Cool sayings, sayings about life. Funny humorous thoughts and laconic anecdotes

It is impossible to imagine our life without laughter and smiles, without humor and fun. Therefore, from time to time, each of us needs to step away from everyday worries, relax and have at least a little fun. Cool phrases And funny sayings- a sure wonderful remedy for quick recovery Have a good mood. Cool phrases and statuses are very popular because they describe exciting moments in the lives of many people in a humorous way. They will help you amaze your interlocutors with your wit, as well as amuse your friends, colleagues, bored company or guests at a holiday party. Cool expressions can also be useful to “defuse” a tense situation or in awkward situations when you need to correct your mistake.
There are many wonderful funny phrases and expressions. I tried to select the best, coolest “phrases” that, in my opinion, deserve the most attention. Read, and let no one be left without a smile!

My character, of course, is not sugar, but I was not created to be added to tea!
If I ever die because of a man, it will be from laughing.
I'm neither good nor bad. I am kind with an evil stripe!
I only have one life and I can't afford to be unhappy!
I thought I was special, but it turned out I was better than everyone else...
It’s not enough to know your worth—you also need to be in demand.
What it is, you can’t put it back!!!
So what if the wind is in my head, but my thoughts are always fresh...
Where have you seen a cat that cares what mice say about it?
If you spit in my back, it means I'm ahead of you!
Don't tell me what to do and I won't tell you where to go!
If you want me to be an angel, organize heaven for me!
My life my rules. If you don't like my rules, don't interfere in my life.
Not noticed in vicious relationships... Wasn’t it? No... Not noticed!
You need to live in such a way that others experience depression!
When will they learn to put light into women's handbags?! I really need it!!!
We are strong women: we will take out the trash and brains if necessary!
I'm losing weight on three diets! (I can’t get enough of two...)
He eats - I cook, he wears - I wash, he scatters - I clean. And what would I do without him...
Women's folk pastime: I came up with it myself, I was offended myself.
I’m like champagne: I can be playful, but I can also hit you in the head...
I really want to be a weak woman, but, as luck would have it, the horses are galloping, the huts are on fire...
Sometimes my husband shudders from me... Still, I am an amazing woman!!!
The girls are standing on the sidelines, fiddling with handkerchiefs in their hands... Because for every ten girls, according to statistics: 1 is gay, 4 are alcoholics, 2 are divorced, 2 are drug addicts and 1 is normal, but he is married...
What is the difference between fake love and real love? Fake: “I like the snowflakes on your hair!” The real one: “Fool, why without a hat?”
If a woman has sparkles in her eyes, it means the cockroaches in her head are celebrating something.
- How to drive a girl crazy?
- Give her a lot of money and close all the stores!
Men, let's do the laundry, clean, cook, iron... and we want you!
I really want to cuddle up to someone, put my lips to my ear and whisper...: “Give me money!”
Sometimes I open my closet, look at it for a long time and realize that I’m keeping two-thirds of my clothes in case I go crazy.
Classical women's wardrobe: Nothing to wear. There is nowhere to hang it. It would be a shame to throw it away... And there is also a section “Suddenly I’ll lose weight”...
You need to smile so widely that problems stumble over your smile!
An optimist is a person who, even having fallen face first into the mud, is sure that it is healing!
Girls, who wanted to lose weight by spring?.. It’s too late to rush around, let’s take it with charm!
This morning, while I was putting on makeup, I fainted 5 times from my beauty...
Previously, I lived alone and all my things were lying haphazardly in their places, but now I’m married and all my things are neatly and beautifully lying in an unknown place...
I want fate to take me by the hair and head straight into happiness, happiness, happiness.
A woman should be loved, happy, beautiful! And she doesn’t owe anyone anything anymore!!!
The smartest plant is the horseradish: it knows everything...
Now I live only by this principle: whoever wants it will come, whoever needs it will call, whoever is bored will find it! And who cares, those don’t care!
All men are bastards! They all only need one thing! But why, why not from me-me-me?!
I would send you, but I can see you from there!
Women are not interested in wimps only if those wimps are men.
If you think that life is wonderful, then the antidepressants are chosen correctly.
If there are nails on the feet, then there should be hands on the hands, and animals generally have bast shoes!
There is nothing better in the world than creaking your bed until dawn!
Judging by the way life fucks me, I'm sexy as fuck!
The robbers demand your purse or your life, the women demand both.
Never do evil out of spite! Nasty things must come from the heart!
How smarter woman, the more refined and varied she blows her man away!
Any dirty trick can be put to proper use if there is a desire...
Queens are never upset. When they are sad, they simply execute someone...
The weaker sex is stronger than the stronger sex due to the weakness of the stronger sex towards the weaker.
Long live split personality - the shortest path to mental balance!
Our spring is late, our summer is delayed... And autumn, the bastard, is punctual!
I’m a woman—evil comes as standard!
Don't you want to be nice? - Let's remove the Vaseline!
I am a creative woman. I want - I create, I want - I create...
With a teaspoon in my pocket, with a bald cactus in my hand, I’m going to scare the old woman who lives in the attic, I’ll poke him with a spoon, I’ll order him to sit on the cactus... I’m a bit of a fool - I have a certificate!..
Vasilisa was a magician... If she waves her right sleeve - a lake... If she waves her left sleeve - swans... She waves another 200 grams - and the hallucinations are more complicated...
Happiness is when you have a doctor, a cop, a lawyer and a killer among your friends. Immediately life becomes somehow easier...
There are people who are like a drug—you know you can’t, but you’re drawn to it. And there are people like cake - sweet, tasty, but sickening...
I want to be like a bear: to eat in the summer and hibernate in the winter. And I lost weight, and slept well, and didn’t see frost!
Santa Claus, whole year I behaved well...and now can I kill someone???
Caught goldfish. She listened to me very carefully and said: “Fry!”
And they carry me away, and carry me away, into the colored ringing crap, three white horses, two red elephants, a penguin, a hippopotamus and a deer.
What doesn’t kill us, we regret it very much later.
I am the air. Don't try to hold it back. Breathe while I let myself breathe...
My beloved told me: “You are evil in the flesh!” Well, I'll implement it. I'm very obedient. And if for some reason he needs it, then how can I ignore the request!
I’m a very good cook... I can cook noodles... Brew porridge... Add oil... In general, I’m a clever wizard.
"Baby, I love you!" — excellent status! And all the suns are pleasant, and you won’t get burned...
- You need to treat a girl carefully, like a Christmas tree.
— Knock it out and take it home?
— Strangers make comments to my child! How to react?
— Teach your child magic spell: “My mother teaches me that not every value judgment should serve as a behavior modifier.” When pronounced with clear diction and confident, benevolent intonation, it acts similarly to the spell: “Petrify!” And more reliably. Although not for long. But without dangerous side effects.
You begin to understand that everything is really bad when the person who usually calms everyone down cries...
As my grandmother used to say, it’s better to shoot, reload and shoot again than to shine a flashlight and ask “who’s there?”
In any situation, say “everything is going according to plan” - you never know what kind of fucking plan you have.
Sometimes it becomes so cool that something that was once so important has become so irrelevant...
And I will leave without noticing any offense.
Chewing a chocolate candy.
And may the evil horse love you,
And not a sunshine like me.
“Darling, is it true that I’m your only one?”
- Have you all come to an agreement today, or what!?
A woman, like fire, should not be left unattended. Either it will go out, or it will burn everything to hell!!!
Alcohol does not help you find the answer, it helps you forget the question...
Darling, you insist so much on our relationship with you... I don’t understand, you have nervous system made of reinforced concrete or lifelong reservation in a madhouse?
Sometimes you think: this is happiness! But no, damn it, experience again...
You drown a person, and it seems so sad, but then bubbles appear, so good, and your heart rejoices.
It’s easy to understand women’s logic; just learn how to play billiards with cubes.
You only need to sort things out with those with whom you have these relationships. The rest - why don't they go to the shore of silence, collect shells...
Happiness is when the previous shit is already over, and the next one has not yet begun.
Cockroaches in the head are still normal. The problem is when the squirrel starts chasing them out...
A black cat crossing your path means that the animal is going somewhere. Don't complicate things!..
You need to return to the woman as quickly as possible. So quickly that she doesn’t have time to understand that she’s fine without you.
If you love it, set it free. If he doesn't come back, track him down and kill him.
There are a lot of other people's nerves in the world - there's no point in worrying about your own!
I bought cockroach chalk! Now it’s quiet and calm in my head... they sit, draw...
You'll send someone rashly. And in your soul you worry: did you get there?... didn’t you get there?...
- Who are you?
— Kind fairy!
- Why with an axe?
- Yes, the mood is not very good...
She got up on the wrong foot, sat on the wrong broom and generally flew in the wrong direction...
Give me wings, otherwise the broom will leave splinters all over my ass!
In general, I love raspberry pies. Of course, they don’t reciprocate, but they don’t behave like bastards either!
— What will you order?
- I, please, have nerves, intelligence, calmness and s*zma... Yes, more s*zma, please.
Don't be a cheapskate - give the person a second chance. Don't be an idiot - never give a third.
Nerves are in shock, brains are in a trance, and logic has completely gone and shot itself.
If my mother taught me to be cultured, this does not mean that I will not kick you in the eye, as my father taught me!
A realist is someone who doesn't care whether the glass is half full or half empty. For him, what's in the glass is more important.
No matter what the rake teaches, the heart believes in miracles...
It's amazing how much some people enjoy romantic walks along the rake.
If you constantly step on the same rake, then it’s a fucking rake!
Smile more often - and the thicket will smile at you!
Yes, I'm not an angel, but flying on a broom is faster.
Everyone thinks that every girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. No matter how it is! Our dream is to eat and not gain weight!
All women are angels, but if you cut their wings, they start flying on a broom.
A man should be able to do two things: set fire to huts and scare horses, so that his woman has something to do and not blow his brains out.
...and yet it is IMPORTANT that the butterflies in the stomach come to an agreement with the cockroaches in the head!
Yesterday, it seemed, I had gained my wits... Today I woke up - but no, I just gained my wits...
I don’t promise to lead you to sin, but I will…
There’s no need to offend me, I’m a vulnerable girl, the first thing brings me to tears... And then teary eyes it’s so difficult to understand who the shovel hit...
This morning they showed such horrors in the mirror...
I don't drink flowers or sweets!
- Girl, why haven’t we met yet?
- God will take care of you, stupid creature...
I have no excess weight. I have it as a spare.
Female philologist: bright multiple sarcasms on the first date.
While men, being boys, play war games and cars, women, being girls, immediately prepare to manipulate people and play with dolls.
It’s better to be a beloved mischief than to be a perfection that no one needs.
Listen to the voice of reason... Do you hear? Do you hear what crap he is talking about?!
For a woman to go to bed with a man, she needs a feeling of closeness, trust and a strong connection. A man's place is mainly...
Squirrels eat snow. What are you doing to make winter end?
People who helped spring and ate snow, why did you also eat asphalt?
A glassblower accidentally sneezed at work and created a new vase for the Ikea store.
If things don't go the way you want, it's not your business, let them pass by.
Don't know how to relieve stress? Don't wear it!!!
It is incorrect to say “the toad is strangling.” It should be like this: “amphibiotropic asphyxia happened to me”
Koala macaque dipped in cocoa. The koala lazily lapped cocoa...
Squirrels in gaiters poke around cedar kernels in the depths of the tundra. In the depths of the tundra, otters in gaiters are digging for cedar kernels in buckets! Having torn out the gaiters from an otter in the tundra, wipe the cedar kernels with the otter, wipe the otter's face with the gaiters - the kernels into buckets, the otter into the tundra.
Having washed the leg warmers in the swamp, put the kernels in buckets, the otters and the squirrels in an embrace quietly finished the jar... While finishing the moonshine, the otters danced a jig, the squirrels tried on the leg warmers, muttering that they had seen a worse holiday in the tundra.
I speak English with only a dictionary, but I’m still shy with people...
When sliding under the table, do not forget to politely say goodbye to your guests.
There is a genius sleeping within each of us. And every day it gets stronger and stronger...
I don’t know what you’re taking for your head, but it’s clearly not helping you!
Sorry, I'm saying when you interrupt…
A beautiful woman pleases the male gaze, an ugly woman pleases the female gaze!
There are no perpetual motion machines in the world, but there are plenty of perpetual brakes!
Take care of your homeland! Vacation abroad!
I'm constantly being followed smart thoughts, but I find myself faster...
Everyone is spoiled to the best of their ability.
If a gentleman says to a lady, “I understand you perfectly,” he means, “You talk twice as much as you need to”!
If you leave your husband correctly, he will definitely return... like a boomerang.
If you want to bring a person to sclerosis, give him a loan.
Looking at how some accumulate good, others begin to accumulate evil.
There are so many interesting things in this life and so few people are interested.
If you want to marry a smart, beautiful and rich woman, marry three times.
Sclerosis cannot be cured, but you can forget about it.
If you cannot be a star in the sky, at least become a lamp in the house.
A man, even if he could understand what a woman was thinking, would still not believe it.
The best way to organize a panic is to ask everyone to remain calm.
Everyone wants to have a good time, but you won't have one.
Tell me I'm wrong and I'll tell you who you are.
What a pity that you are finally leaving!..
Lost conscience. I ask the finder not to worry and keep it for himself.

“Bagel!.. Bagel!..” - the children shouted joyfully, not suspecting that Kolobok was mortally wounded.

A single man becomes an excellent dumpling critic in 3 years!

Happy birthday! - Thank you. But not a single bastard, except you, thought to congratulate him!

During the day with fire, in the evening - let's heat it up!

I feel like a bridge in St. Petersburg... - How is that?? - I, too, am constantly being scammed...

I finally got all the cockroaches out! - Yes, but how? - Turned the lights on and off in the kitchen every 2 seconds. They died from the shuttle run.

It's not the drunk who falls, but the one who doesn't get up.

A homing pigeon caught in an airplane turbine played the mailbox.

I'm not very good in bed, but in the bushes I have no equal.

Fast! Cheap! Qualitatively! Choose any two!

The landscape was a failure, sighed Kazemir Malevich, taking up the black paint.

Much has not been done yet. But laziness is enough for everything...

Mom, why do I have neither a first nor a last name, but only a nickname? - Don't bark!

Darling, which women do you like best? Smart or beautiful? Not those, not others, I like people like you, dear!

Watch funny humorous thoughts and laconic anecdotes

Are you tired of seeing bacteria on the toilet rim? Imagine what THEY see every day!

My heart bleeds when I see these animals preserved in alcohol! - What are you talking about, Lyokh, there are only two frogs... - That’s right - two frogs. And there are ten liters of alcohol!

It’s an art to get gum out of your pocket unnoticed when you’re walking with a group!

The distillery urgently needs a loader without a mouth.

I forgot the name... something like “I don’t know where the hair dryer is”... - Ibuprofen?

Sex on the drum.

Do you remember, I ran around the apartment shouting joyfully: - Hurray! Finally found this obnoxious bra! - Uh-huh... - Didn’t you see where I put it after that?

Only our people are capable of looking for 5* hotels abroad, but certainly with free Wi-Fi.

Selfless funny humorous thoughts and laconic anecdotes

No cat will be the first to enter an apartment purchased with a mortgage.

I don't trust camels. And in general, anyone who can go a whole week without drinking.

Modern artists are Photoshoppers. Modern writers- bloggers. Modern musicians are DJs.

I'll quickly and accurately take any test...

Remember, daughter: if you don’t learn to fake a migraine, you’ll have to fake an orgasm.

How New Year If you meet him, you will see him through! - ??? - You'll eat at night.

I have to confess to you: I don’t know how to cook! - Darling, you won’t have to cook, since I don’t know how to earn money...

A person's morality is visible in his attitude to the word.

People love to make mountains out of molehills, but some manage to make a whole zoo out of molehills. And most personal elephants are flies treated with personal cockroaches.

I brought tea for everyone. Where is everyone???

Since it was mainly men who could write, all the misfortunes in the world were attributed to women.

Innovative funny humorous thoughts and laconic anecdotes

I’m quite confident in myself and I don’t need a bright image. Let those who slander me know: I am much worse!

What kind of coffee do you prefer? - I prefer masculine coffee!

I went on reconnaissance in force. Came back gay.

From a job application. Previous place of work: "Shops of Joy". Reason for dismissal: Not happy.

Are you sexually active? - No, doctor, not even once! But one day I went to the toilet, accidentally sat on a bush and lost my virginity. - Tell the bush that you are on the 2nd month...

Young man, I feel much younger...

“A holy place is never empty,” said Volodya Semyonov and continued to look for the treasure under the church.

Eyes in a bunch - we are powerful!

“I attacked the wrong one,” a boy in braces shouted to the bitten dog.

Just 10 years ago my computer was three times weaker than my current mobile phone...

I only get good sleep when I never.

Yesterday, in order to fall asleep, instead of sheep, I counted the dresses hanging in my closet. I counted fifteen dresses and one sheep that didn’t wear them.

Outstanding representatives of humanity, in order to express their opinion with their help and give it greater weight. And it doesn’t matter whether the author’s name is known or whether the aphorism belongs to folk wisdom. They are particularly successful because they help not only to express your attitude towards something, but also to show off your sense of humor.

Men about women

With the advent social networks started on the Internet real battle floors Women are looking for interesting statuses to show their attitude towards the universe and men in particular. And the stronger sex uses funny statements as a weapon to resist this.

Women's funny sayings

The better half of humanity is also great at manipulating aphorisms. With their help, women can both laugh at themselves and point out to men their mistakes.

Real men don't shy away - they doubt.
When eagles are silent, parrots chatter.
It is easy to say “I will die for you” when there is no need for such a sacrifice.
Women never lie! It’s just that at first they have a girlish memory, and then sclerosis.
With a good wife, a man can become a man.
Funny sayings about blondes are written by scary brunettes on lonely evenings.
If fate hits you in the forehead, then the kick in the ass didn’t work.
It's better to be a young grandmother than an old girl.
The truth should be presented carefully, like a dish of original cuisine, and not dumped out like fresh fish on Privoz.
Women's friendship is only a suspension of hostilities.
It’s nothing, there’s a wind in my head, but the ideas are always fresh.
Some men resemble clouds when they go to become lighter.
My preferences are simple - I am satisfied with the best.
The only medicine that brings more benefit to a woman than harm is a new dress.

Funny aphorisms and statements on general topics

Pearls of the mighty of this world

It happens that an absurd, funny statement that once escaped from the lips of a politician is remembered more than his entire activity.

We have enough people who, as they say, are not on friendly terms with their heads.
As they say, touch with your own eyes and see with your own hands.
I approached people from your Cabinet of Ministers and asked what their specialty was. It turned out that somewhere a gynecologist works, somewhere a plumber works. (V. Yanukovych).

Condoleezza Rice is the same ordinary girl from Texas, like me.
As a child, I dreamed of becoming an astronaut, but I had to study a lot, so I became president.
Only we, the great American people, could send a lunar rover to Mars! (George W. Bush).