Develop emotional intelligence: general tips and practical steps. Emotional intellect

Victoria Shimanskaya is a psychologist, a leading specialist in emotional intelligence (EQ) research in Russia, the author of the “Monsiki” methodology for developing children’s EQ, a partner in the EQ-factor Laboratory, a leader of master classes and trainings on the topic of EQ - about the intellectual-emotional profile of a person and its roles in organizing and running a business.

Key Factors of Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is talked about often and a lot today. The need to develop emotional intelligence has been proven more than once by scientists and various examples from life and business.

It is obvious that a person who has a higher level of emotional intelligence perceives reality more adequately and reacts to it and interacts with it much more effectively. This applies to almost all communications - both interpersonal and social; subjective and objective experiences; abstract and concrete concepts. Thus, emotional intelligence has become one of the new tools for business management, building effective communications and management.

Perception of information occurs through sensory systems. In this case, key areas of the brain act first, and then reactions of the autonomic nervous, muscular and other systems occur. Interaction with information, with yourself and the world around you is built depending on the degree of development of the key drivers of emotional intelligence: awareness, self-esteem, motivation, adaptability.

Drivers actually contain the basic personality traits, but they are not immutable and can develop.

Each driver can be unlocked through four skills:

1. awareness through awareness of your thoughts and emotions, your body and behavior;
2. self-esteem through a positive perception of the world and determination, as well as through acceptance and assertiveness (a person’s ability not to depend on external influences and assessments, to independently regulate their own behavior and be responsible for it);
3. motivation through the desire for self-actualization and determination, as well as through an open perception of the new, strong goal setting and objective experience of failures;
4. adaptability through conscious empathy for another person - empathy, stress resistance, decision making and communication skills.

Emotional Quotient

It is necessary to pay attention to the fact that emotional intelligence does not exist separately from intelligence. Over the past three decades, science has made significant progress in studying the interaction of the emotional and intellectual spheres (IQ and EQ) from the point of view of brain activity, psychology and business.

“It is very important to understand that emotional intelligence is not the opposite of intelligence, it is not the triumph of the heart over the head - it is the only way the two intersect,” once said David R. Caruso, a psychologist, professor of psychology at Yale University (USA), an expert in the field management and co-author of the concept of emotional intelligence.

Along with the well-known abbreviation IQ (English Intelligence Quotient - intelligence coefficient or mental development coefficient), there is the concept of the emotional coefficient EQ ( English. Emotional Quotient), which was introduced by clinical physiologist Ruven Bar-On back in 1985. In 1996, at the meeting of the American Psychological Association in Toronto, he presented his EQ-i (Emotional Quotient Inventory) test, which contained a list of questions to determine the emotional intelligence coefficient, from which the now famous “Bar-On model of emotional intelligence” was born.

Despite the fact that the interaction of IQ and EQ is recognized by many researchers, the first model that clearly showed the interaction of these two coefficients was developed by Russian scientists at the EQ-factor Laboratory for the Study of Emotional Intelligence under the leadership of N. Koro and V. Shimanskaya.

Intellectual-emotional personality profile of a leader

This model is an integral part of the intellectual-emotional profile of the IEPP personality. According to this model, emotional intelligence EQ is a kind of base of the personality pyramid in the coordinate system. The vectors of this system are EQ drivers and form various behavior strategies in various areas of life:

1. awareness – “the strategy of philosophers”;
2. self-esteem - “star strategy”;
3. motivation – “heroes’ strategy”;
4. adaptability – “managers’ strategy.”

When emotional intelligence is combined with the IQ vector of intelligence, a “creators’ strategy” is formed - a strategy that is key in all areas of life, and even more so in business.

It is the “strategy of creators” that allows one to realize a person’s potential so much that ultimately he reaches the highest level of self-realization. Therefore, the larger the volume of this pyramid (due to the development of EQ drivers and IQ itself), the more opportunities a person will have to influence his life, the lives of other people and the world as a whole.

In the modern world, any leader and entrepreneur must be a creator - create not just a product or service, but the best product, the best service, the best service and the best experience. And this is almost impossible without the ability to manage your emotions.

How to develop EQ?

As already noted in this article, the development of EQ occurs through the development of its main factors - drivers. Therefore, it is necessary to develop them first.

1. Exercise to develop “awareness”

1. Close your ears and concentrate on your surroundings, try to see all the details. The picture will become “brighter” and you will notice something that you didn’t pay attention to before.
2. Then close your eyes and concentrate on the sounds. In a normal situation, we subconsciously concentrate on an area of ​​no more than 1.5 meters around us. By “expanding” our hearing, we begin to notice the nuances of natural and mechanical.
3. Close your eyes and ears together. Feel how your body interacts with the outside world - for example, the touch of the wind or grass if you are ready to take off your shoes.

It is enough to do this exercise once a week so that your ability to recognize the voice intonations of your interlocutors and the nuances of facial expressions become significantly higher. This will allow you to more accurately determine the explicit and hidden messages of your interlocutors and, most importantly, your own reaction to certain processes, as well as understand how your body reacts to information and how it experiences emotions.

2. To develop “adaptability”, a simple training using “emotion cards” is suitable.

You pretend to be angry, happy, sad or interested, depending on which card you draw. This is a simple and effective way to “practice” your emotional expression. At the same time, your effectiveness as a negotiator increases several times.

3. To develop “self-esteem”, you should first master power poses

Power poses are poses of the human body that “trigger” the production of dopamine: straight back, arms raised up, head held high. The production of this hormone contributes to better memorization of material and information.

One minute of this exercise before negotiations will make you feel much more confident.

4. To develop “motivation”, do the following right now

Write down ten things you enjoy doing. Then reformulate them so that only verbs remain. Find exactly the verb that best conveys this or that activity.

Using these verbs, create a plan for the month. And during this month you will need to live ten days under the motto of this word. Travel or laugh, taste and learn new things, jump or count – there are many options.

For example, with the verb "tasting" as the motto, you could head to a special restaurant or wine boutique - or maybe throw a party at home. This can also become a concept for presenting your company’s products and services.

Just live each of these days with 200% of those ten words-actions that truly constitute your essence of growth - what you can give to the world.

When performing such exercises, you will definitely move closer to your true goals than in the last few years, because you will be engaged in the most important task of a successful businessman or leader - the implementation of the “creator’s strategy.”

It is commonly understood as a set of skills that allow one to maintain control over one’s own emotional background and influence the behavior of surrounding individuals. Therefore, the development of emotional intelligence is a process that must begin from an early age in order to quickly adapt to the realities of social life and feel confident in adulthood.

The main advantage of a high EQ (this is how emotional intelligence is designated in science and everyday life) is the minimization of negative emotions. Indeed, through this phenomenon, you can quickly identify the cause-and-effect relationship of their occurrence and soberly assess the current circumstances in order to respond to them wisely and take timely measures to solve the problem.

Since the 40s of the 20th century, numerous studies began to be carried out. Their basic goal was to determine the mutual connection that arose between achievements in school and success in subsequent life of students. Several conclusions were drawn, the main one being the following: in order to achieve your goals, you need to be able to interact with other people by forming agreements and establishing cooperation.

What factors hinder the development of EQ

Increasing emotional intelligence is serious and complex work that begins in preschool age. Not everyone can do it quickly. The fact is that there are several factors that prevent this phenomenon:

• lack of sensitivity to non-verbal signals (this condition is observed in approximately every tenth individual, especially in preschoolers, and is expressed in a poor sense of personal space, inability to establish visual contact, irrational interpretation of other people’s facial expressions);
• avoiding a conflict situation instead of resolving it (people who feel useless, lonely or burdened, as practice shows, are absolutely unable to contact the outside world and society, preferring to be alone and sad rather than go in search of ways to solve problems) ;
• excessive aggressiveness (many individuals choose aggression as the main reaction to everything that happens around them, this leads to their immediate isolation from society and depletion of strength, vitality, and vigor).

To avoid the harmful effects of these factors, it is necessary to answer the question of how to increase emotional intelligence.

Why successful people in life have high EQ scores

People who have achieved success in life as individuals, as a rule, have a high level of emotional intelligence. Several factors simultaneously contribute to this circumstance.

1. The development of this skill allows an individual to get rid of numerous doubts, fears, prejudices and encourages active action to resolve the issues raised.
2. A high emotional background parameter provides a simple understanding of the motives and actions of the people around you. This means that it becomes possible to effectively interact with the “right” individuals and select an appropriate model of behavior for this.
3. The phenomenon can be developed throughout human life, which cannot be said about IQ. You can tackle this issue from infancy and complete development in old age. This guarantees the individual's harmony with himself and the people around him.

Principles for increasing EQ

Now is the time to consider how to develop emotional intelligence yourself. There are several fundamental principles for this.

1. Every emotion should be recognized, especially when talking about negative things. You can deceive everyone, but not your own personality and essence.
2. You should expand your vocabulary to express your own feelings. Emotions have not only facial accompaniment, but also verbal accompaniment. Therefore, it is important to name at least a dozen different emotions and replenish this piggy bank at every opportunity.
3. It is important to analyze other people's feelings. Once you have dealt with your own feelings, you can begin to deal with the feelings of others. You should observe what methods they use to respond to claims and demands or, conversely, to pleasant events. How do they behave in unforeseen situations, is it possible to maintain composure.
4. It is necessary to find new ways to respond to typical cases. What emotions and feelings do they evoke? Do you want to show aggression towards them or, conversely, switch to tenderness?
5. You need to monitor your own locus of control. That is, to be aware of your responsibility for your own life and the series of events that are observed in it.

As much as possible?

It's absolutely possible. In fact, each person’s EQ is just a set of specific skills, which in English means “soft skills”. Scientists have proven that a person’s intellectual quotient actively grows only during the first 20 years of life. Then it either stays in the same place or falls. However, it is foolish to believe that success in life is determined only by what we managed to accumulate in childhood. Otherwise, few people could become successful.

This is where EQ comes to the rescue. In contrast to the (indicator of intelligence), its development occurs throughout the entire life experience received by the individual. Its increase will be observed in any case. But if you put a certain amount of effort into this process, the end result will be much better. This coefficient is largely determined by the following factors:

• the individual’s “habitat” environment (mainly the conditions in which he grew and developed);
• level of awareness (awareness of oneself and the surrounding world, reality);
• a wealth of knowledge (practice shows that the smarter a person, in principle, the higher his EQ).

The good news is that developing emotional intelligence in experienced adults is just as feasible as it is in children. Unfortunately, there is no magic pill in the world that would instantly help you become developed and happy. But there is one effective means - training, improvement and constant practice. Only through your own work can you learn the basics of self-analysis and comprehend the deepest psychological science.

Simple exercises to improve your EQ level

There are five (actually there are many more) exercises that will help you quickly increase your level of emotional intelligence.

Diary of Emotions

Any reaction to a certain event in life is the result of past experience. The more difficulties you have overcome, the more adequate the reaction to any difficulties that arise will be. This suggests that not all people react the same way to the same event.

For example, the following happened: the boss was in a bad mood and yelled at his subordinate “no way.” One employee will understand his manager and continue working in the same direction. Another will be offended and decide to take revenge (for example, “snitch” to a superior). The third one will burst into tears, deciding that he is a bad employee and not worth his position. A schoolchild, having received a remark from a teacher, can also react differently, just like a teenager to the teachings of his parents. Emotionality is characteristic of every person, so all these reactions are absolutely normal.

Your goal is to determine the one that is specific to you. And then figure out the internal mechanisms (reasons) that ensure its launch. In order to control your own emotions, you need to carefully understand this issue. It is better to select several reactions at once in order to select the most optimal one if necessary. This is called the ability to control emotions and, instead of hysteria, prefer restraint and self-control.

Records of successes should be made in a diary. If you try this practice for a month, you will change yourself and be able to have a positive impact on your own life.

Choice of words

In fact, there is no such thing that cannot be described in words. Every day a modern person is bombarded with an avalanche of experiences and emotions. But most individuals do not have suitable words in their vocabulary to express them easily. Agree, not every adult will choose words and phrases to describe feelings. The maximum we are capable of is to describe joy, sadness, anger. What about deep experiences? What can we say about a younger child? And if they were, it would be possible to effectively interact with this or that emotion.

Feedback

The problem is that the lion's share of individuals are not able to give and receive feedback, both in a positive and negative way. And even if they know how to do it, they do it wrong, making it personal, hurting the feelings of other people.

It’s one thing, when giving feedback, to tell a person: “You’re too eccentric.” And something completely different: “Yesterday I asked you how I could help you, and you yelled at me and hung up on me, in my opinion, it was too reckless, because I really want to help you.”

Accepting feedback (negative) instead of saying “Oh so. What do you think about yourself? And in general, look at yourself,” you can say: “thank you for your recommendations, I’ll think about it...”.

This is self-awareness. How can you develop emotional intelligence in an adult?

Testing

In world practice, it is customary to use a huge number of typologies, which are accompanied by corresponding test tasks. When it comes to knowing yourself, there are several difficulties:

• not all tests are of high quality, so preference should be given only to proven tasks and always original ones (the more questions they contain, the more accurate the result will be provided);
• correct interpretation of the result (the Internet is full of various tests that provide only brief abstracts from the description, which in reality give nothing (or almost nothing), reading a good book on the topic or familiarizing yourself with a scientific article will be much more useful, you need to read to increase the value indicator and raise it in accordance with your own wishes);
• awareness of the result, especially regarding the negative (weak) sides (it should be understood that there are no bad or good psychological types, since each of them has positive and negative sides).

As a result, you will become an emotionally stable person who can cope with your own feelings.

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to understand one’s own feelings and emotions, the feelings and emotions of other people, and the ability to effectively influence one’s own and others’ behavior by managing one’s own emotions and feelings and the emotions and feelings of other people.

One of the remarkable consequences of developing emotional intelligence is the reduction of negative emotions. Developed emotional intelligence allows you to quickly figure out the causes of negative emotions, then soberly assess the situation and respond to it wisely, instead of experiencing them for a long, long time.

Since the 40s of the last century, studies have been repeatedly conducted to identify the connection between school or university academic achievements and the subsequent successful or unsuccessful lives of students. It turned out that in order to achieve your goals, the ability to get along with people is very important: to understand other people’s reactions and be able to predict them, negotiate and cooperate.

Not everyone succeeds in this: there are things that do not contribute to this:

Immunity to non-verbal cues. Occurs in approximately every tenth person: this is a poor sense of the interlocutor’s personal space, inability to establish eye contact, inability to start, maintain or end a conversation on time, misinterpretation of the interlocutor’s facial expression.

Behavior associated with avoiding conflict. People who feel unloved, lonely, and burdened with worries are not at all inclined to contact others. They prefer to mope alone rather than try to solve their problems.

Aggressiveness. Nobody likes aggressive people - neither children, nor even adults. People who choose aggression as the basic (and sometimes the only) reaction to everything that happens quickly find themselves isolated.

Click on the picture to enlarge.

Most successful people have developed emotional intelligence. There are several reasons for this.

Firstly, the development of emotional intelligence allows you to get rid of many fears and doubts, begin to act and communicate with people to achieve your goals.

Secondly, emotional intelligence allows you to understand the motives of other people, “read them like a book.” And this means finding the right people and interacting effectively with them.

Third, emotional intelligence can be developed and increased throughout life, unlike IQ.

How to improve your emotional intelligence.

1. Any emotions must be conscious. Negative emotions – even more so. You can lie to anyone, but not to yourself, especially when it comes to socially acceptable behavior. You have the right to admit to yourself (and no one else): “This film is considered an absurd, tearful melodrama, but it touched me terribly.”
2. How are you doing with your vocabulary? Do you use a lot of words to describe feelings? Try to quickly list a dozen of any emotions. If you're stuck after "strained," "awesome," and "amazing," it's time to start expanding your vocabulary. Otherwise, how can you learn to distinguish one feeling from another if there are not even names for them?
3. What kind of emotions there are in general can be learned from others. Moreover: it’s not a bad idea to be aware of the feelings of the people with whom you communicate. Are you sure that you know their emotions one hundred percent? What if you ask? Or if you share your feelings and ask for a response?
4. The surrounding people are generally inexhaustible. I remember that the well-known Homer Simpson reduced Bart’s upbringing to one thing: with a cry of “You bastard,” he rushed to strangle him. In life, such behavior does not look so comical. Observe those around you: in what ways they react to demands, to claims, to good news, to aggression, to compliments. Find (start mentally) new ways to react to typical situations. What feelings can they express?
5. How is your locus of control? It is believed that internal locus of control (there is a feeling that

It so happens that EQ is often associated with the ability to influence people. In fact, his role is broader. Developed emotional intelligence is a useful “background” skill that improves life in almost all areas. By investing in working with our own emotions, we take care of our well-being and success.

What is emotional intelligence

Sales specialists joke: “Ordinary intelligence will help solve a problem. Emotional - will help convince others to solve it for you.” In a broad sense, intelligence can be described as our competence at something. If we operate well and freely with abstract quantities, think with formulas and algorithms, our mathematical intelligence is well developed. Emotional intelligence is also competence, but in the area of ​​feelings and their expression.

In the 20th century, psychologist Richard Lazarus came to the conclusion that emotions are involved in the process of learning and evaluating everything that happens to us.

The raw data from the senses that we receive “at the input” is processed by the brain into sensations, and then evaluates what they should mean. John Mayer and Peter Salovey later described this system as “emotional intelligence.”

If our internal “logistics” are clearly organized, at the end we get an adequate picture of the world and our own reactions.

If not, we get confused in our feelings and desires, attribute fictitious intentions to others and behave inconsistently. Not the most pleasant situation, right?

Why is high EQ important?

Imagine that you work in a small company. The number of clients is still small, but business is going well, and management decides to expand. New divisions are opened, deals are struck with major partners, and all processes are organized as before. Problems begin.

The same thing happens to a person when he tries to take on more responsibility, but does not work with emotions. Constant communication is exhausting, stress and unanswered questions keep you up at night, conflicts constantly break out at home and at work.

The flow of tasks has become more intense, the experiences associated with them have intensified, but they are processed in the same way.

“A person who has high emotional intelligence knows how to regulate his state - let go of emotions that take away energy, and retain those that give energy,” explains Elena Mechetina, psychologist, coach and founder of the center for the development of emotional intelligence in children “D-A”. “. - This does not mean that he avoids conflicts and tense situations. But he quickly returns to a state of balance and does not give in to provocations.”

“Exhibiting emotional intelligence means focusing not on the reason, but on the goal,” adds business coach Elena Sidorenko. - Emotional intelligence is aimed at the future - as, by the way, is rational intelligence. Do you want to change distrust or hostility toward you to curiosity? This means that you should do not what your emotions tell you, but what will lead to the desired result.”

Is it possible to develop EQ?

In a certain sense, the level of intelligence is a given, determined from birth. This reality is layered with upbringing, life and professional experience, and one-sided knowledge about the world. Is it possible to change the emotional “firmware” that dictates certain reactions to us at a conscious age?

What is important here is the belief that we can change. Psychologist Carol Dweck and her followers argue that our results are influenced by the initial setting - stability or growth. If we believe that we can change (and in any case we change measurably under the influence of new experiences), then we actually change.

“The style of emotions, like the style of thinking, is largely a matter of habit,” says Elena Mechetina. - The main beauty of our body is that it can adapt to the loads that we give it. If you can’t do the splits now, you’ll be able to do it after six months of training. It's the same with emotional reactions. It’s hard to believe in change because we’re not used to working with ourselves purposefully.”

Exercises to develop EQ

1. Reconsider your beliefs

Let's remember Lazarus and his colleagues: feelings are formed after we have assessed the event. This can happen at lightning speed because there is a habit of thinking and feeling in a certain way. And it is formed by beliefs.

Beliefs that are misunderstood, out of touch with reality, or outdated can become an emotional trap.

“I had a client, a doctor, who spent a long time building up her contact base,” recalls Elena Mechetina. “Her professionalism also took a long time to develop. The problem was that patients called her constantly, even at night, and she could not refuse: “I took the Hippocratic oath!” But does it say that a doctor should help patients at the cost of his personal life? This belief helped her at first, but then - in the new conditions - it became a hindrance and a source of suffering.”

An important part of working with emotional intelligence can be psychotherapy, where a specialist teaches us to be aware of our beliefs, understand the reasons for their appearance and their relevance to our lives. And - if necessary - reconsider these beliefs and abandon them.

2. Keep an emotional journal

Research by psychologist James Pennebaker has shown that those who have mastered the habit of regularly writing down their feelings find a solution to a complex issue faster and easier.

Here is one of the options on how you can do this. Step 1: Set a timer for 20-30 minutes. Step 2. Describe how you feel at the moment or what you have experienced over the past week (month, year).

Write whatever comes to mind, regardless of style, mistakes and other imperfections. Leave the entry or delete it - it's not that important.

The process of writing itself will teach you to systematize emotional thinking, “unstick” feelings that have stuck together in a lump and more accurately find their causes.

3. Practice expressing emotions

Who is the most masterful in controlling their emotions? Theater actors! Of course, this statement is not uncontroversial, but think about it: demonstrating a deep range of experiences for these people is work. An actor's skill has a lot to do with the ability to allow a certain emotion into oneself and release it without being imbued with it.

Elena Mechetina advises everyone who wants to develop their emotional intelligence to read Konstantin Stanislavsky’s book “The Actor’s Work on Oneself.” A writer or journalist masters the word as an instrument, and in the same way an actor masters emotion. And developed emotional intelligence presupposes the ability to control emotion, and not give in to it.

4. Expand your emotional vocabulary

Susan David, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School and author of Emotional Flexibility, advises not only listening to yourself, but also expanding your emotional vocabulary: learning the nuances of emotions, naming them, and finding a range of applications for each.

Language has amazing magic - it sets emotions a certain development scenario, and it obeys it.

When you have chosen a suitable name for a feeling, try to find at least two more words to describe its shade. What is experienced as sadness can be disappointment, depression, emptiness or regret. By unwinding these threads woven into the general fabric, you will reach the reasons and foundations of your reactions.

5. Remember the goal

According to Elena Sidorenko, the ability to manage one’s feelings is associated with such a quality as self-denial. If we are ready to give in to an impulse of anger or irritation, then we allow these emotions to control us. We follow the lead of those who caused these emotions, without thinking about our own interests.

While within a situation, develop an inner observer who matches intuitive reactions with goals. For example, if someone engages you in a conflict, think, “What are this person’s goals? What are my goals? Which emotional response will best align with my goals?” This is a challenging exercise because it requires good mindfulness practice and the ability to shift quickly. But over time you can master it too.