Statements from conductors. Statements from conductors: the most complete collection

We are, of course, lying. No one has the most complete collection of conductors' statements. If only for the reason that every day somewhere on the planet there is an orchestra rehearsal and one can only guess what statements from the conductors the orchestra artists hear, how many wonderful aphorisms the maestros give them.

However, we tried to collect as much as possible full version phrases and pearls of conductors.

You must be so beautiful, gentle and... vibrant.

To the double bassist: I shout to him that it’s out of tune, but he moves his hand an inch! Here you need all four!

To the timpanist: You should hammer nails into coffins in the cemetery, not play the timpani!

Looking at two violinists: I’ve been looking for half an hour - when will one hit the other in the eye with a bow!

If you make a mistake again, I will insult you all.

I promise you employment in the underground passage, and I will personally negotiate with the cops and bandits so that they don’t touch you. But I can’t vouch for passers-by.

Whoever hears the celesta will receive an incentive prize - a smile from the orchestra conductor.

You have already missed one thrill - you haven’t joined. It's better to get high together.

This is where complications arise.

If you were a woman, I would ask you to play hysterically here, but as a man, I ask you to play monumentally.

What are you doing at the block? At your age!

The sound should be clear and round, like... a glass!

Now I have disturbed you so much that you don’t understand anything at all!

Poulenc and Shostakovich have the same touches. They lived at the same time, it’s just that Poulenc died before Shostakovich.

Those who are now feeling are low. Feel higher!

Skids and diarrhea are not considered reasons for being late for a rehearsal anywhere in the world.

The animal is gentle, but the tail is rough.

Give me a rough A.

The main tip of this part? Practice abstinence!

Do you know what swing is? This is not a male creature. This is jazz!

There is no need to torment the harp like that and confuse it with a drunken husband.

I have no place in the same music as you!

Second trombone, I want to wish you to play like this at your funeral!

What kind of New Orleans are you talking about here? Did you have blacks in your family?

Try blowing on your own! I have the impression that you are still in music school did not explain the direction of air flow in the mouthpiece.

I will ask you to die for these eight bars, without even breathing!

I will ask the scribes to write a larger batch for idiots!

Instead of a saxophone, you should have a “Friendship” chainsaw in your hands. Same sound, more money!

You play so legato that I think you have hiccups!

You are very beautiful Strong arms. Put down the instrument and strangle yourself with it, don’t mock the music!

Violinists! If it were 1937 now, you would all be shot for sabotage.

When you come home, convey my condolences to your wife. How can you sleep with such an irregular person?

You play it all so familiarly, as if you were drinking with Prokofiev in person!

Tell me, aren't you ashamed? It would be better if you ruined the air than this wonderful place in the adagio!

For the next concert, instead of a tailcoat, I’ll give you a canvas suit, you’ll play like in a fireman’s band, if that’s closer to you!

I stop all ceremonies, and with today I’ll start teaching you to love, if not me, then at least music!

After each such concert, you must go to church and ask God for forgiveness. And don’t forget to donate to the temple.

5 rehearsals left until shame!

The bassoons have not yet been put into their mouths, but the trombones have already finished!

I say pipes! And they hug, kiss and sit.

There are many notes in Shostakovich, and they change all the time.

We all understand what “rr” is – this is tenderness taken to the limit, as towards your child...

What does not coincide with the text of the overture - look with your fingers.

A note under a dot means something needs to be done with it.

I’ll tell you now what notes are here – you’ll be very surprised.

God knows what's written in the score. The scribe is a terrible person.

Is not Symphony Orchestra, you can’t hide in the crowd here, you have to play clean!

Play not what I demand, but what is written in the notes.

The gypsy fun is overshadowed by an impossible passage of trombones.

You need to play as if you have accepted a little and are not in a hurry.

Pretend you're musicians and not just assholes with hardware.

Altos, where are you going?! And it would be good if something decent climbed, otherwise F-sharp...

Guys, these are “cuckoo sounds”, and not the approach of enemy aircraft!

All parts are like parties, and the first sopranos are disabled!

Women's choir! Sing along with your brains.

Tenora, why did you take the sound in a bubble?!..

In decent orchestras they don’t stare at the conductor!

Eight is the same pace, only 2 times faster!

Airy, like a flute in the bushes.

Play with your ears here!

You should have absorbed this work with the teacher's milk!

Mendelssohn must be played without “Mendelsianism”.

You have to hit this note very firmly, even if it’s very out of tune!

Get your manicure off your neck!

Move your left hand so that everyone thinks you are alive.

They sit and wait for the batch to be shoved into their mouth...

Your pupils are dilated! Make your pupils smaller, play on the small pupil, the state of the music depends on the state of your pupil!

Girls, your fingers are like Schwarzenegger’s toes!

And if someone played falsely, the main thing is to have time to look reproachfully at your neighbor.

Don't get overwhelmed by your own talent!

I don’t need to make all this snot sound like a bow here! They wiped the fretboard and played dry!..

Keep one eye on the game and two on me!!!

Number the measures, otherwise your eyes may shift, but there are no numbers!

Come home and practice so that your entire apartment can play it...

Why do you always try so hard to play as soon as I start conducting?

Tell me, please, did you play like that now after the conservatory? I’ll go there tomorrow, strangle the rector and demand that your diploma be taken away!

People who play false should be put in prison on the same basis as counterfeiters.

It would be better if you hit the timpani with your head, it would be louder!

Stop staring at the flutist's neckline, there are no notes there, your part is on the music stand!

Trumpeters, although you sit higher than the trombones, they, unlike you, are men!

Now I’ll turn my back to you, and guess what I wanted to say!

You have to hate each other so much to play like that!

Why didn’t they explain to you as a child how a trumpet differs from a pioneer bugle?

Shostakovich was not a boxer, but for such a game he would resurrect and punch you in the face!

And what fool told you that your place is on the stage, and not on a construction site?

I would kiss you for such a solo, it’s a pity you’re sitting far away. I'm waiting for you at 10 a.m. tomorrow in my office.

I have the impression that the pipes are obstructed. Contact your gynecologist!

If you play the first number like that again, I will kill you all one by one, bury you, serve time, and then recruit a new orchestra!

You, my dear, have such an expression on your face as if, except for a cello, you had never held anything between your legs in your life!

Aren't you afraid to go to the second department? Be grateful that intellectuals go to the conservatory. Otherwise, the proletarians would get up from their seats and punch all of you in the face for such a game!

Play as pianissimo as if I were dead!

I know you all hate me. Now think about how I should treat you?

If you think that a symphony orchestra differs from a tavern orchestra only in that it has more labukhs, you are very mistaken!

If I had my way, I would use this stick so that your air passage in the body would be restored!

When playing “piano”, the air stream should be thinner than a mosquito peeing!

For such a game, in the old days you would have been sent to the taiga to cut down trees with a jigsaw.

Trumpeters, your lips should be like a chicken's ass!

You should have ten bars of homosexuality in your intro!

The violas merge in ecstasy with the first violins and end up in the piano.

Play freely and musically, otherwise watch me!

Sforzando means to hit him hard in the face and run away quickly.

Place this in the pianissimo solution...

When attacking wedges, use less force, in to a greater extent bounce…

Agogically we move the eighth notes apart within the bar.

The imperative lies in the playing of the oboes.

Maybe we can put something forward? Or push it?.. Or just with your lips?.. (to the horns)

For this to acquire some metro-tectonic meaning, it is necessary to apply every 5th beat

Snare drum! Play your crescendo with small, inconspicuous dots. Well, how can I explain it to you? Well, it’s as if the salary is the same, but an increase is expected.

Double basses! Take out your scarecrow and show it!

Feel the sixteenths - enjoy it.

You have one function - walking around according to the texture.

He posted it and hid himself.

Please ensure there are no accidents!

Before I suggest...

Apparently I moved wrong.

Don't drag us down with your tail!

I didn't have enough pipes yesterday. Please add more!

Now let’s break down Shatskaya.

Second violins, work with your right hands!

Sergey! Set linearity, weigh parameters and find the environment.

You need to dig your left finger into the bar!

Take in right hand all your tenderness!

Brahms decided to make a little surprise.

Someone honestly holds a quarter there all the way.

Coherent in terms of being put together into one single phrase.

Masterful sound, just like I conduct!

I scream and shout, but you still can’t see me!

Sudden subito piano.

Put in another, as in my hand!

There is information in my hand!

I do something with my hands!

I will be my ear closer to you so that the triplets fall together.

The piano is sitting nearby!

There is no firmness in my hand!

Some kind of slowdown!

I've been standing like this with my hands for a long time!

My hand is thinking about it!

My hand behaved this way.

It is necessary to listen to one hanging note.

Moments of languor in the forks are needed!

When the rhythm goes wrong, there is little pleasure!

Still, the tail was a little ahead.

For some reason our horn is in labor pain.

I will take this note separately with my hand.

I conduct rhythmically... I hope.

I seem to be conducting smoothly.

The new tempo still needs to be taken by hand, and not from the ceiling.

Bring something like that to the party!

Energetic, the tongue is very active!

You don't like what I show!

For you alone I hold my finger!

You have to think from your head, not from your bow.

Strings, respond to my big gestures!

Move your eyes where you need to!

I will go back and forth, and you will play the machine.

Enter a little bit here.

(Addressing the stagehands) Remove all the brass players except the ones who are busy.

Don't expect anything from me! Last time conducting...

You pull, you get stuck...

(Rehearsing “Gallop with Champagne”) Where you put the glasses is your own business.

(About his own creation) The instrumentation itself will give strength.

Ears must be extremely pointed!

Ears must be very active!

Not for me, but for my ears.

(Conducting according to the part) Do you think I don’t have a score - so I don’t know anything?

Now the pause is happening!

It is important to immediately put the character of this stroke into both your hand and your head.

(To the orchestra - about the soloist) There are many of you - she has one sound.

The sound came out.

If your head listens carefully...

“Scheherazade” is a serious thing!

The double bass was moving back and forth somewhere.

Seek mastery!

We kept a pretty good rhythm.

Pleased the guy!

Complete linearity!

Breathe a little faster, or something...

I don’t just shake the air, I need it!

You write and write, but still listen with your ears.

We are still in the climax zone!

I’m addressing you, and not someone else!

Where I shouted “more, more!”

Now let's take Delilah. Hurry up, she's already down!

Here you need to tug a little!

Watch me show this here.

The tree ran somewhere...

Let's sit down on the beat.

Do it in a way that doesn't bother me...

There must be an unusually beautiful fall.

French horn! Did you hear that you had enough?

We need to break the back brass!

Eighths should be somewhere between.

Violin concerto in pieces.

I specifically conduct smoothly.

How many notes, how many notes! And I'm alone...

I didn't really feel what you were doing.

Feel my hand in this place! (Dialogue between two ladies. – Do you want to? – No!!!)

You do it dirty and with a push.

Part of the orchestra takes, but the other doesn’t and then catches up...

Tolya! Why does everyone take it, but you don’t?

I want to kind of help, but I have something else...

I don't conduct behind the music!

I've been sitting in this place for a long time. (I remember: “For the sixth year now I have reigned peacefully...”)

Pianissimo play very quietly!

Before that you need to do this.

There is still a French horn hanging. Forgot, right?

Fine. Did not work out.

Just like that: take it and put it in!

Do it here and there.

The soloist is still rocking.

Take off your tails!

You knew what was coming!

Don't stick pizzicato anywhere!

Take the third share from me, not somewhere else.

I even forgot how to conduct with you.

Open up the Duo of Silva and Edwin, we'll make a change there. (Remark: – Will the three of them sing?!)

After intermission - New Year.

There is a problem - this half of the first violins sees very poorly. (Hint from the spot: “And the other half is very hard of hearing!”)

Vadim asks to play more freely here.

The first violins must prevail.

Girls! Don't upset me needlessly!

You need to think in D-flat!

Pulse with eights!

Draw anything you like: it stops here!

Full order! Just absolutely not together...

Everyone gets forte.

Everything depends on your reinforced concrete pulse!

Here everything is superimposed on a calm-like cello.

Sit very tightly on the first note!

We must not think - we must act!

Press the bow in, open the sound!

Give yourself the effort to make two forte in your right hand.

Cut straight!

Don't quit top note to the mercy of fate, caress her!

Smells like a kindergarten.

Take this not as nonsense, but as an image!

Here you have to play not according to your hand, here you have to play evenly!

Here the violins have a delay...

And the violinists did it, even though we rehearsed yesterday...

I will try to provide everything manually, don't worry.

The pulse is gone.

They bring it to a white heat, and then they want to get something.

Murderer! Complete zero!

The trombones hit him in the face with their introduction and fell into a ditch.

I'm conducting like an idiot!

I'm jumping here, but there's still no sound!

Horn players! You must tear everything to shreds!

We strangled the soloist here!

No need to hold the whole note like a stick!

This is real Brahms meat!

Dungeon touch!!!

Get the information in your head.

Don't play with sticks, but with hearts!

Mobilize your attention!

Hit it right!

Of course, here you have to scratch with all your might!

The guy got into the wrong place.

There is nothing left to give!

Pull everything at the same time!

I can’t put it in everyone’s mouth!

Tree! Communicate with me!

By the way, I’m not talking nonsense now!.. I hope.

Why are you offering me carrion!

Don't pull F-sharp back so much!

Let's finish this piece and enjoy it ourselves.

A somewhat blurry picture of a tree.

Where are your beautiful eyes?

This place should be intimate... That is, very quiet.

Hold long notes and pull out the end!

The editors of the site collected best phrases geniuses:

1. There were only three rehearsals before the shame.

2. Keep one eye on the game and two on me!

3. You play all this so familiarly, as if you personally drank with Prokofiev!

4. I’ll tell you now what notes there are - you’ll be very surprised.

5. This is not a symphony orchestra, you can’t hide in the crowd here, you have to play cleanly!

6. You need to play as if you had a little drink and are in no hurry.

7. Altos, where are you climbing? And it would be good if something decent climbed, otherwise it’s F-sharp!

8. Guys, these are “cuckoo sounds”, and not the approach of enemy aircraft!

9. And if someone played falsely, the main thing is to have time to look reproachfully at your neighbor.

10. Don’t get overwhelmed by your own talent!

11. Number the measures, otherwise your eyes may shift, but there are no numbers!

12. Come home and practice so that your whole family can play it.

13. Women's choir! Sing along with your brains.

14. You should have absorbed this work with the teacher’s milk!

15. Mendelssohn must be played without “Mendelsianism”.

16. Get your manicure off the nail!

17. Stop staring at the flutist’s neckline, there are no notes there, your part is on the music stand!

18. You have to hate each other so much to play like that!

19. Why didn’t they explain to you as a child how a trumpet differs from a pioneer bugle?

20. Shostakovich was not a boxer, but for such a game he would resurrect and punch you in the face!

21. If you play the first number like that again, I will kill you all in turn, bury you, serve time, and then recruit a new orchestra!

22. Are you not afraid to go to the second department? Be grateful that intellectuals go to the conservatory. Otherwise, the proletarians would get up from their seats and punch all of you in the face for such a game!

23. Don’t torment the harp like that and confuse it with a drunken husband!

24. I know that you all hate me. Now think about how I should treat you?

25. I don’t belong in the same music with you!

26. Second trombone, I want to wish you that they play like this at your funeral!

27. Try blowing on your own! I have the impression that they didn’t explain to you in music school the direction of air flow in a mouthpiece!

28. If I had my way, I would use this stick so that your air passage in the body would be restored!

29. I promise you employment in the underground passage, and I will personally negotiate with the cops and bandits so that they don’t touch you. But I can’t vouch for passers-by.

30. Instead of a saxophone, you should have a “Friendship” chainsaw in your hands. Same sound, more money!

31. You have very beautiful, strong hands. Put down the instrument and strangle yourself with it, don’t mock the music!

32. When you come home, convey my condolences to your wife. How can you sleep with such an irregular person?

33. I stop all ceremonies and from today I will begin to teach you to love, if not me, then at least music!

Nevertheless, we tried to collect as complete a version as possible.

***
You must be so beautiful, gentle and... vibrant.

To the double bassist: I shout to him that it’s out of tune, but he moves his hand an inch! Here you need all four!

To the timpanist: You should hammer nails into coffins in the cemetery, not play the timpani!

Looking at two violinists: I’ve been looking for half an hour - when will one hit the other in the eye with a bow!

If you make a mistake again, I will insult you all.

I promise you employment in the underground passage, and I will personally negotiate with the cops and bandits so that they don’t touch you. But I can’t vouch for passers-by.

Whoever hears the celesta will receive an incentive prize - a smile from the orchestra conductor.

You've already missed one thrill - you haven't joined. It's better to get high together.

This is where complications arise.

If you were a woman, I would ask you to play hysterically here, but as a man, I ask you to play monumentally.

What are you doing at the block? At your age!

The sound should be clear and round, like... a glass!

Now I have disturbed you so much that you don’t understand anything at all!

Fabio Luisi

Poulenc and Shostakovich have the same touches. They lived at the same time, it’s just that Poulenc died before Shostakovich.

Those who are now groping are low. Feel higher!

Skids and diarrhea are not considered reasons for being late for a rehearsal anywhere in the world.

The animal is gentle, but the tail is rough.

Give me a rough A.

The main tip of this part? Practice abstinence!

Do you know what swing is? This is not a male creature. This is jazz!

There is no need to torment the harp like that and confuse it with a drunken husband.

I have no place in the same music as you!

Second trombone, I want to wish you to play like this at your funeral!

What kind of New Orleans are you talking about here? Did you have blacks in your family?

Try blowing on your own! I have the impression that the direction of air flow in the mouthpiece was not explained to you in music school.

I will ask you to die for these eight bars, without even breathing!

James Levine

I will ask the scribes to write a larger batch for idiots!

Instead of a saxophone, you should have a “Friendship” chainsaw in your hands. Same sound, more money!

You play so legato that I think you have hiccups!

You have very beautiful, strong hands. Put down the instrument and strangle yourself with it, don’t mock the music!

Violinists! If it were 1937 now, you would all be shot for sabotage.

When you come home, convey my condolences to your wife. How can you sleep with such an irregular person?

You play it all so familiarly, as if you were drinking with Prokofiev in person!

Tell me, aren't you ashamed? It would be better if you ruined the air than this wonderful place in the adagio!

For the next concert, instead of a tailcoat, I’ll give you a canvas suit, you’ll play like in a fireman’s band, if that’s closer to you!

I stop all ceremonies, and from today I will begin to teach you to love, if not me, then at least music!

After each such concert, you must go to church and ask God for forgiveness. And don’t forget to donate to the temple.

5 rehearsals left until shame!

Anthony Vitus

The bassoons have not yet been put into their mouths, but the trombones have already finished!

I say pipes! And they hug, kiss and sit.

There are many notes in Shostakovich, and they change all the time.

We all understand what “rr” is - this is tenderness taken to the limit, as towards your child...

What does not coincide with the text of the overture - look with your fingers.

A note under a dot means something needs to be done with it.

I will now tell you what notes are here - you will be very surprised.

God knows what's written in the score. The scribe is a terrible person.

This is not a symphony orchestra, you can’t hide in the crowd here, you have to play cleanly!

Kent Nagano

Play not what I demand, but what is written in the notes.

The gypsy fun is overshadowed by an impossible passage of trombones.

You need to play as if you have accepted a little and are not in a hurry.

Pretend you're musicians and not just assholes with hardware.

Altos, where are you going?! And it would be good if something decent climbed, otherwise F-sharp...

Guys, these are “cuckoo sounds”, and not the approach of enemy aircraft!

All parts are like parts, and the first sopranos are disabled!

Women's choir! Sing along with your brains.

Tenora, why did you take the sound in a bubble?!..

In decent orchestras they don’t stare at the conductor!

Eight is the same pace, only 2 times faster!

Airy, like a flute in the bushes.

Play with your ears here!

You should have absorbed this work with the teacher's milk!

Mendelssohn must be played without “Mendelsianism”.

You have to hit this note very firmly, even if it’s very out of tune!

Get your manicure off your neck!

Move your left hand so that everyone thinks you are alive.

They sit and wait for the batch to be shoved into their mouth...

Nicholas Harnoncourt

Your pupils are dilated! Make your pupils smaller, play on the small pupil, the state of the music depends on the state of your pupil!

Girls, your fingers are like Schwarzenegger’s toes!

And if someone played falsely, the main thing is to have time to look reproachfully at your neighbor.

Don't get overwhelmed by your own talent!

I don’t need to make all this snot sound like a bow here! They wiped the fretboard and played dry!..

Keep one eye on the game and two on me!!!

Number the measures, otherwise your eyes may shift, but there are no numbers!

Come home and practice so that your entire apartment can play it...

Why do you always try so hard to play as soon as I start conducting?

Tell me, please, did you play like that now after the conservatory? I’ll go there tomorrow, strangle the rector and demand that your diploma be taken away!

People who play false should be put in prison on the same basis as counterfeiters.

Daniel Oren

It would be better if you hit the timpani with your head, it would be louder!

Stop staring at the flutist's neckline, there are no notes there, your part is on the music stand!

Trumpeters, although you sit higher than the trombones, they, unlike you, are men!

Now I’ll turn my back to you, and guess what I wanted to say!

You have to hate each other so much to play like that!

Why didn’t they explain to you as a child how a trumpet differs from a pioneer bugle?

Shostakovich was not a boxer, but for such a game he would resurrect and punch you in the face!

And what fool told you that your place is on the stage, and not on a construction site?

Vasily Petrenko

I would kiss you for such a solo, it’s a pity you’re sitting far away. I'm waiting for you at 10 a.m. tomorrow in my office.

I have the impression that the pipes are obstructed. Contact your gynecologist!

If you play the first number like that again, I will kill you all one by one, bury you, serve time, and then recruit a new orchestra!

You, my dear, have such an expression on your face as if, except for a cello, you had never held anything between your legs in your life!

Play as pianissimo as if I were dead!

I know you all hate me. Now think about how I should treat you?

If you think that a symphony orchestra differs from a tavern orchestra only in that it has more labukhs, you are very mistaken!

If I had my way, I would use this stick so that your air passage in the body would be restored!

Krzysztof Urbanski

When playing “piano”, the air stream should be thinner than a mosquito peeing!

For such a game, in the old days you would have been sent to the taiga to cut down trees with a jigsaw.

Trumpeters, your lips should be like a chicken's ass!

You should have ten bars of homosexuality in your intro!

The violas merge in ecstasy with the first violins and end up in the piano.

Play freely and musically, otherwise watch me!

Sforzando means hitting him hard in the face and running away quickly.

Place this in the pianissimo solution...

When attacking wedges, apply less, bounce more...

Agogically we move the eighth notes apart within the bar.

The imperative lies in the playing of the oboes.

Maybe we can put something forward? Or push it?.. Or just with your lips?.. (to the horns)

For this to acquire some metro-tectonic meaning, it is necessary to apply every 5th beat

Snare drum! Play your crescendo with small, inconspicuous dots. Well, how can I explain it to you? Well, it’s as if the salary is the same, but an increase is expected.

Leif Segerstam

Double basses! Take out your scarecrow and show it!

Feel the sixteenths - enjoy it.

You have one function - partying according to the texture.

He posted it and hid himself.

Please ensure there are no accidents!

Before I suggest...

Apparently I moved wrong.

Don't drag us down with your tail!

I didn't have enough pipes yesterday. Please add more!

Now let’s break down Shatskaya.

Second violins, work with your right hands!

Sergey! Set linearity, weigh parameters and find the environment.

You need to dig your left finger into the bar!

Take all your tenderness in your right hand!

Brahms decided to make a little surprise.

Someone honestly holds a quarter there all the way.

Coherent in terms of being put together into one single phrase.

Masterful sound, just like I conduct!

I scream and shout, but you still can’t see me!

Sudden subito piano.

Put in another, as in my hand!

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Alice Farnham

There is information in my hand!

I do something with my hands!

I will be my ear closer to you so that the triplets fall together.

The piano is sitting nearby!

There is no firmness in my hand!

Some kind of slowdown!

I've been standing like this with my hands for a long time!

My hand is thinking about it!

My hand behaved this way.

It is necessary to listen to one hanging note.

Moments of languor in the forks are needed!

Still, the tail was a little ahead.

For some reason our horn is in labor pain.

I conduct rhythmically... I hope.

I seem to be conducting smoothly.

The new tempo still needs to be taken by hand, and not from the ceiling.

Bring something like that to the party!

Energetic, the tongue is very active!

Simon Rattle

You don't like what I show!

For you alone I hold my finger!

You have to think from your head, not from your bow.

Strings, respond to my big gestures!

Move your eyes where you need to!

I will go back and forth, and you will play the machine.

Enter a little bit here.

(Addressing the stagehands) Remove all the brass players except the ones who are busy.

Don't expect anything from me! This is the last time I will conduct...

You pull, you get stuck...

(Rehearsing “Gallop with Champagne”) Where you put the glasses is your own business.

(About his own creation) The instrumentation itself will give strength.

Ears must be extremely pointed!

Ears must be very active!

Not for me, but for my ears.

(Conducting according to the part) Do you think that I don’t have a score - so I don’t know anything?

Now the pause is happening!

It is important to immediately put the character of this stroke into both your hand and your head.

(To the orchestra - about the soloist) There are many of you - she has one sound.

The sound came out.

If your head listens carefully...

"Scheherazade" is a serious thing!

The double bass was moving back and forth somewhere.

Seek mastery!

We kept a pretty good rhythm.

Teodor Currentzis

Pleased the guy!

Complete linearity!

Breathe a little faster, or something...

I don’t just shake the air, I need it!

You write and write, but still listen with your ears.

We are still in the climax zone!

I’m addressing you, and not someone else!

Where I shouted “more, more!”

Now let's take Delilah. Hurry up, she's already down!

Here you need to tug a little!

Watch me show this here.

The tree ran somewhere...

Let's sit down on the beat.

Do it in a way that doesn't bother me...

There must be an unusually beautiful fall.

French horn! Did you hear that you had enough?

We need to break the back brass!

Eighths should be somewhere between.

Violin concerto in pieces.

I specifically conduct smoothly.

How many notes, how many notes! And I'm alone...

I didn't really feel what you were doing.

Feel my hand in this place! (Dialogue between two ladies. - Do you want to? - No!!!)

You do it dirty and with a push.

Part of the orchestra takes, but the other doesn’t and then catches up...

Tolya! Why does everyone take it, but you don’t?

I want to kind of help, but I have something else...

I don't conduct behind the music!

I've been sitting in this place for a long time. (I remember: “For the sixth year now I have reigned peacefully...”)

Pianissimo play very quietly!

Placido Domingo

Before that you need to do this.

There is still a French horn hanging. Forgot, right?

Fine. Did not work out.

Just like that: take it and put it in!

Do it here and there.

The soloist is still rocking.

Take off your tails!

You knew what was coming!

Don't stick pizzicato anywhere!

Take the third share from me, not somewhere else.

I even forgot how to conduct with you.

Open up the Duo of Silva and Edwin, we'll make a change there. (Remark: - Will the three of them sing?!)

After intermission - New Year.

There is a problem - this half of the first violins sees very poorly. (Hint from the spot: “And the other half is very hard of hearing!”)

Vadim asks to play more freely here.

The first violins must prevail.

Girls! Don't upset me needlessly!

You need to think in D-flat!

Pulse with eights!

Draw anything you like: it stops here!

Full order! Just absolutely not together...

Everyone gets forte.

Everything depends on your reinforced concrete pulse!

Here everything is superimposed on a calm-like cello.

Sit very tightly on the first note!

We must not think - we must act!

Press the bow in, open the sound!

Give yourself the effort to make two forte in your right hand.

Cut straight!

Don't leave the top note to the mercy of fate, caress it!

Smells like a kindergarten.

Take this not as nonsense, but as an image!

Here you have to play not according to your hand, here you have to play evenly!

Seiji Ozawa

Here the violins have a delay...

And the violinists did it, even though we rehearsed yesterday...

I will try to provide everything manually, don't worry.

The pulse is gone.

They bring it to a white heat, and then they want to get something.

Murderer! Complete zero!

The trombones hit him in the face with their introduction and fell into a ditch.

I'm conducting like an idiot!

I'm jumping here, but there's still no sound!

Horn players! You must tear everything to shreds!

We strangled the soloist here!

No need to hold the whole note like a stick!

This is real Brahms meat!

Dungeon touch!!!

Get the information in your head.

Don't play with sticks, but with hearts!

Mobilize your attention!

Daniel Barenboim

Hit it right!

Of course, here you have to scratch with all your might!

The guy got into the wrong place.

There is nothing left to give!

Pull everything at the same time!

I can’t put it in everyone’s mouth!

Tree! Communicate with me!

By the way, I’m not talking nonsense now!.. I hope.

Why are you offering me carrion!

Don't pull F-sharp back so much!

Let's finish this piece and enjoy it ourselves.

A somewhat blurry picture of a tree.

Where are your beautiful eyes?

This place should be intimate... That is, very quiet.

Hold long notes and pull out the end!

Lick every note!

Everything is veiled behind my back.

Take the melody out of it!

You're stepping on my clarinet!

If you play honestly, you will always be behind.

If someone misses the mark, the academic title is cancelled.

Here you have to smack, but you smack!

Why so rude? Juliet is a girl - you need her with the tip... And you with the whole bow!

Look at me everyone! I'll take pictures soon and show you everything!

100 grams or 150 - there is no difference, but if you change the product...

When the rhythm goes wrong, there is little pleasure!

I do this manually, but I don't get an answer.

I don't want to work with my left hand in the evening!

The letter “G” must be played according to the, uh... letter!

Tailless removal!

There must be one-time thinking! (at one time)

Double basses, I don't like this fuss in the back!

Again he turned away and scratched his own!

Relaxation passed through.

Surely someone will show up ahead of time!

This is what Elgar wanted: the second take off, and everyone else has a fermata until the end of the bar!

Place this encore sheet in the back of the console.

I won’t bother here to give an aftertaste!

I can hear all these hairs.

I walk away from this figure, leaving it in the dirt.

This is a different level of life - when a person begins to sing according to notes in a four-voice choir!

Specifics of the quasi-dimensional time period.

From the 5th digit - strengthening thematic presence...

I only need your ears and the bone of the bow!

A sharp ledge, and then the oboe has a solo mission again

I don’t do this with my finger, but with my hand!

Technical nonsense in 3rd position turned into intonation mud

No need to comb out these eights!

Leave mine left hand at rest!

Wait for my sign - with a finger, an eyebrow or something else...

I act here both manually and verbally... What else do you want?

It’s impossible to be active with five centimeters...

You take those triplets from the back.

I catch you and return you to the fold of the ensemble.

Here the clarinet and I restore tempo justice.

I don’t want to scare anyone, but God forbid!

Well do it with me, don't be afraid!!!

I won’t let anyone say anything dirty!

I feel the introduction and desire here...

The end must be clean!

It’s not always comfortable in my hand either!

When the soft end is dangerous!

Back to old times? Same!

Let's finish it off!

Ugh, not a rehearsal, but some kind of debauchery.

PHRASES OF SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA CONDUCTORS

(From Moscow conservatives through Alexei Nasretdinov)

Only three rehearsals left before shame!

The bassoons have not yet been put into their mouths, but the trombones have already finished!

I say: pipes! And look, they are hugging and kissing.

A note under a dot means you need to do something with it.

I’ll tell you now what notes there are – you’ll be very surprised.

God knows what's written in the score! The census taker is a terrible piece of shit.

This is not a symphony orchestra, you can’t hide in the crowd here, you have to play cleanly!

Play not what I demand, but what is written in the notes.

The gypsy fun is overshadowed by an impossible passage of trombones.

You need to play as if you had a little drink and are in no hurry.

Pretend that you are musicians and not just assholes with hardware.

In decent orchestras they don’t stare at the conductor!

“Eight” – the same pace, only 2 times faster!

Play airily, like a flute in the bushes.

Altos, where are you going? And it would be good if something decent climbed, otherwise it’s F-sharp!

Guys, these are “cuckoo sounds”, and not the approach of enemy aircraft!

All parts are like parties, and the first sopranos are disabled!

And if someone played falsely, the main thing is to have time to look reproachfully at your neighbor.

Don't get overwhelmed by your own talent!

I don’t need to make all this snot sound like a bow here! Wiped off the fretboard and played dry!

Keep one eye on the game and two on me!

Number the measures, otherwise your eyes may shift, but there are no numbers!

Come home and practice so that your whole family can play it...

Why do you always try so hard to play as soon as I start conducting?

Women's choir! Sing along with your brains.

You should have absorbed this work with the teacher's milk!

Mendelssohn must be played without “Mendelsianism”.

Violas! Let the moment of your giftedness take effect.

You have to hit this note very firmly, even if it’s out of tune!

Get your manicure off your neck!

Move your left hand more strongly so that everyone thinks that you are alive.

Tell me, please, did you play like that now after the conservatory? I’ll go there tomorrow, strangle the rector and demand that your diploma be taken away!

Girls, your fingers are like Schwarzenegger’s toes!

People who play false should be put in prison on the same basis as counterfeiters.

It would be better if you hit the timpani with your head, it would be louder!

Stop staring at the flutist's neckline, there are no notes there, your part is on the music stand!

Trumpeters, although you sit higher than the trombones, they, unlike you, are men!

Now I’ll turn my back to you, and guess what I wanted to say!

You have to hate each other so much to play like that!

Why didn’t they explain to you as a child how a trumpet differs from a pioneer bugle?

Shostakovich was not a boxer, but for such a game he would resurrect and punch you in the face!

And what fool told you that your place is on the stage, and not on a construction site?

I would kiss you for such a solo, it’s a pity you’re sitting far away. I'm waiting for you at 10 a.m. tomorrow in my office.

I have the impression that the pipes are obstructed. Contact your gynecologist!

If you play the first number like that again, I will kill you all one by one, bury you, serve time, and then recruit a new orchestra!

You, my dear, have such an expression on your face as if, except for a cello, you had never held anything between your legs in your life!

Don't torment the harp like that and confuse it with a drunken husband!

Play as pianissimo as if I were dead!

I know you all hate me. Now think about how I should treat you?

I have no place in the same music as you!

Second trombone, I want to wish you to play like this at your funeral!

What kind of New Orleans are you talking about here? Did you have blacks in your family?

If you think that a symphony orchestra differs from a tavern orchestra only in that it has more labukhs, you are very mistaken!

Only three rehearsals left before shame!

After each such concert, you must go to church and ask God for forgiveness. And don’t forget to donate to the temple.

I say: pipes! And look, they are hugging and kissing.
A note under a dot means you need to do something with it.
I’ll tell you now what notes there are – you’ll be very surprised.
God knows what's written in the score! The census taker is a terrible piece of shit.
This is not a symphony orchestra, you can’t hide in the crowd here, you have to play cleanly!
Play not what I demand, but what is written in the notes.
The gypsy fun is overshadowed by an impossible passage of trombones.
You need to play as if you had a little drink and are in no hurry.
Pretend that you are musicians and not just assholes with hardware.
In decent orchestras they don’t stare at the conductor!
“Eight” – the same pace, only 2 times faster!
Play airily, like a flute in the bushes.
Altos, where are you going? And it would be good if something decent climbed, otherwise it’s F-sharp!
Guys, these are “cuckoo sounds”, and not the approach of enemy aircraft!
All parts are like parties, and the first sopranos are disabled!
And if someone played falsely, the main thing is to have time to look reproachfully at your neighbor.
Don't get overwhelmed by your own talent!
I don’t need to make all this snot sound like a bow here! Wiped off the fretboard and played dry!
Keep one eye on the game and two on me!
Number the measures, otherwise your eyes may shift, but there are no numbers!
Come home and practice so that your whole family can play it...
Why do you always try so hard to play as soon as I start conducting?
Women's choir! Sing along with your brains.
You should have absorbed this work with the teacher's milk!
Mendelssohn must be played without “Mendelsianism”.
Violas! Let the moment of your giftedness take effect.
You have to hit this note very firmly, even if it’s out of tune!
Get your manicure off your neck!
Move your left hand more strongly so that everyone thinks that you are alive.
Tell me, please, did you play like that now after the conservatory? I’ll go there tomorrow, strangle the rector and demand that your diploma be taken away!
Girls, your fingers are like Schwarzenegger’s toes!
People who play false should be put in prison on the same basis as counterfeiters.
It would be better if you hit the timpani with your head, it would be louder!
Stop staring at the flutist's neckline, there are no notes there, your part is on the music stand!
Trumpeters, although you sit higher than the trombones, they, unlike you, are men!
Now I’ll turn my back to you, and guess what I wanted to say!
You have to hate each other so much to play like that!
Why didn’t they explain to you as a child how a trumpet differs from a pioneer bugle?
Shostakovich was not a boxer, but for such a game he would resurrect and punch you in the face!
And what fool told you that your place is on the stage, and not on a construction site?
I would kiss you for such a solo, it’s a pity you’re sitting far away. I'm waiting for you at 10 a.m. tomorrow in my office.
For some reason, drummers always try to consider themselves the most important in the orchestra! Remember: the leader in the orchestra is the director, the second is me, and you are in the first hundred!
I have the impression that the pipes are obstructed. Contact your gynecologist!
If you play the first number like that again, I will kill you all one by one, bury you, serve time, and then recruit a new orchestra!
You, my dear, have such an expression on your face as if, except for a cello, you had never held anything between your legs in your life!
Aren't you afraid to go to the second department? Be grateful that intellectuals go to the conservatory. Otherwise, the proletarians would get up from their seats and punch all of you in the face for such a game!
Don't torment the harp like that and confuse it with a drunken husband!
Play as pianissimo as if I were dead!
I know you all hate me. Now think about how I should treat you?
I have no place in the same music as you!
Second trombone, I want to wish you to play like this at your funeral!
What kind of New Orleans are you talking about here? Did you have blacks in your family?
If you think that a symphony orchestra differs from a tavern orchestra only in that it has more labukhs, you are very mistaken!
Try blowing on your own! I have the impression that they didn’t explain to you in music school the direction of air flow in a mouthpiece!
I will ask you to die for these eight bars, without even breathing!
If I had my way, I would use this stick so that your air passage in the body would be restored!
I will ask the scribes to write a larger batch for idiots!
I promise you employment in the underground passage, and I will personally negotiate with the cops and bandits so that they don’t touch you. But I can’t vouch for passers-by.
Instead of a saxophone, you should have a Druzhba chainsaw in your hands. Same sound, more money!
You have very beautiful, strong hands. Put down the instrument and strangle yourself with it, don’t mock the music!
When you come home, convey my condolences to your wife. How can you sleep with such an irregular person?
You play it all so familiarly, as if you were drinking with Prokofiev in person!
Tell me, aren't you ashamed? It would be better if you ruined the air than this wonderful place in the adagio!
I stop all ceremonies and from today I will begin to teach you to love, if not me, then at least music!
After each such concert, you must go to church and ask God for forgiveness. And don’t forget to donate to the temple