How to stop depending on the opinions of others. You are clearly not a telepath

No matter how independent we are, the opinions of others are still important to us. This opinion can greatly influence our lives if we pay a lot of attention to it. Human nature is such that we want to be loved and respected. But is it worth constantly looking at everyone for this? The main thing to remember is that you shouldn’t worry about what others think and fill your head with thoughts about it. Nobody says that you need to give up on everything and do whatever you want. Listen to the opinions of people important to you, think about it, and only then decide what to do. After all, your family is not always right either. If you still cannot get rid of the oppression of public opinion and censure, then let's develop a mindset that will help you get rid of it.

People don't pay attention to you as often as you think

The people around you, for the most part, are passionate about their own affairs and concerns. They have their own life, which worries them much more than yours. If your interests and views intersect in some area, then this does not happen as often as you think. Just think, do you often pay attention to what those around you are wearing? Is their shirt dirty? Did a girl passing by have a puff on her tights? I'm willing to bet that you either don't think about it at all or spend no more than a couple of minutes on it. So those around you do the same.

It shouldn't worry you

What others think about you is their business. This should not concern you in any way. Even if you find out someone else's opinion about yourself, it still will not make you a different person and will not change your life, in most cases. The opinions of others can influence you only when you allow this opinion to become decisive in your life. But this shouldn’t happen. You can't control the opinions of others, so don't pay so much attention to them and focus on yourself.

You are unique like no other

Remember this once and for all. Don't adapt to those around you. As soon as you let this house of advice into your head, you cease to be yourself. Only there are a lot of people around you, and you are alone. You won't be nice to everyone. And, in pursuit of society, you will give birth to Frankenstein, which everyone likes at least a little.

Instead, just be yourself and remember that you are the only one in the whole world. You won't find exactly the same one. Cherish your uniqueness. Respect yourself. Then those around you will begin to respect you.

Why do you still listen to them?

Would your life change much if someone disagreed with you or said you were saying something wrong? Are you willing to change every time someone says you're doing it all wrong? I think no. The next time you become very sensitive to the opinions of others, just think about whether it will be just as important in a week. If a remark in your direction worries you for no more than an hour, then it’s all empty.

You are clearly not a telepath

If you don't have any superpowers and the magic ball doesn't show you anything, then you hardly know what people are thinking about. If you are an ordinary person, how do you know what is going on in the minds of those around you? The only problem is that you believe that all the thoughts of people around you are fixated only on you. Selfish and smacks of something unhealthy, don’t you think? You should not worry about the opinions of others until you have learned to read their thoughts.

Be honest with yourself and live in the present.

It's up to you how you feel every day. Do you want to experience constant fear and anxiety from the thought that society will not approve of your action? Stop thinking about it. Don't worry about whether someone has reprimanded you in the past or that people will think badly of you. Live here and now and don't look around. Breathe deeply and do not forget that only you are responsible for your thoughts and actions. This is the only way you can be happy. Only in this way will you understand that every person has their own opinion and only you can choose whether it will affect you or not.

Surround yourself with people who will accept you

It's just wonderful when you have friends who agree with you and will support you in any endeavor, even if your family is against it. Remember that to maintain physical and spiritual health, you must choose: either give up your dreams on the advice of others, or surround yourself with people who can inspire you to find your path.

People around you are also concerned about public opinion

You are not paranoid and you are not the only one. People around you also care what people think of them. So the next time someone criticizes you, put yourself in their shoes. Perhaps you did something that this person has long dreamed of and did not dare to do. And now they just want to bring you back to earth. Remember this, and then it will become easier for you to endure criticism and understand the motives of the actions of others.

Just be yourself. Be honest with yourself and admit that you are surrounded by people just like you. They also have problems, they also worry about criticism, they are not perfect either. There are no perfect people who never make mistakes. It’s just that someone, once he stumbles, stops for the rest of his life, and someone, having stepped over his mistake, follows his dream. Let public opinion not become a stopper in your development, and you will still show this world where crayfish spend the winter.

Are you dependent on the opinions of others?

Good day to you, dear readers! Perhaps many people have one strange and illogical quality - other people’s opinions are important to them. Other people's approval is important. It's important to please everyone. And you can’t even imagine how this quality complicates life!

This global belief “I need the approval of others” is embedded very deeply in us. And the more we believe in it, the heavier our load. Pointless cargo! How not to depend on the opinions of others?

What's bad about it?

There's nothing wrong with liking someone. But if you try to please someone, if you need approval, you put yourself in chains.

The thirst for approval causes something like the following in a person:

• we do not accept that part of ourselves that others may not like, we increase internal conflict, we move away from ourselves instead of studying;
• we don't allow ourselves to be sincere. We cannot build sincere relationships. We’re just trying to present ourselves better. In such relationships there is little intimacy, little joy;
• we can do something to our detriment for the approval of others;
• we are ready to neglect our values ​​for the sake of others;
• we cannot stand criticism, we become very touchy;
• we spend too much energy communicating with strangers;
• we carry with us the fear of not being liked by another person, the burden of disappointments and unfulfilled hopes;
• since it is very difficult to please everyone all the time, your self-esteem is always under attack;
• you make your happiness dependent on other people.

Of course, some people have a stronger desire for approval, while others have a weaker one. And all these symptoms may or may not be vivid. But in any case, these are unpleasant symptoms.

People often come to me with similar requests. Therefore, I want to offer you one of the good options for working on this topic, to show how you can let go of this belief on your own. It’s not a fact that it will go away completely, but at least it should get easier!

Removing false belief

So, first answer this question: why is it important for you to be approved? Why do you need to please everyone?

One way or another, you will come to the conclusion that this is necessary to be happy. We all ultimately want to be happy. And for example, I’ll take the belief “I need the approval of others to be happy.” You can change this phrase a little as you want. How do you feel? But I will analyze this particular example as the most illustrative.

Attention! Do not read this article just for information. Read - and do it right away! Don't move on to the second step without working through the first. And so on.

If you first read everything to the end and then decide to do it, this will reduce the effect. To complete the exercise you will need only 5-7 minutes. You can take long breaks between steps. This is fine. But don't start the next step without working on the previous one.

First step

Ask yourself objectively: is this true? Is it true that you need the approval of others to be happy? Is it true that you can't be happy if no one likes you?

Take your time. Think objectively. Let your experience tell you that this is true, but answer yourself honestly... Can you know for sure that happiness is impossible without the approval of others? Can you really know what is the essential element of happiness?

Answer only “yes” or “no”. Without any “buts” and “maybes”. Only “yes” or “no”. And answer honestly, objectively! You want to know the truth, right?

Second step

Now imagine in every detail how you live when you believe this crazy thought, “I need the approval of others to be happy.”

How do you communicate with others when you are craving approval? How do you behave among friends or strangers when you are sure that everyone needs to like you? How do you react to children’s public tantrums, to your appearance, to something else when other people’s approval is important to you?

How do you perceive criticism addressed to you? How do you feel before visiting unfamiliar places and meeting new people? How does this affect your relationships, your self-confidence, your well-being and your happiness?

And what happens if suddenly someone doesn’t like you? What if someone doesn't approve of you? What are you experiencing? How are you behaving? How is your condition changing? How does your bad state affect the rest of your day?

The better you feel this, the more powerful the effect of the exercise will be.

Third step

Now try to imagine how you would live if you didn’t have the thought “I need the approval of others to be happy.” Just try to imagine what it would be like if you didn't have to please everyone. If only I didn't have to earn someone's approval.

Don't try to dismiss this thought. Just imagine. If...

Imagine that you communicate with people, but you do not feel that they need to like you in order to be happy. How would you feel? How would you communicate? Would it be easier for you? Could you become more sincere?

Perhaps, without the thought of needing someone else's approval, communication would give you more joy? Perhaps, without the desire to please others, you would radically change your life, your activities, your principles? Feel it... What would happen if you forgot how to think, “I need the approval of others to be happy”? What if it became as absurd to you as “I need to become president to be happy?”

Would it be easier for you to hear yourself? Love yourself? To be in harmony with yourself?

Imagine if you were disapproved of, but you didn't have the idea that you needed the approval of others to be happy... How would you feel?

Try to feel all this in as much detail as possible... If you didn’t have this crazy thought “I need the approval of others to be happy”... Would your life be easier, freer, more joyful? Would you be happier without wanting to please everyone?

Fourth step

And now that you have really felt all this, not speculatively, but thoroughly realized and felt it... You can draw a logical conclusion.

If you did everything right, you have a good feeling that without the thought “I need the approval of others to be happy,” you would be much happier.

So... Look what happens! You believe in a completely crazy thought that is not true, which ruins your life... But the opposite statement is true! Which one do you think?

“To be happy, I need the disapproval of others” or “To be happy, I need not everyone to like me.”

Once again... You don't need the approval of others to be happy. On the contrary, you will benefit from being disapproved of. And it will be better for you if everyone doesn't like you... Why do you think? Give yourself a minute. Can you explain yourself why everything is this way?

You just felt that when you try to please everyone, you are much more unhappy than when you don't try to please everyone. Because you don’t need the approval of others to be happy. You are much happier when you are in touch with yourself. In order to be happy, you must like yourself. You must love yourself and accept yourself. Can you feel it?

And when you are in touch with yourself, don’t hide your shortcomings, don’t try to please everyone, openly express your position... Someone may not like you. It is impossible to please everyone while remaining yourself! It is impossible to gain the approval of all people without adapting like a chameleon!

And even if you manage to please all people... You will be unhappy, because for this you will have to betray yourself, give up sincerity and think a lot about what impression you will make.

And if you give up the idea of ​​winning everyone's approval, not everyone will like you. Perhaps you will become inconvenient for someone. Sometimes you won't be approved. However... You will be happier.

So I will repeat it again. “To be happy, I need to be liked by everyone around me” is a blatant, absolute lie. This lie prevents you from being happy. But the truth is the opposite. “To be happy, not everyone around me needs to like me. I need to like myself."

Homework

To help you fully understand all of the above, I suggest this exercise. Repeat step three regularly. Visualize how you would live if you didn’t have the idea of ​​earning someone’s approval. And slowly get used to this role. When interacting with people, ask yourself: “What if I didn’t think that other people’s approval would affect my happiness?” And gradually act like this, gradually try it on yourself. This task is not for one day. But it can seriously change the way you perceive other people.

And the most interesting thing... Without the desire to be liked, we can build real relationships. Only there will there be sincere close relationships. And this is so wonderful!

James RAPSON

psychotherapist

Craig ENGLISH

writer

Nice people do everything too much: they adapt too much, they apologize too much. They float through life, adapting and giving in - in an attempt to please everyone. They strive to please others, even if they ignore or insult them. Such people show anxiety in relationships: through dependence, ingratiation, excessive readiness to bend to other people's desires. They are always worried about what others will think of them. And every time they are surprised when they are rejected. Nice people often suffer from feelings of inferiority and fear of inadequacy. They feel like they have to prove their worth and excellence over and over again, and although they may be quite competent in professional and social life, they remain constantly nervous.

Watch yourself

Our primary tool for overcoming anxious attachment is mindfulness practice. Our task is to observe the obsessive thoughts and feelings that arise again and again, and pull them into the light, where they lose their power. At first, awareness increases anxiety. Moreover, we notice that we are still overwhelmed with feelings of unspoken resentment, anger and constant anxiety that we secretly stored inside ourselves. These feelings are so different from the image that we carefully created: nice people not allowed angry or anxious. As children, we learned that negative emotions do not bring us the love we need, and therefore these feelings are not for us. And when such feelings appear, we consider them - and ourselves - bad, disgusting, spoiled, evil. Non-judgmental mindfulness requires that we learn to observe thoughts, feelings, emotions and sensations without dividing them into “bad” and “good”. Only by accepting and carefully examining them will we be able to discover their cause, which means we will be able to change them. The habit of judging runs very deep (sometimes we even condemn our own judgment!), and the practice of mindfulness is dedicated to understanding this habit and getting rid of it. Over time, as we learn to pay attention to self-judgment, it will begin to disappear.

Be alone

People who suffer from anxious attachment usually fear being neglected or abandoned. They will constantly sacrifice their time, energy and self-esteem just to avoid being alone. As a result, they often find themselves in relationships that do not bring them joy, playing roles that are harmful to them, even if these relationships themselves do not give them the feeling of security they are looking for. That is why the conscious choice of solitude is an extremely important experience for a transforming personality. When done with care and compassion, loneliness can be a good laboratory for studying emotions, thoughts, bodily sensations and behavior.

One of the main results of a period of solitude is the development of the “loneliness muscle.” If you practice solitude meaningfully and moderately, you will become increasingly comfortable with it, without worrying about your separation from others. The challenge is learning to love yourself the way a caring parent loves their child: unconditionally, no matter what you discover, and as much as you can. An important part of practicing solitude is to develop specific self-care skills. This can be a difficult task for nice people who have long accepted the fact that addiction is the order of the day.

Understand what you want

“What do I believe? What are my values? How should I live? Nice people avoid these three questions if the answers conflict with their habit of adapting to the needs of others. Our whole life is a constant work on the formation of personal ethics. Any situation that requires a person to make a decision is suitable for this purpose. A nice person in any given case is likely to give in to someone else's desires - not because he always agrees with them, and not because he considers such a choice to be correct, but because he is afraid of being the cause of conflict: he takes risks to lose friendship, love or status. A transforming person in a similar situation will look inward and ask himself, “What do I think is right?” These are the words of a warrior.

Don't suppress aggression

You should understand that aggression is part of your personality. In fact, it is necessary for all living beings. Appreciate the determination and persistence with which a raven attacks bread crumbs, a puppy fights with its brothers, and a three-year-old child tries to get attention. Of course, suppressing aggression does not get rid of the passions that provoke it; aggression simply turns into hidden, passive forms. Transforming people are likely to find that skillfully managing aggression brings a lot of pleasure because it also releases dreams. We finally realize our desires, boldly strive for them and reap the fruits of our actions.

Set boundaries

Nice people have a hard time setting personal boundaries, because there is always a risk of offending someone by the fact of their existence. It will take conscious effort in the beginning, but the results will be worth it. Weak boundaries kill relationships and create distrust and disrespect in others. Strong boundaries give you a sense of security and attract other people. If someone tells us that they don't want to be called before nine in the morning, we can trust that information and feel grateful that such a wish was expressed. For contrast, imagine that when asked if we are calling too early, we hear “No problem,” but the tone of voice makes it clear that there is a problem There is. They try to be “nice” with us, but this is not particularly pleasant, and at the same time we lose respect for the interlocutor.

Get rid of illusions

The practice of getting rid of illusions will help people who have embarked on the path of transformation to part with magical fantasies and the expectation of a tragic end, and also see others as they are. Free from illusions, a person will be able to experience more fulfilling intimacy, better sex, and genuine joy in relationships. The basis for creating an ideal is the belief that serving an idol will bring happiness and satisfaction.

Of course, this is far from reality. In this case, there is no and cannot be true love or destiny sent by heaven. No real person can make us whole. This is a task for ourselves. Of course, we will have other people help us along the way - friends, lovers, spouses, therapists, teachers and mentors - but the task of meeting our own needs lies with us. This truth is difficult to accept. At first we resist her by calling on habitual thoughts: “If I am nice enough, she will give me everything I need.” We must remind ourselves again and again that no one person can fill the void in our heart.

Don't be afraid of your dark side

Nice people diligently hide their dark side. The problem is not that the dark side is bad, but that we hate it. Interestingly, the process of studying the dark side awakens exactly those qualities that we want to develop in ourselves. Considering and accepting vindictiveness, weakness and anxiety develops forgiveness, strength and calm. Instead of hating their dark side, transforming people understand where it comes from: it is the place in the soul that has suffered the most. This pain needs care, like a small child who has hit himself and wants to be caressed, distracted, played with, joked with, in short, to be loved. When we become able to have compassion for our dark side, transformation accelerates.

Your dependence on the opinions of others is very good. For those around them. They feel comfortable with a submissive and uncomplaining person, but if anything happens, they can put pressure on the “bad inner me” and the uncomplaining person will do whatever is convenient for others. This is how murders are committed, people become drug addicts or just unhappy people. Don't believe me? Even more: dependence on the opinions of others is something that can ruin your life.

The mother of one of the author’s friends really wanted Lisa to become a doctor. And Lisa went with the author to a journalism club, actively wrote for the school newspaper and clearly had a talent for this. But Lisa had no idea how to not depend on other people’s opinions, so she went to medical school, successfully completed it and began serving as a doctor in a local hospital.

At first, her meager salary seemed to be enough, but after some time, when the girl had a family and a child, she simply howled... Mom continued to convince Lisa that the doctor did not work for a salary and that this was normal... The girl was still dependent There is no talk from my mother about retraining or changing my occupation.

Does this remind you of anyone? There are many of them, so if you are already wondering how to stop depending on the opinions of others, you are on the right track. What to do?

Don't try to be good to everyone

This is unrealistic. Even the most beautiful and talented movie stars are not liked by everyone. So what, they are trying to adapt to the opinions of ill-wishers. And the evil physics teacher at school is trying to please all the students and parents? Oh my God! So you have the right not to please everyone and not even strive for it. Better think about what you want. Also learn to put every situation into perspective. Perhaps today they laugh at your passion for vocals or playing the guitar, but who knows how many fans of your talent will appear in a few years.

Decide what you want

This is a key action in getting rid of dependence on other people's opinions. What do you believe? What are your values? ? Don't avoid these questions. This will help you not give in to other people's desires. Don't be afraid of causing conflict or losing love, friendship, or status because of this. Perhaps if you are being manipulated, it is not a true friend and a pathological love relationship. In any case, ask yourself what exactly you think is right. Ask to be given time to think and decide for yourself what you need. Believe me, no one knows better than you who to study and whom to marry. Why? Yes, because no one knows you better than yourself.

Embrace your dark side

Many of those who follow the lead of their parents, friends or superiors behave this way only because painful areas of their self-esteem have been touched. They were afraid that they would be considered bad. And now the question. Do you allow other people to be imperfect, bad, lazy, vindictive or selfish? So why can't you be bad? The problem is that we hate our dark side, but we need to accept it and study where it came from. Only in this way will you develop strength of character and stop following the lead of others just because they have pointed out your imperfections. Also, you should not suppress your aggression: it is important to learn to manage it.

Be alone with yourself

Many people who are heavily dependent on other people's opinions are afraid that they will be neglected and are simply afraid of being alone. And there is no need to be afraid of this; moreover, loneliness should be practiced sometimes. Alone with yourself, it will become clearer what you personally want.

Learn to say the dreaded word “no”

Otherwise, you will not advance in the art of not depending on other people’s opinions. You don't need to start with the situations that are most important to you. For example, when planning a meeting with your parents or girlfriend, they offer to meet at 6, and you calmly answer: no, let’s do it at seven. Having learned how to use it in small ways, it will be easier to master it later. If this is difficult for you, do not say this word at first, but write it, for example, in SMS or when corresponding on a social network.

Learn to communicate

Get to know each other, go to different companies and different interest clubs, find new friends. The more experience you have in communication, the more opportunities you have to hear different opinions and learn different points of view. This way you will understand that it is completely normal to have your own opinion.

Remember your successes and victories

Do you know how much you have achieved on your own? This means that you can completely manage your life without the help of other people's opinions.

Understand that all people are equal

This means that the opinions of others are not more important or valid than yours. And certainly it is not correct by definition only because it is not you who thinks so, but another person, even one who is authoritative for you. Only you are given the opportunity to live your life and you don’t need to spend it pleasing everyone around you.