Funny, cool statuses. The funniest statuses for social networks, funny and funny quotes! Very funny statuses
We offer you Very funny statuses which are collected in this collection. They are ideal for ICQ, QUIP, mail agent, contact and others social networks. We have selected funny aphorisms and statuses for social networks that are positive. You can copy them to your profile for free. Also, these phrases are ideal for raising the mood of both yourself and your friends and acquaintances.
A well-fed bear attacked a Russian tourist and simply yelled at him.
These French - strange people, the elections are less than a week away, and they still don’t know who their president will be.
You can’t be fluffy for everyone - they’ll steal you for their collars!
What do people do when their lights are turned off? That's right, they look out the window to see which houses have had their electricity cut off!
What are you doing? - I paint - And with what? - GOUACHA, SOMETHING ELSE!
- I caught viruses here - Did you install an antivirus? - I installed it, but it was torn -
If you don't know how to love, sit and be friends.
The dog, a bull terrier, went missing. Who has found the kingdom of heaven?
How can I get to heaven if 5 and 7 deadly sins are my hobby?
— You probably have such beautiful photographs. good camera you! -Your borscht is so delicious. They must be great pots!
Dogs running after cars are the souls of fired traffic cops!
Tonight the thermometer knocked on my window and asked to be let into the house.
Americans will never understand the Russian phrase: “No, probably not—”
- Girls, give me a lighter. - We don’t smoke - Yes! and don't drink? - We don’t drink. - Well, you give it!!! - And we don’t give it!!!
If you constantly hear someone’s breathing, groans, or feel someone’s heavy gaze on you, then give your grandmother a place.
A boy was found in the jungle, raised by a herd of elephants. You should see what he does with logs without hands!
In our family, I buy groceries one day, and the wife the next. Here it comes: we drink a day, we snack a day -
Only in our country can laughter come from an overturned car.
Stuffy nose. Now I don’t know which socks are clean -
My grandfather, to find out what time it is, it shines at night mobile phone for your watch.
Valya cheated on her husband completely, and even cooked horns for dinner.
I'm downloading Gogol's book. Below is the inscription: if you want to help the author, buy this book.
Lucky people step on the rake from the other side.
Where can I get a license to drive an armored personnel carrier? - Lord, just ride! Who will stop you?!
I want it to be like in “Masha and the Bear”: I’m so small, impudent and annoying, he’s big, strong, protects me, endures everything, forgives and will always be there...
A big hello to the people who call on January 1st at 6:00 pm.
I understood Shrek’s moral: it doesn’t matter what you look like - the main thing is to find yourself a freak like yourself.
- Darling, look what a beautiful day! -What are you hinting at? “You yourself said that you would leave me one fine day.”
The main question every morning: why didn’t I go to bed early yesterday?
We don't step on rakes, we jump on them joyfully!
Smart thoughts come when all the stupid things have already been done!!!
Girls, if you are sitting in the subway, and opposite a charming young man does not take his eyes off you - Relax, there is just a subway map behind you!
If she’s angry and leaves, don’t follow her, most likely she went to get an axe.
15 years have passed since school and 10 since graduating from university, and every Sunday evening I get this feeling that I have classes tomorrow, but homework I did not do.
Many thanks to the designers of Gazelle Business. Now the gear lever does not touch your knee! Well done boys!
My grandmother can write SMS. Her friends in the yard call her a witch.
In Uryupinsk, the only person who can afford to ride a jaguar is the zookeeper.
Some people claim that they made it to the top, but in reality they just floated up there.
A ninety-year-old optimist buys shirts to grow.
The masochist Vasily was bitten by a mosquito: a trifle, but pleasant.
Fear pulls you back, curiosity pushes you forward, pride stops you. And only common sense nervously marks time, swearing...
I called my husband. I ask: “Do you love me very much?” Answer: - Buy it. This is what real marital understanding means!
- You know, Vitya, I love you. - Soooo, guys, we don’t pour any more for Lyokha!
I forgot to turn off the iron at home! -Now everything will burn out? -No, damn it, everything will be fine
Fear is when a tram crashed into a Lamborghini and disappeared into the courtyards!
If the third blade in the machine shaves even cleaner, then why are the first two needed?
A joke is a pile, a stake, fixed in the ground (for a pier, a tether). The boat is laid up. The vessel is moored (also translated: does not go sailing, is moored). * When laid up, someone or something (colloquial) is inactive, not in use, not working. || adj. cool, -aya, -oe. (Explanatory dictionary of the Russian language (Ozhegov S., Shvedova N.) So, our cool statuses are about something completely different...
Life is rich in surprises...Did your boyfriend leave you? Here's a burdock! You have 200 such applicants on VKontakte!
Why doesn’t my contact have a status in “passive search”? I kind of want to, but I’m too lazy to look
At times I want to give up on everything. Then I remember that I don’t do shit anyway.
Jews are the most optimistic people in the world; they don’t yet know how big they will grow, but they are already cutting them off.
We can suppress pain, tears, anger, love... But we cannot contain the wild laugh...
Who said that man makes himself with my own hands? First of all, not by myself. Secondly, not your own. And thirdly, not with your hands.
A person experiences the most unpleasant moments in his life due to his own inattention. For example, he notices the lack of paper in the toilet not when he enters, but when he is about to leave.
Sociological studies show that everyone who sits on a hedgehog immediately starts thinking about their ass, and no one thinks about the hedgehog.
A glass of champagne transforms Elena Beautiful, to Elena To my wisdom, two glasses for cool Elena, and three glasses for the frog traveler.
Look at your mouse now. If it is clean, then you are a woman. And if it’s dirty, then to hell with it.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and think - oh, the middle of the night.
Only 1% of the population believes that a label on clothes is used to know how to care for this item: wash, iron, etc. The remaining 99% determine by it where the back is and where the front is.
Even the most independent person loves having her back rubbed in the bathroom.
My head works like a clock, but sometimes the cuckoo pops up.
Homeless Vitya demands to be called Viktor because he recently ate a frog.
A complete fool - these are two reasons why guys don't pay attention to her.
Remember a simple rule of the Russian language: The word “sorry” is said when they want to do something nasty. And the word “sorry” is when this nasty thing has already been done.
It doesn’t matter if you take a kitten or a man into your home! For six months, a cute little pug, and then a cunning, arrogant fellow!
Not everything beautiful can be rationally conveyed in words. It happens that you like it madly, but it comes out of your mouth: “fuck!”
All instructions in Russian must begin with the words: “Well, you idiot, have you already broken it?”
I haven’t said, “Go to hell!” for a long time now. I say: “Everyone stay in their places!”
If a girl asks you to leave her alone, leave her alone. Just don't leave her alone under any circumstances! In short, good luck to you, brother.
Worms always whine that they live in the ass. This is a biography. Only outside the ass they are not viable. This is biology.
Today I went to bed at 22-00. It's already 3-10, and I still can't get enough of the fact that I went to bed so early!
You can't tell a boring person that he is boring, otherwise he will start to find out why, and this is so boring.
My cat is like a Hachiko. And also zhratiko, sratiko and ssatiko, spatiko, oratiko, and it’s impossible to sleep at night.
There is an opinion that cats and training are incompatible concepts. Nothing like that, my cat trained me in a couple of days.
Hello, my name is Slavik. - Very nice! - It's not for long.
It seems to me that in the status: “I want to understand a woman,” the word “understand” is superfluous.
I immediately realized that nothing would work out with him when in a cafe I ordered cognac for myself, and he ordered ice cream...
We only live once! And even that is not enough. And not like that... And not there... And not then...
Statuses about yourself beloved (beloved)
Love for others comes and goes. Self-love - sits down and sits.
I was born to turn money into dust...
It's hard to understand, hard to calm me down and impossible to explain anything.
I want to learn to admit my mistakes. Although, who am I kidding, what mistakes could I make?
It’s unlikely that I’ll improve with age... I live easily, I don’t give a damn! I appreciate people who like me! I appreciate them for their good taste!
It's good where I'm not. But I'm on my way.
I am often confused with God - they say: “Lord, you again?!”
No matter how much bad things they say about me, I always have something to add. 101
Nothing limits your actions like the phrase “do what you want”... 80
Guys get jealous when they love you. Girls are jealous even when they don't love you. 71
Can't find an approach to me? Go around! 200 - cool statuses
Comrade, let’s go check out the cash... 21
Nothing strengthens faith in a person more than 100% prepayment. 31
If you know exactly who is to blame, don’t give yourself away. 48
I'm going with eyes closed and a smile from ear to ear, towards future happiness, through a field of rakes... 97
From the statement: “How do I feel…” Crossed out. “How I did you all...” Crossed out. “Yes, you all should go to...” Crossed out. “Please grant me another vacation.” 32
Dear Money! I miss you very much. I promise to buy you a new wallet. If you want, you can invite your relatives from Europe or America - I won’t object. I will accept everyone! 41
I want chronic health, progressive happiness, recurring success, a hypertensive salary, and an eternally pregnant wallet without the threat of miscarriage!))) 39
The best way to test a guy’s fidelity is to ask the sleeping person in the morning the question: “Will you go to yours or will you stay with me?” 67
According to statistics, the phrase “How huge he is!” Most often heard by a spider. 65
Briefly about yourself: Year of manufacture 1991, Mileage 20, Light color, Height 162, Lights blue, Documents on hand, Tuning present, Body not damaged, not rusty, Roof in place, but no brakes. All options, I start with half a turn. 54
You can't look in the mirror when you eat - you'll eat away your happiness. And when you drink, you drink. And it’s better not to hang a mirror in the toilet at all... 62
Sex is when he wants, erotica is when she wants, porn is when both want. 48
If you don't have the money to change your wardrobe, change your job! For the new team, all your old clothes are new. 41
Flowers should be for no reason... Happiness should be unique... The house should be warm... The weather - and it doesn’t matter what the weather is! But love should be mutual. 46
All people bring happiness - some by their presence, others by their absence) 69
What would I give to a person who has everything? I would punch him in the jaw. 19
If men knew what women were thinking, they would court twenty times more boldly. 46
Only nesting dolls can live soul to soul. 65
I need to call my mom and tell her where I am. - Hello, mom? Where I am? 44
The little boy was watching porn. I didn’t understand the movie, but I was sweating a lot. 31
The main thing is that they are waiting for you at home, and not waiting for you 61
Chocolate tastes twice as good if you can’t have it) 40
The Lord protects us all. But the shelf life is different for everyone. 46
I am protected by the great ancient Egyptian god of peace and tranquility - DANUNAH. 75
Every day those around me prove to me that life without a brain is real. 61
No one will die a virgin: life will fuck us all. 34
I refuse to leave from under the blanket into this cruel world.
Honey, are you cooking something, or has the cat shit somewhere again?
Yes, I make a lot of mistakes. Life, unfortunately, is without instructions.
Well, they gave you a rose, so why take pictures with it for three albums in VKontakte?!
I moved the sofa to another wall because there is an outlet there. Added “interior specialist” to my resume.
As my husband says... No matter what my wife enjoys, as long as she doesn’t invite her girlfriends to drink.
If I can't sleep, I usually eat.
He came to tell me two news: bad and good. I didn’t get a good one...
If your grandmother says that you look great, it means you urgently need to lose weight.
I’m sitting, watching TV, drinking beer, eating chips, playing with the cat with my foot, and my wife says that I’m not doing anything!
I'm like a convertible, so cool, but there's no roof!
Nothing confuses a woman more than asking her to briefly tell you about herself.
Elena Malysheva said in her program that you need to drink two liters of liquid a day. I tried it yesterday... The hangover is terrible!
Yesterday I bought a British kitten, and my husband turns out to be allergic to it. Maybe someone will take it? He is handsome... He is 185 cm tall, dark-haired, works as a car mechanic.
I don’t understand what I like more, picking mushrooms, or just walking slowly autumn forest with a knife in his hand.
cats say the best remedy to relieve stress, but it’s true, if you kick an asshole, you’ll immediately feel better!
Sometimes they invite you to join groups, sometimes they invite you to games... They would take it, but they would invite you to a barbecue!
Yesterday I walked through the city with a brick in my hands and a smile on my face - even trams gave way. Smile at people and they will become kinder!
What do I care about snow, what do I care about heat, what do I care about torrential rain when I go on a binge!
I prepared dinner... I’m afraid to try it myself, I feel sorry for the cat... I’m waiting for my husband...
Drivers! Always let people with a white cane pass - they don't see well! Let people with a selfie stick go even more so - they don’t see shit at all!
Today I showed it to my grandmother on VKontakte. Now my grandmother thinks that I am somehow connected with the FSB.
All life is nothing, all women are ladies, and the sun is a ball of light!
Perhaps the funniest statuses on the website Statuses-Tut.ru! When you want to amuse your friends, look at Statuses-Here and you will find funny statuses for classmates, in contact or for other social networks. The main thing is not to lose heart, because you can always find positive statuses, thanks to which you will cheer up those around you, and gray everyday life suddenly they will sparkle with new colors. Our most funny statuses will help make any princess Nesmeyana laugh, and now she is already laughing with you, and together you read laughing statuses for classmates on Statuses-Tut.ru! This is not surprising, because laughter, jokes, a positive and cheerful attitude prolong life, help maintain good relations and make it easier to see the world. Our funniest statuses about everything and everyone will give you the opportunity to stand out from the crowd of gloomy and dissatisfied Internet users. Funny quotes and sayings will definitely cheer up everyone who is lucky enough to see them. The funniest statuses are here! Let's choose a status together!