unwell, but less unkind in my soul. I’m waiting for what will happen, and that’s what’s bad.
Sofya Andreevna is completely calm.
July 30. Chertkov drew me into the struggle, and this struggle is very difficult and disgusting to me. I will try loving(it’s scary to say, I’m so far from this) to lead her.
In my current situation, perhaps the most important thing I need is not doing, not saying. Today I vividly realized that I just need not to spoil my situation and vividly remember that I nothing, nothing no need.
July 31st. The evening passed idly. The Ladyzhenskys came, I chatted too much. Sofya Andreevna did not sleep again, but she was not angry. I'm waiting.
August 1. I slept well, but still boring, sad, lifeless, with a heavy consciousness of unlove around me and, alas, in myself. Help me, Lord! Sasha coughs again. Sofya Andreevna told Posha the same thing. All this lives on: jealousy of Chertkov and fear for property. Very hard. I can’t stand Lev Lvovich. And he wants to settle here. Here's a test! Letters in the morning. I wrote it badly, I corrected one proof. I go to bed in a difficult mental state. I'm bad.
August 2. E. b. and. I really, really realized my mistake. It was necessary to gather all the heirs and declare their intention, and not secretly. I wrote this to Chertkov. He was very upset. I went to Kolpna. Sofya Andreevna came out to check, keep watch, and was rummaging through my papers. Now she was interrogating who was delivering the letters from Chertkov: “You are conducting a secret love correspondence.” I said I didn’t want to talk and left, but gently. Unhappy, how can I not feel sorry for her. I wrote a letter to Galya.
August 3rd. You go to bed with sadness in your heart and wake up with the same sadness. I can't overcome everything. Walked in the rain. I studied at home. I traveled with Goldenweiser. For some reason it’s hard for me with him. Letter from Chertkov. He is very upset. I say yes and decided to wait and do nothing. The very good thing is that I feel trashy. In the evening, a crazy note from Sofia Andreevna and
requirement that I read. I looked in and gave it away. She came and started talking. I locked myself in, then ran away and sent Dushan. How will it end? Just don't sin yourself. I'm going to bed. E. b. and.
August 4th. Nothing was hard today, but it’s hard for me. I finished proofreading, but didn’t write anything. I got excited with the high school students and in vain, I accepted and gave the book to the student and his wife. There's a lot of fuss. I went with Dushan to the Ladyzhenskys. Posha leaves, and Korolenko arrives.
5th of August. I thought a little brighter. My abstinence from communicating with Chertkov is shameful, shameful, comical and sad. Yesterday morning I was very sorry, without anger. I am always so happy about this - it is so easy for me to feel sorry for her and love her when she suffers and does not make others suffer.
August 6. Today, while lying in bed, a thought came to me that seemed very important to me. I thought I'd write it down later. And I forgot, I forgot and I can’t remember. Now I met Sofya Andreevna right there where I wrote this down. She walks quickly, terribly excited. I felt very sorry for her. He told her at home to look after her secretly, where she went. Sasha told me that she doesn’t walk without a purpose, but to watch for me. It became less pitiful. There is unkindness here, and I still cannot be indifferent - in the sense of loving what is unkind. I’m thinking of leaving, leaving a letter, and I’m afraid, although I think it would be better for her. Now I’ve read the letters, picked up “Madness” and put it aside. There is no desire to write, no strength. It's now 1 o'clock. It’s hard to hide forever and be afraid for her.
August 7. Conversation with Korolenko. Clever and good man, but all under the superstition of science. The work ahead is very clear, and it would be a pity not to write it, but it seems like there is no strength. Everything is mixed up, there is no consistency and persistence in one direction. Sofya Andreevna is calmer, but the same unkindness towards everyone and irritation. I read “paranoia” by Korsakov. How it was copied from her. Sasha had the book, and the passages were probably underlined by her. Korolenko says to me: “What a good person Alexandra Lvovna is.” But I have tears in my throat from emotion, and I can’t speak. When I recovered, I said: I have no right to speak, she loves me too much.
Korolenko. Well, I have the right. It’s still hard with Leo, but thank God there is no bad feeling.
8 August. Got up early. Many, many thoughts, but all scattered. Well, it is not necessary. I pray, I pray: help me. And I can’t, I can’t help but wish, not wait with joy for death.
The separation from Chertkov is more and more shameful. I'm clearly to blame.
I'm like a good sheep. How it barks at us.
Again the same thing with Sofia Andreevna. He wants Chertkov to go. Again I didn’t sleep until 7 am.
“We went with wine policy.”
I lost my memory, completely, and, amazingly, not only did I not lose anything, but I gained an awful lot - in clarity and strength consciousness. I even think that one is always to the detriment of the other.
August 9. I take life more and more seriously. Excitement again. Conversations with Fere, with Sasha. Sasha is cutting. Leva is a big and difficult test.
10th of August. Still hard and unwell. It's good to feel guilty, and I do. [...]
For the first time yesterday, when I wrote a letter to Galya, I felt guilty about everything and a natural desire to ask for forgiveness, and now, thinking about it, I felt “perfect joy.” How simple, how easy, how it frees you from human glory, how it makes relationships with people easier. Oh, if only it weren’t self-deception and it would hold.
11th August. My health is getting worse and worse. Sofya Andreevna is calm, but also alien. Letters. Two answered. It's hard with everyone. I can't help but wish for death. A long letter from Chertkov, describing everything that preceded it. It was very sad, hard to read and remember. He is absolutely right, and I feel guilty towards him. Posha was wrong. I'll write to both. I am writing all this.
12th of August. Yesterday I decided to tell Tanya everything. This morning I have a heavy feeling, unkind towards her, towards Sofya Andreevna. And I need to forgive and regret, but I can’t yet.
Told Tanya. She is happy and agrees. Chertkov is very pleased with my letter, according to Sasha. Didn't go out all day. In the evening Ge spoke well about Switzerland. Sofya Andreevna is very excited and always in this position - obviously sick - I feel very sorry for her. I'm going to bed.
August 13. Everything is the same and just as difficult and dangerous with her. From Chertkov good letter- so that I don’t go to say goodbye if this might interfere with my departure. Tanechka is pleasant, sweet.
August 14. Worse and worse. Didn't sleep at night. I jumped out in the morning. "Who are you talking with". Then she told me something terrible. [...] It's scary to say. [ 3 words deleted.]
It’s terrible, but, thank God, it’s pathetic, I can regret it. Will
tolerate. God help. I exhausted everyone, and most of all myself. He's coming with us. It’s as if I’m kicking Varya out. Sasha is upset. I'm going to bed.
August 15. On the way to Kochety I thought about how, if these anxieties and demands start again, I will leave with Sasha. That's what he said. That's what I thought dear. Now I don't think so. We arrived calmly, but in the evening I took a notebook from Sasha, she saw: “What is it?” - Diary. Sasha is cheating.
August 16. I didn't sleep again this morning. She brought me a note that Sasha was copying my accusations against her from Chertkov’s diary. Before dinner, I tried to calm him down by telling the truth that Sasha was only writing down individual thoughts, and not my impressions of life. She wants to calm down and is very sorry. Now it's 4 o'clock, something will happen. I can not work. It seems that there is no need. Not bad at heart.
August 17. Today is a good day. Sonya is very good. It’s good because it makes me sad. And longing is expressed through prayer and consciousness.
August 18. Sofya Andreevna, having learned about Chertkov’s permission to live in Velyatinki, fell into a painful state. "I will kill him". I asked not to speak and remained silent. And it seemed to work well. Something will happen. Help me, God, to be with you and do what you want. What happens is none of my business. Often, no, not often, but sometimes I feel like this state of mind, and then how good!
August 19. In the morning, Sofya Andreevna asked to promise the same promises and not take portraits. I agreed in vain. The letter from Chertkov is good. He writes correctly about those techniques that the best way act on patients. During lunch, I inappropriately spoke about Arago tout court. And I felt ashamed. And it's a shame that it's a shame.
August 20. He spoke well to the watchman. It’s not good that I told about my situation. I rode on horseback, and the sight of this kingdom of masters torments me so much that I’m thinking about running away, hiding.
Today I thought, remembering my marriage, that it was something fatal. I've never even been in love. But he couldn’t help but get married.
August 21. Got up late. I feel fresher. Sofya Andreevna is still the same. Tanya told how she didn’t sleep at night because she saw Chertkov’s portrait. The situation is threatening. I want, I want to say, that is, write.
August 22. A letter from Rossolimo, wonderfully stupid about the situation of Sofia Andreevna, and a letter from B. is very good.
I'm behaving pretty well.
August 23 and 24. I'm coming to life little by little. Sofya Andreevna, poor thing, suffers incessantly, and I feel it is impossible to help her. I feel the sin of my exclusive attachment to my daughters.
25. Varvara Mikhailovna writes about Zvegintseva’s gossip. This annoys Sasha. Thank God, I don’t care, but it worsens my feeling for her. No need. Oh, if only I could be gentle but firm.
August, 26th. Sofya Andreevna spoke heatedly to Tanya at night. She is completely hopeless with her inconsistency of thought. I am glad that I remained silent in response to her calls and complaints. Thank God, I don’t have the slightest bad feeling.
August 27. Terribly pitiful and difficult. Just this evening I started talking about portraits, obviously from my own painful point of view. I tried to get away. And left.
August 28. It’s getting harder and harder with Sofia Andreevna. Not love, but a demand for love, close to hatred and turning into hatred.
Yes, selfishness is madness. Her children saved her - animal love, but still selfless. And when this was over, all that was left was terrible selfishness. And selfishness is the most abnormal state - madness.
Just now I spoke with Sasha and Mikhail Sergeevich, both Dushan and Sasha do not admit the disease. And they are wrong.
29 and 30. Yesterday was a terrible morning for no reason. She went into the garden and lay there. Then she became quiet. They spoke well. When leaving, she touchingly asked for forgiveness. Today I'm 30 and I'm not feeling well. Mavor. Sasha telegraphed that it was good. Will something happen?
31 [August], 1 [September.] I wrote a letter from my heart to Sonya.
Today- September 2, I received a very bad letter from her. The same suspicions, the same malice, the same comical, if it weren’t so terrible and painful for me, demand for love.
Today in Schopenhauer’s “Reading Circle”: “Just as an attempt to force love causes hatred, so...”
September 3 and 4. Sasha has arrived. Brought bad news. All the same. Sofya Andreevna writes that she will come. He burns portraits and holds a prayer service in the house. When I'm alone, I get ready
to be firm with her and as if I could, but with her I weaken. I will try to remember that she is sick.
Today on the 4th I was sad, I wanted to die and still want to.
5, 6, 7, 8. Sofya Andreevna has arrived. She is very talkative, but at first there was nothing serious, but since yesterday, hints began, searching for pretexts for condemnation. Very hard. This morning I came running to tell something nasty about Zosya. I hold on and will hold on as long as I can, and feel sorry for her, and love her. God help.
8, 9, 10. Yesterday, the 9th, I was hysterical all day, didn’t eat anything, and cried. I was very sorry. But no beliefs or reasoning are acceptable. I said something and, thank God, without bad feelings, and she accepted, as usual, without understanding. I myself was bad yesterday - gloomy, despondent. She received Chertkov's letter and answered him. A letter from Goldenweiser with an extract from V.M., which horrified me.
Today on the 10th everything is the same. Doesn't eat anything. I entered. Now there are reproaches about Sasha and that she needs to go to Crimea. In the morning I thought that I couldn’t stand it and would have to leave her. There is no life with her. One flour. As I told her: my grief is that I cannot be indifferent.
[11 September.] By evening, scenes of running into the garden, tears, and screams began. Even to the point that when I followed her into the garden, she screamed: this is an animal, a killer, I can’t see him, and she ran off to hire a cart and leave now. And so the whole evening. When I lost my temper and told her son fait, she suddenly became healthy, and so it is today on the 11th. It is impossible to talk to her because, firstly, she is not required to have any logic, truth, or truthful transmission of the words that are spoken to her or that she speaks. I'm getting very close to running away. My health has become poor.
[September 16-17.] But the letters from Yasnaya are terrible. The hard thing is that among her crazy thoughts there is also the thought of making me look like a weakened mind and therefore invalidating my will, if there is one. In addition, all the same stories about me and confessions of hatred towards me. I received a letter from Chertkov confirming everyone’s advice about firmness and my decision. I don't know if I can stand it. .
It's the night of the 17th.
I want to return to Yasnaya on the 22nd.
* all the truth (French).
22 am. I’m driving to Yasnaya, and I’m terrified at the thought of what awaits me. Only fais ce que doit...* And the main thing is to remain silent and remember that the soul in her is God.
II
September 24.[Yasnaya Polyana. ] I lost my little diary. I am writing here. The start of the day was calm. But at breakfast a conversation began about “Children’s Wisdom,” which Chertkov, a collector, had collected. Where will he put the manuscripts after my death? I asked a little heatedly to leave me alone. It seemed like nothing. But after lunch the reproaches began that I shouted at her, that I should feel sorry for her. I was silent. She went to her place, and now it’s the 11th hour, she doesn’t come out, and it’s hard for me. A letter from Chertkov with reproaches and accusations. They're tearing me apart. Sometimes I think: get away from everyone. It turns out she was sleeping and came out calm. I went to bed after 12.
September 25. I woke up early and wrote a letter to Chertkov. I hope he accepts it as I ask. I'm getting dressed now. Yes, my whole business is with God, and I have to be alone. Again, please stand in pose for the photo. loving spouses. I agreed, and I feel ashamed all the time. Sasha was terribly angry. It hurted me. In the evening I called her and said: I don’t need your shorthand, but your love. And we both had a good cry, kissing.
September 26. Again the scenes are due to the fact that I hung the portraits as they were. I began to say that it was impossible to live like this. And she understood. Dusan said that she shot from a child's pistol to scare me. I wasn't scared and didn't go to her. And indeed, better. But it's very, very difficult. God help me.
September 27. How comical is the opposition in which I live, in which, without false modesty: I nurture and express the most important, significant thoughts, and next to this: the struggle and participation in women’s whims, and to which I devote most of my time.
In the matter of moral improvement, I feel like just a boy, a student, and a bad student, not very diligent.
Yesterday there was a terrible scene with Sasha returning. She screamed at Marya Alexandrovna. Sasha left today
* do what you have to... (French)
in Velyatinki. And she is calm, as if nothing had happened. She showed me a scarecrow pistol - and shot, and lied. Today she followed me on a walk, probably tracking me down. It's a shame, but it's difficult. God help me.
September 28. Very hard. These expressions of love, this talkativeness and constant interference. It’s possible, I know that you can still love. But I can’t, I’m bad.
September 29. Sasha still wants to live outside the house. I'm afraid for her. Sofya Andreevna is better. Sometimes I feel false shame for my weakness, and sometimes, like today, I rejoice at this weakness.
Today, for the first time, I saw the opportunity to conquer her with kindness - with love. Oh, if only...
September 30th. Today everything is the same. He talks a lot for the sake of talking and doesn't listen. There were difficult moments today, due to my weakness: I saw the unpleasant, the difficult, where it does not and cannot exist for true life.
October 1st. It’s terribly difficult to have an unkind feeling towards her, which I cannot overcome when this talking begins, talking endlessly and without meaning or purpose. Devil's article about the soul and God, I'm afraid it's too clever for the mind. It is joyful that all truly original religious people have the same thing. Antoin's le Guérisseur too.
2 October. In the morning, the first word about my health, then condemnation, and endless conversations, and interference in the conversation. And I'm bad. I can’t overcome the feelings of badness and unkindness. Today I vividly felt the need artistic work and I see the impossibility of giving myself away from her, from the persistent feeling about her, from the inner struggle. Of course, this struggle and the possibility of victory in this struggle are more important than all possible works of art.
III
October 5, 10. I gave away the sheets of paper and now I’m starting a new one. And as if I needed to start something new: on the 3rd, after a nap before lunch, I fell into unconsciousness. They undressed me, put me to bed, [...] I said something and don’t remember anything. I woke up and came to my senses at about 11. Headache and weakness. Yesterday I lay in the heat all day, with a headache, didn’t eat anything and felt the same weakness. So is the night. Now it’s 7 o’clock in the morning, my head and liver and legs still hurt, and I’m weak, but better. The main thing about my illness is that it reconciled Sasha with Sofia Andreevna. Sasha was especially good.
Varya has arrived. We'll see. I am struggling with my unkind feelings towards her, I cannot forget these three months of torment of all the people close to me and me. But I will overcome. I didn’t sleep that night, and I can’t say that I thought, but thoughts wandered around in my head.
[October 7th.] Yesterday October 6th. He was weak and gloomy. Everything was hard and unpleasant. A letter from Chertkov. He thinks this is in vain. She tries and asked him to come. Today Tanya went to see the Chertkovs. Galya is very irritated. Chertkov decided to arrive at 8, now at 10 minutes. Sofya Andreevna asked me not to kiss him. How disgusting. There was a hysterical attack.
Today 8th. I told her everything I thought was necessary. She objected and I got annoyed. And it was bad. But maybe there will still be something left. It’s true that the whole point is to avoid doing wrong yourself, but that’s not always the case, but for the most part I'm truly sorry. I go to bed having had a better day.
October 9. She is calm, but starts talking about herself. I read hysteria. Everyone is to blame except her. I didn’t go to the Chertkovs and I won’t go. Peace of mind is more valuable than anything. It's stern and serious at heart.
October 11. In the morning there was talk about how I secretly saw Chertkov yesterday. I didn't sleep all night. But thank you, he is struggling with himself. I behaved well and remained silent. She translates everything that happens into confirmation of her mania - nothing...
October 12. Again in the morning conversation and scene. Something, someone told her about some kind of bequest of my diaries to Chertkov. I was silent. The day was empty, I couldn’t work well. In the evening the same conversation again. Hints, probing.
October 13. It turns out that she found and took away my small diary. She knows about some will, to someone, about something - obviously concerning my writings. What a torment because of their monetary value - and he is afraid that I will interfere with its publication. And she’s afraid of everything, poor thing.
October 14. A letter of reproaches for some kind of paper about rights, as if everything is important in the money issue - and this is better - it’s clearer, but when she exaggeratedly talks about her love for me, kneels down and kisses my hands, it’s very hard for me. I still can’t decisively announce that I will go to the Chertkovs.
I wanted to go to Tanya, but I hesitate. Hysterical attack, angry.
The whole point is that she suggested that I go to the Chertkovs, asked about it, and now, when I said that I would go, she began to rage. Very, very difficult. God help. I said that I would not make and do not make any promises, but I would do everything I could so as not to upset her. I will hardly carry out my departure tomorrow. But it is necessary. Yes, this is a test, and my job is not to do anything unkind. God help.
17 October. Weak Sofya Andreevna is better, as if she is repenting, but there is also a hysterical exaggeration in this. Kisses hands. She's very excited and doesn't stop talking. I feel morally good. I remember who I am. Read Sri Shankara. The basic metaphysical idea about the essence of life is good, but the whole teaching is a confusion, worse than mine.
October 18. The same heavy attitude of fear and alienation. There was nothing today. I started talking about faith in the evening. He just doesn’t understand what faith is.
October 19. Very difficult conversation at night. I took it badly. Sasha talked about selling for a million. Let's see what. Maybe for the better. Just to act before the highest judge and earn his approval.
The 20th of October. There is nothing bad to write down. Badly. I’ll write down one thing: how happy I am and how dear and sweet Sasha is to me.
October 21. I bear my trial very hard. The words of Novikov: “I used a whip, I became much better” and Ivan: “In our everyday life we use reins,” everyone remembers, and he is dissatisfied with himself. At night I thought about leaving. Sasha talked to her a lot, and I can hardly contain my unkind feeling.
22 of October. There is nothing hostile on her part, but this pretense on both sides is hard for me. From Chertkov a letter to me, a letter to Dosev and a statement. Everything is very good, but the violation of the diary’s secret is unpleasant. Dunaev spoke well. It’s terrible that he told him and Maria Nikolaevna from her words.
October 23. The mutual pretense is still hard, I try to be simple, but it doesn’t work. The thought of Novikov does not leave me. When I rode on horseback, Sofya Andreevna went to keep an eye on me to see if I had gone to Chertkov. I’m ashamed to admit my stupidity even in my diary. Since yesterday I started doing gymnastics - to look younger,
he’s a fool, he wants to - and he knocked the cabinet over himself and suffered in vain. What an 82-year-old fool.
24October. Sasha was crying that she had quarreled with Tanya. And me too. It’s very difficult, the same tension and unnaturalness.
the 25th of October. Still the same heavy feeling. Suspicion, peeping and sinful desire so that she would give a reason to leave. So I'm bad. And I’m thinking about leaving and about her situation, and it’s a pity, and I also can’t. She asked me for a letter to Gala Chertkova.
October 26. I am becoming more and more burdened by this life. Marya Alexandrovna doesn’t order me to leave, and my conscience won’t let me either. Tolerate it, endure it, without changing the position of the external, but working on the internal. Help me, Lord.
[27th October.] October 25th. I saw my hard struggle with her all night. I wake up, fall asleep, and the same thing again. Sasha told about what was being said to Varvara Mikhailovna. I feel sorry for her and unbearably disgusting.
October 26th. There was nothing special. The feeling of shame and the need to take action only grew.
[28 of October. Optina Pustyn.] From 27-28 there was that push that forced me to take action. And here I am in Optina on the evening of 28. I sent Sasha both a letter and a telegram.
[29th of October.] Sergeenko arrived. Everything is the same, even worse. Just not to sin. And have no evil. Now it's gone.
Tolstoy L.N. Diaries. “Diary for oneself” // L.N. Tolstoy. Collected works in 22 volumes. M.: Fiction, 1985. T. 22. pp. 413-424.
Tolstoy Lev Nikolaevich
Diaries
Lev Nikolaevich Tolstoy
Diaries
Diary - 1847
Diary - 1850
Diary - 1851
Diary - 1852
Diary - 1853
Diary - 1854
Diary - 1855
Diary - 1856
Diary - 1857
Diary - 1857 (Travel notes in Switzerland)
Diary - 1858
Diary - 1859
Diary - 1860
Diary - 1861
Diary - 1862
Diary - 1863
Diary - 1864
Diary - 1865
Diary - 1870
Diary - 1871
Diary - 1873
Diary - 1878
Diary - 1879
Diary - 1881
Diary - 1882
Diary - 1883
Diary - 1884
Diary - 1885
Diary - 1886
Diary - 1887
Diary - 1888
Diary - 1889
Diary - 1890
Diary - 1891
Diary - 1892
Diary - 1893
Diary - 1894
Diary - 1895
Diary - 1896
Diary - 1897
Diary - 1898
Diary - Dialogue
Diary - 1899
Diary - 1900
Diary - 1901
Diary - 1902
Diary - 1903
Diary - 1904
Diary - 1905
Diary - 1906
Diary - 1907
Diary - 1908
"Secret" diary of 1908
Diary - 1909
Diary - 1910
"Diary for oneself"
Diary - 1847
March 17.[Kazan.] It’s been six days since I entered the clinic, and it’s been six days since I’m almost satisfied with myself. [...] Here I am completely alone, no one bothers me, here I have no service, no one helps me, therefore, nothing extraneous has an influence on my mind and memory, and my activity must necessarily develop. The main benefit is that I clearly saw that a disordered life, which most secular people take as a consequence of youth, is nothing more than a consequence of early depravity of the soul.
Solitude is as useful for a person living in society as society is for a person not living in it. Separate a person from society, if he ascends into himself, and how soon the glasses that showed him everything in a wrong way will be thrown off his mind, and how his view of things will become clearer, so that it will not even be clear to him how he did not see all this before . Leave your reason to act, it will show you your purpose, it will give you rules with which you can boldly go into society. Everything that is consistent with the primary ability of man - reason, will be equally consistent with everything that exists; intelligence individual person there is a part of everything that exists, and a part cannot upset the order of the whole. The whole can kill the part. To do this, form your mind so that it is consistent with the whole, with the source of everything, and not with a part, with the society of people; then your mind will merge into one with this whole, and then society, as a part, will have no influence on you.
It is easier to write ten volumes of philosophy than to apply any one principle to practice.
18th of March. I read Catherine’s “Instruction”, and since I generally gave myself the rule, when reading any serious work, to think about it and write out wonderful thoughts from it, I am writing here my opinion about the first six chapters of this wonderful work.
[...] The concepts of freedom under monarchical rule are the following: freedom, she says, is the ability of a person to do everything that he should do, and not be forced to do what he should not do. I would like to call out what she understands by the word should and should not; If by the word “what should be done” she means natural law, then it clearly follows that freedom can only exist in a state in whose legislation natural law does not differ in any way from positive law—a thought that is absolutely correct. [...]
March 19. A passion for science begins to emerge in me; Although this is the noblest of human passions, no less than that, I will never indulge in it one-sidedly, that is, completely killing the feeling and not engaging in application, solely striving to educate the mind and fill the memory. There is one-sidedness main reason human misfortunes. [...]
21 March. Chapter X sets out the basic rules and most dangerous mistakes related to criminal proceedings.
At the beginning of this chapter she asks herself a question. Where do punishments come from and where does the right to punish come from? She answers the first question: “Punishments arise from the need to protect the laws.” He also answers the second one quite wittily. She says: “The right to punish belongs to the laws alone, and only the monarch, as the representative of the entire state, can make laws.” In all this “Order” we are constantly presented with two heterogeneous elements that Catherine constantly wanted to agree on: namely, the consciousness of the need for constitutional government and pride, that is, the desire to be the unlimited ruler of Russia. For example, saying that in a monarchical government only the monarch can have legislative power, she takes the existence of this power as an axiom, without mentioning its origin. The lower government cannot impose punishments, because it is part of the whole, and the monarch has this right, because he is the representative of all citizens, says Catherine. But is the sovereign’s representation of the people in unlimited monarchies an expression of the totality of private, free wills of citizens? No, the expression of the general will in unlimited monarchies is the following: I tolerate a lesser evil, because if I did not tolerate it, I would be subjected to a greater evil.
March 24. I have changed a lot; but I still have not reached the degree of perfection (in my studies) that I would like to achieve. I do not do what I prescribe to myself; What I do, I don’t do well, I don’t strain my memory. To do this, I am writing here some rules, which, it seems to me, will help me a lot if I follow them. 1) Whatever is assigned to be fulfilled, do it no matter what. 2) Whatever you do, do it well. 3) Never consult a book if you have forgotten something, but try to remember it yourself. 4) Constantly force your mind to act with all its possible strength. 5) Read and think always loudly. 6) Don’t be ashamed to tell people who bother you that they are bothering you; first let him feel it, and if he doesn’t understand, then apologize and tell him so. In accordance with the second rule, I definitely want to finish commenting on Catherine’s entire order.
[...] Chapter XIII talks about handicrafts and trade. Catherine rightly notes that agriculture is the beginning of all trade and that in a land where people do not have their own property, agriculture cannot flourish; for people usually care more about things that belong to them than about things that can always be taken away from them. This is the reason why agriculture and trade cannot flourish in our country as long as slavery continues; for a person, subject to another, not only cannot be sure of constantly owning his property, but cannot even be sure of his own fate. Then: “Skilled farmers and artisans should be given bonuses.” In my opinion, in a state it is equally necessary to punish evil as to reward good.
March 25. It is not enough to turn people away from evil; they must also be encouraged to do good. She further says that those peoples who are lazy due to climate must be accustomed to activity by taking away from them all means of subsistence, excluding labor; He also notes that these peoples are usually prone to pride, and that this very pride can serve as a weapon for the destruction of laziness. Peoples whose climate is lazy are always gifted with ardent feelings, and if they were active, the state would be more unhappy. Catherine would have done better if she had said: people, not nations. And in fact, applying her remarks to private individuals, we will find that they are extremely fair.
It is very scary to take on such a topic as “The Diaries of L.N. Tolstoy.” First of all, hundreds smart people spent years studying the life and work of Lev Nikolaevich. Will you be able to say anything new or interesting? Secondly, the power of Lev Nikolaevich began to dissolve me in itself, absorb and subordinate me to its will. I barely made it out; it was not easy to comprehend what the diaries were for Tolstoy himself.
My wonderful literature teacher once resolved an ethical dilemma, “is it good, is it possible to read other people’s letters and diaries,” saying that within the framework of the study of literature, it is good and possible, because this was the will of the authors themselves, otherwise they would destroy this intimate part of themselves literary heritage. Lev Nikolaevich was not against the publication of his diaries, but revised his attitude to this issue several times. In his declining years, he did not want to leave the diaries of his youth. In his opinion, there was too much “disgusting” in them, but then he changed his mind and kept them. But some of the material was nevertheless removed from the diaries at the request of his wife; Tolstoy removed more than four dozen places where he spoke unflatteringly about her.
A writer's diaries are not his novels. In the diaries you encounter something completely different. It's amazing how different artistic word from everyday life in the mouth of the same person, in our case - brilliant writer. And even if we're talking about O sublime things: about God, about philosophy, about Spirit and soul - it comes out unbearably dull and flat. It was with these feelings that I bit into Tolstoy’s diaries. The writer encouraged me with sharp remarks addressed to someone or bursts of self-flagellation.
Young Lev begins his diary while in a clinic in Kazan. The diagnosis of neurasthenia brought the young man to his hospital bed. To one degree or another, problems with emotional sphere were with Tolstoy throughout his life. The most severe attacks of depression, panic attacks(remember the “Arzamas horror”), phobias (he was afraid to pick up babies until he trembled) - it was all there. And he had to seek help from doctors and undergo serious treatment.
Probably, if you give Tolstoy to psychiatrists and psychologists, they will dismantle him into atoms. And if you give it to anthropologists or sociologists, not to mention literary scholars and historians, even more so. Maybe you'll be able to figure this one out toughie and understand what kind of person Tolstoy was, what is the mystery of his talent?!
There is just no point in such proceedings. Because Tolstoy is a phenomenon. And a phenomenon, as we know, is something that exists without our previous knowledge about him and without further interpretation. A phenomenon is alive, interesting and valuable only as long as it is intact. Plunging into the world of Tolstoy’s diaries, I became convinced that, most likely, this was the right idea. But at the same time, I had almost no chance not to slip into vulgarity and banality when drawing my own conclusions.
Oddly enough, Vladimir Ilyich Lenin came to the rescue, because he gave very interesting definition Tolstoy and in the context of this problem of understanding the phenomenon, it seems that the most accurate. In a conversation with Gorky about Tolstoy, he once exclaimed: “What a lump, eh? What a seasoned little man! This, my friend, is an artist... And, you know what else is amazing? Before this count, there was no real man in literature.” The epithets “block” and “hardened man” are somehow inhuman. Lenin perceived Tolstoy as a phenomenon, without dividing him into a man and a writer. Of course, he used it for selfish purposes, dragged the “mirror of the Russian revolution” to the Olympus of the new Bolshevik gods and used it for utilitarian purposes. He very sharply dismissed the whole “non-format” - Tolstoyan wimps, non-resistance to evil with violence and vegetarian rice cutlets. But at the same time, the first edition full meeting Tolstoy’s works after the revolution (in 90 volumes) were initiated by Lenin, giving the instruction: “Tolstoy will have to be restored completely, printing everything that the tsarist censorship deleted.” However, the volumes containing the writer’s diaries and letters were published in a prudently small edition - only 5 thousand copies. To be safe, workers and peasants will suddenly read it and be embarrassed by their weak minds.
Let's return to the diaries. It all starts with “program” statements: we need to come up with rules , tofulfill rules, oh, I didn’t follow them, I was busy with other things, I need to come up with rules , tofulfill rules that will allow you to follow the rules...
But re-reading his early diaries from time to time, the writer remains satisfied and decides to continue, since he sees in this activity an undoubted benefit for himself, only he can discern the signs by which he determined his growth in these notes.
The level of detail in Tolstoy's description of his life is very modest. But if they occur, then only scanty remarks or omissions altogether, this does not mean that the author has gone on a spree, is idle or is a lord, although this has happened. Most often this means that a gigantic inner work, coming T t creative process. There is a gap of 13 years, with rare deviations. Soon after the writer got married, the diary was abandoned. Perhaps partly because Tolstoy gave the diaries to his young bride to read before the wedding? And everything was there. Including gambling debts, drunken parties, passions, and Tolstoy’s promise: “I won’t have a single woman in my village, except in some cases that I won’t look for, but I won’t miss.” Thus, the diary was twice “defiled”, in my opinion, by the fact that it was read by another person, and by the fact that now it would be necessary to write something else in it, because after marriage there came another, better, “clean” one. stage of life. Tolstoy chose to remain silent. But it was an extremely active period, fruitful in every sense.
Desperate to comprehend the greatness of Tolstoy, I succumbed to simple curiosity and decided to find out how he reacted to his birthday. Many people love their birthday. Some people hate it. With age, this day acquires another meaning - an exciting milestone, summing up the results for a certain period.
Tolstoy is almost indifferent to such sentiments. Here, for example, is an entry for August 28, 1852: “I am 24 years old; and I haven't done anything yet. I feel that it is not for nothing that I have been struggling with doubt and passions for eight years now. But what am I assigned to? This will open up the future. Killed three snipes.” And here is an excerpt from a recording made almost forty years later on his birthday: “August 28. Yasnaya Polyana. 90. I’m 63 years old. And ashamed, h That the fact that 1890: 63 = 30, and that my marriage is 28 years old, that these numbers seemed to me something significant, and I was looking forward to this year as a significant one. Got up late..." It seems to me that Tolstoy drew the line every day, he assessed himself strictly and constantly. Therefore, there is no connection to dates, anniversaries, he does not expect anything from them.
In the diaries one can find frequent and very harsh criticism of oneself, for the slightest error or imperfection - merciless self-flagellation. Tolstoy was sharp with his tongue and towards other people. He spares neither friends, nor relatives, nor famous colleagues. The entry dated August 25, 1862 made me laugh: “I’m sad at home. Wrote an article. I started walking and driving. Krasnokutsky (bad thoughts). Pleshcheev (poor nature). Pogodin - glorious old age and life. Wonderful night... Kokhanovskaya is a bitch, and all bitches, dried up in a crinoline.” Or the line was completely discouraging: “I read the second part of Dead Souls, rather clumsily” (08/28/1857).
The Tolstoy phenomenon remains a mystery to me, but accumulated knowledge creates the illusion of understanding. Yes, you can find out that Lev Nikolaevich Tolstoy lost his mother early, was widely educated person, although he did not graduate from the university, he was constantly engaged in self-education in all areas, read a lot, translated, wrote moralizing and religious-philosophical articles, huge novels, fairy tales, searched for God, unraveled the meaning of life, endlessly doubted, built schools, published a magazine, plowed and sowed, collected money to send sectarians abroad, argued with the church and the authorities, created his own teaching, became father of many children, played excellent chess, masterfully skated, fought bravely, was treated with kumiss for depression, quarreled with the classics, became a classic himself, lived a long life, did what he wanted, and felt connected … But you open his novel and disappear. And I no longer want to understand Tolstoy. I manage to find myself when I read his books. They do not answer the questions, but there are new questions that move forward.
Tolstoy's diaries are his personal punishment cell, where he nurtured his spirit. In his notebooks, the gentle, lonely, insecure young man learned to be tough, at least with himself, to begin with, learned to separate feelings from thoughts, and comprehended the secrets of existence. In order to survive, to survive, he learned to control the frantic power of the gift he had received. In order not to burn out, not to perish under its weight and pressure, in his diaries he was aware that for now he was coping with it.
In addition, I agree with the idea that a sentimental person cannot create something significant, he will not have enough strength, such a writer will not be able to kill his heroes, even if the plot demands it, he will feel sorry for everyone, fill him with tears and honey. In order to create epoch-making, deep, piercing books, you need a will free from excessive sentimentality. Tolstoy was hypersensitive from birth. That is why he was able to brilliantly describe the experiences, the subtlest emotional nuances of his heroes: men and women, old people and children, animals. And he had to steel himself to be able to express all this. And if you want to experience for yourself the influence of the energy that Tolstoy had to deal with, read his diaries, seemingly everyday entries, after some time suddenly become transparent, you can look into the abyss and shudder.