Left alone with two little boys.

Question for a psychologist:

Hello.

I absolutely don’t know how to collect myself, how to pull myself together and find the strength to live on.

My husband and I are divorcing, it’s impossible to be together. Constant quarrels in front of the children, he raises his hand against me and only comes home to spend the night. He only has money for a car and online games. He no longer cared about me and the children. Maybe we just had a lot on our hands. . The eldest daughter has autism and has organic brain damage. So much effort goes into her treatment, and now he didn’t even give money for rehabilitation, but he immediately found it for car repairs. He was simply no longer in our lives. He doesn't play with children; we also have a younger son. . and just doesn't show up at home. I try as best I can. Every day is full of struggle, thoughts, guilt that I gave an uncertain life to my daughter. I sometimes asked my husband to talk to me, because sometimes I feel so bad that I think it’s better to die. But of course, I understand that you need to live for the sake of your children

But the husband either leaves or turns to the computer. I don't know where I can find strength. I had already forgotten how to control my anger and began to lash out at the children, I simply adore them, but I began to behave irritably with them, almost constantly. I just want to relax and sleep, but I don’t even have that opportunity. As a result, my husband and I are divorcing. We just can't even be in the same room together anymore. And I don’t know how to live further. How not to go crazy. Where to get strength. I need a job, there is no one to stay with the children, I need money for the child’s treatment, alimony will be meager. It would be easier to lie down and die, but I will never abandon my children, especially my daughter. Where can I get the strength to fight??? I lost faith and hope. There is only darkness in my head. I'm 28 years old, but it seems like I have no future. I can’t be weak, I’ve forgotten how to relax, I don’t remember when there was no pain in my soul and what it’s like to laugh from the heart. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, but right now I'm crushed.

I don’t have relatives in this city, and where I do, they don’t welcome me. And I can’t leave here, my daughter has all the doctors and rehabilitation centers here. You need to somehow survive without help.

Psychologist Irina Nikolaevna Panina answers the question.

Hello Julia!

I feel for you with all my heart. I understand how hard it is for you, while I read your letter, tears welled up in my eyes. Maybe this is also because I remembered several other girls and women in a similar situation.

What makes you different from them, from mine? Your fortitude and determination to take action to overcome challenges.

I admire your determination to take life into your own hands and your sober analysis of the circumstances of your current life.

I understand your desire to just get some sleep to gather your strength. Maybe this should be a priority now. Ask someone to look after the kids for a couple of days and just switch off for a while. It's healing. Do you have any girlfriends or acquaintances?

Such a request, of course, is somewhat unusual, but there are living people around who, perhaps, will also need your participation later. And sometimes (almost always) you just have to ask for your wish to be fulfilled.

YOU, in your position, relying only on yourself, have probably forgotten how to ask someone. From your words it is clear that you are “driven” to the fullest extent.

Try asking your friends for help first. This will be a joy for someone, perhaps.

now some information (professional).

Children ALWAYS love their parents. For them it is a matter of survival. You are their nurse and giver of life. For children (while they are small), it doesn’t matter what you are like: angry, irritated, angry, they will still love you. True, children can take your irritation and anger personally, so you may need to explain to them (even if they don’t understand intellectually, but they will definitely understand on an unconscious level) that it is not their fault that you are tired, angry and despairing .

Holding back your feelings is very difficult and unhealthy. There are techniques in psychology for “cultural expression of negative feelings.” First of all, you should recognize them in yourself. And maybe cry. Perhaps even in the presence of children. Telling them that it’s hard and bitter for you now, but it’s not their fault.

I write so much about restoring YOUR peace of mind, because it’s like on an airplane: first the mother puts on an oxygen mask, then the children.

Of course, it’s a kind of shock to accept such responsibility for yourself and for your children. Material and moral.

This condition is similar to the condition of those women who remain widows (and with children) in the same shock. And there are more such women than you think. And their survivor benefits are far from “chocolate”. Around 5 thousand.

It is a pity, of course, that our society takes little care of such women. But society consists of people, and people for the most part are responsive and can get into the situation.

For example, offer remote work. A job as a call center employee (from home), a salesperson in an online store (also from home), a copywriter, and so on may be suitable for you.

Now in the age of the Internet, we can only be glad that we have the opportunity to work without coming to the office.

It may even be necessary to contact social support services. There are people there too. The system itself may leave much to be desired, but there are good people everywhere. I hope that you will be helped. DO NOT hesitate to ask her. This is for your children. Rating 5.00 (12 Votes)

Good day! Dear site visitors, please help with words of support! My story is not much different from others! It was transferred twice!

We lived with our first husband for 8 years, dated for 5 before that, got married when we were both 19, had a child, I was on maternity leave, he didn’t help, he left home all weekend, starting on Friday! Then I noticed that at work he very often communicates with one girl, I knew her, we all worked together in one place, from there I went on maternity leave! She started telling him about it and started scandals. Then I went to work, the job was new, I studied and learned everything, I was terribly tired! And then, when I raised my head, I realized that the girl was next to my husband: they were going for lunch, etc. In general, as a result of showdowns and scandals on my part, he filed for divorce, first once, then again! We were divorced, I don’t think there’s any need to explain what I went through to anyone here!!! Antidepressants, psychologists, psychiatrists - I went through it all! I thought it couldn't get any worse!!! And a miracle happened, I met a young man! I immediately perked up, finally dismissed my ex-husband, he was worried, ran after me, although he himself was divorced!!! But at that moment I decided everything! I fell in love with my second husband! And I don’t know how to do it any other way, I tried very hard for everything to be fine with us! I waited, cooked, tried to be cheerful and light! He said that he loved him too, wanted children, and he himself proposed marriage! A few weeks before the wedding day, I noticed that I was writing some messages to a colleague and demanded that I stop personal correspondence! He agreed, but unfortunately, the first bell had already rung, I was not on my guard! We got married, went on our honeymoon, and I immediately became pregnant! In the sixth month, I found in his mail correspondence with another colleague, compliments: like what legs, etc. I told him everything, asked him to stop! Okay, okay, honey, I love you! I went on a business trip, returned, I found new correspondence with her, and bills for the room in which they lived together! I was in shock when I was eight months pregnant!!! I begged, persuaded, we had nothing, etc. How I survived all this, I don’t know!!! A son is born! I didn’t take decisive action, I should have kicked them out right away, but I scolded and was afraid that I would be left alone with two children! Then I went to work, family - home - children - beloved husband!!! Everything seems to be fine, he says he loves me, but I don’t believe it anymore, and I remember this story endlessly! And as it turned out, it was not in vain! In December, maybe even earlier, the next one appeared! I only found out about it in March, although I participated in something different! There are New Year’s corporate parties together and correspondence, like I love you and various kind words! !! Now two months have passed since I found out everything! We were rocking like a boat in a storm!!! Did you find out why? Him: everything is fine, I love you! I don’t communicate with her anymore, I took the details of his phone calls on April 30, he calls her himself!!! I talked, told him not to repeat it again, sowed the password from my phone! As a result, I found her photo from May 8th on my phone!!!

I have no more strength, I asked to leave, although I had talked about it before! I didn’t want to, but today I came, collected my documents, laptop, and said: I’ll rent an apartment and take my things out!!! I have a question: he was never married, he really asked for a child, it seems, and he should have walked around by now, he’s 30, but he walked for a year, out of a year and a half of marriage? Why get married??? He wanted it himself! It was not my initiative.

Why do I feel so bad? I myself asked him to leave and, it seems, I was right, but I can’t stand it!!! My heart is breaking into pieces, I feel sorry for my 10 month old son! The result is one with two children! Tell me, please, am I doing the right thing?

Support the site:

Elena, age: 32 / 05/13/2015

Responses:

Dear Lena! You initially let everything go on the brakes. If you forgive me now, alas, it will only get worse in the future, you have children, work, you have something to live for, and live happily...
Think about it, do you need a family where there is no trust and respect???

Marina, age: 34 / 05/14/2015

Elena, everything is correct! It’s very hard, it hurts, but it’s right...You have a similar story, a third marriage behind you, but zero brains, again the same rake. I just really want a real family, comfort, warmth, so we close our eyes, forgive, think he’ll come to his senses... But no! Hunchbacked, as they say...
Live for the children, for yourself, return to a normal life - without him. It will be very difficult, but it will pass, believe me.

Evgenia, age: 33 / 05/14/2015

Helen, you didn’t really have a choice. Staying with him means living in eternal fear and anticipation of betrayal. He will never change. And it's not about you. He is such a dirty man.
Your life has great meaning. So far only in children. But believe me, this is only for now. You will still have everything. Dating, meeting and meeting the best man. Now just live. Work, children, summer is coming.
I like how M. Gorky once wrote: “Every day you live is a little life.”

Everything will be fine. Hold on, I hug you.

Julia, age: 41 / 05/14/2015

From my own bitter experience I was convinced that a person can stumble once, and then it becomes part of the system.
Over time, you stop respecting yourself for forgiving such things, and he, of course, also stops respecting him, loses the fear of losing you, because you agree with everything. We must try to start respecting ourselves and not allowing ourselves to be treated this way. I myself am now in a similar situation, I’m trying through all my might not to think, to slowly let go of everything. A person who betrayed once will betray again and again. You understand that only time will help. I decided for myself that in the next relationship, if I only hear calls of this kind, I will stop them immediately. So as not to have time to get used to the person: after all, the longer it is delayed, the more painful it will be later.
Good luck to you, everything will work out for you, as they say, after the darkest night the brightest day will come.

Alisa, age: 26 / 05/14/2015

Lenochka, in my opinion, you were in a hurry by marrying your second husband without getting to know him properly. Perhaps you wanted to escape from a past relationship, and found yourself “out of the frying pan and into the fire.” Psychologists say that it is advisable to enter into a new relationship when a certain amount of time has passed, which is necessary for us to rethink, internally work on ourselves, and finally, to work on the mistakes made in past relationships, and this period can be about a year. “They don’t knock out a wedge with a wedge,” and you, out of emotion, immediately entered into a new relationship with a person whom, in fact, you did not know, otherwise, having understood his essence, which consists in constantly receiving pleasure from life through new affairs, you would not have become involved your life with him. But what’s done is done, experience is the son of difficult mistakes. You definitely did the right thing by asking him to leave. Such a person was not created for a family, for pleasure, yes, experience it with dignity, I am sure that everything will be fine for you, the children will give you strength and faith that everything will work out. If you are a believer, then turn to God for help, ask for help from loved ones and friends, and distance yourself from him. The only thing is that you must apply for alimony.
And do not rush into the next relationship with a man without getting to know him well and making sure that he is a serious and responsible person, and this can be seen primarily by his actions, and not by his words.
A person is designed in such a way that any subsequent relationship begins from the same point where the previous one stopped. And if you parted with a person with resentment, with unsatisfied expectations, then the following relationship will begin with this same expectation: “But he will meet me halfway, give me what I need?” This will already be stressful for that partner at the start. The prognosis will not be good. Therefore, take your time, get over this insult and do not let it settle in your soul for a long time. Use this time - live for yourself and your children, get to know and love yourself!
Good luck to you, hugs to you. Forgive me for being too categorical, I just wanted to help you.

Elena, age: 38 / 05/14/2015

Ksenia, age: 42 / 05/14/2015

Elena, you are doing the right thing. Keeping a family together makes sense if both need it. Clinging to something that is actually destroyed and has no potential for restoration, out of fear of being left alone, out of fear of leaving children without a father, is pointless. Neither you nor your children will be happy in a family where there is no trust, respect and love. You will be in constant tension, constantly suspecting and controlling your husband, which is quite natural after everything that happened. There are two people in prison: a prisoner and a guard. Think about it, do you want this kind of life? I don’t believe at all that you can “walk around”. There are simply people who cheat, and there are those who don’t. Neither at 20, nor at 50. That's all.
It is very difficult for you to let go because you are attached to the person. This is understandable and natural. But if you set yourself the goal of getting rid of this painful addiction, then you will definitely succeed. There are plenty of resources. Read the articles on the site, turn to religion, to a good psychologist.
Elena, it hurts to be betrayed twice. You ask yourself endless questions: “Why?” and why?". But most spiritual teachings (not only Orthodoxy) say something like this: “If you suffer, it means you have sinned.” In different formulations. Think about it. Work on yourself, turn defeat into victory. Use this pain and this disappointment to grow spiritually. Strength to you, patience and optimism!

Anna, age: 25 / 05/15/2015

Hello Lenochka! I also wrote my story on this site. I also forgave and waited 15 years for everything to change for the better. But it is apparently impossible to correct a person’s character and inner world. It is impossible to instill a sense of responsibility in a man who has not been familiar with it since childhood. I always believed that family is work. Working on yourself for the benefit of those who are next to you, which means it is not at all burdensome, is if there is love, care, respect and responsibility in the family. Unfortunately, neither 10 nor 15 years later the miracle happened. My ex-husband hasn't changed one bit. As a result, he left us for a life in which there is no need to care about anyone. Forgive me, maybe I’ll be wrong, but your husband, judging by your story, is also a frivolous and irresponsible person. And the words “I love you” don’t mean anything to him, just words and that’s all. He spoke them so easily, but they were at odds with his deeds. It’s just been a week since I started life alone with my son, but a week ago I heard the same thing - “I only love you.” And here we are alone. So believe after that. It’s very difficult for me now too. Nothing makes me happy. But I'm trying. Thank you to all the girls for your support, I really hope that I will still be happy. And now, in turn, I want to support you so that you don’t feel lonely. To be honest, I am very glad that I found this site completely by accident. This is real and necessary help in such a difficult period of life. I wish you, Lenochka, and your children goodness, peace and self-confidence, and of course, Happiness.

Irina, age: 40 / 05/15/2015

At the moment when I started dating my husband, I was ready and even wanted to have a family and children, but he was not. But at that moment I didn’t understand it. I got pregnant and we decided to get married. He was in his 5th year at the university, and I was a year old and graduated from the university.

When Yuna was born, the first difficulties began. The child was very active, she slept little and it took a long time to put her to bed. The nights were difficult, I had to pump almost all night long.

At that time we lived in my one-room apartment.

My husband graduated from university and began looking for work. I decided to get a job as a sales representative. But a prerequisite is the presence of a car.

My brother just had a 6ka, which he did not use, and he gave it to his husband, having driven it from St. Petersburg.

My husband was very tired and didn’t help with the child at all, which of course hurt me. In principle, I managed on my own, but I wanted dad to participate in the upbringing in some way, so that the child would not be afraid of him. His mother came to us every day with a desire to help. But after some time, she began to stress me out and anger me with her constant presence, stupid comments about the child, the way she babysits... (my parents practically didn’t come, because I initially agreed with them that they would come when I will call them, and not when I want. I wanted the same from my mother-in-law, but she is a very touchy person, I was afraid to tell her, I asked my husband to talk, but he did not consider it necessary, also for fear of offending my mother).

We lived like this for a year. We moved to a 2-bedroom apartment that my parents bought.

Then came the second pregnancy - completely unplanned. I toiled for a long time whether to have an abortion or give birth. Until the end of the 4th month, I was going crazy with fear: it’s scary to give birth to a second child, when the relationship with my husband is not important and my conscience tormented me about having an abortion. In the end they decided to give birth. The pregnancy was quite easy, the only thing was that the tone of the uterus was constant.

The relationship with my husband became cold, he had a girlfriend, I don’t know if they had something serious or just flirting via SMS. But she believed his words - just an acquaintance with whom they were fooling around.

He didn’t help with the child either: he didn’t walk, didn’t bathe, didn’t play... But he was with us. I, with my huge belly and the tone of my uterus, dressed my daughter for a walk in the winter, and he looked at it with his hands in his pockets.

In the spring I gave birth to my 2nd child. And life began to seem very complicated to me. My husband began to prefer the company of his work colleagues and friends to our society. and if not them, then he went to help his mother. While I went to the shower once a month. The eldest daughter was jealous, the baby was in her arms all the time. When my husband came home from work, I asked him to hold the baby so I could run to wash myself. He took her with such a dissatisfied face, as if he had come home tired from work, and here he was thrust into babysitting a child... How insulting it was. For 5 months, he never walked with her, he picked her up at will 2 times, and only for a couple of minutes... Well, and there’s a lot more that can be remembered...

This is not the kind of family I wanted...

And then 2 months ago we separated. He stated that he wants to be treated like a god, and I don't even smile when he comes.

That's how I was left alone with 2 children. and the most offensive thing is that the fault is entirely mine. It’s called what I fought for - that’s what I ran into... I’m talking about how thoughtlessly I approached the choice of a partner and father to my children. Because of my frivolity, the lives of my children have been ruined from the very beginning, and mine to boot.

Because there is a non-zero chance of not surviving. Or survive, but leave your paw in the trap. And it will be a long time before the children become independent. We should remain intact as much as possible.

Maybe, somewhere in the mysterious distances, the children are divided equally, and even given rides back and forth so that they don’t get bored. And in our realities, children will remain with you and only you. You might get some alimony.

What are you leaving from - and we remember, in most Russian divorces the initiator is a woman - what a difference. Since I decided to leave, it’s our job to help.

Once you catch your breath, get back on your feet, you decide what’s next.

“Initiator” does not mean “culprit”

Even if you leave, you don’t have to consider yourself the destroyer of the family. From that family, perhaps, only an empty shell remained for a long time. Someone is cheated on, family money is stolen from someone, someone has been having sex with someone for years exclusively at 6 in the morning, with someone sleeping. And in the evening, no, sorry, not today. You can't have a bottle of alcohol in someone's house. If one of the two believes that the marriage is over, then the marriage is over.

If you leave because a prince from Monaco is taking you and your children to his yacht... Then you will deal with your guilt yourself, and you don’t need additional discussions. So anyone who tells you what a fool you are for ruining such a wonderful family goes to the garden.

Don't try to stay friends

If a spark flashed between you at least once in your life, if you had any passion at all, God forbid you try to put on a good face and remain friends, get into a position and all that.

You are parents of common children. You have responsibilities towards these children. It is somehow impossible to force another person to fulfill these duties even in marriage. Without marriage, you have two options - to score (and, by the way, this is an excellent method to later fight off well-wishers and the inner self-righteous. “He was such a great husband, you say? He doesn’t even pay alimony! Why is he like that to us?”) or to scratch through court.

If you get more money through the court than with a travel card, maybe it makes sense. By the way, it is worth remembering that ex-husbands have a funny tendency to forget about verbal agreements about helping children as soon as they have a new personal life. And it will arise.

And maybe. If he does what he promises. If your new man met him, he said, “You actually have good taste. But I was luckier.” If the children slowly got used to his new one and jokingly call her stepmother. If his new one calls you to complain about him, and you laugh together - then, then you can become friends. But still keep your distance.

This is not your war

Whatever he plays now, whatever he does now, whoever he stays with, and whatever he says, it doesn’t concern you. It's not your problem anymore. Of course, he can call and ask in a special voice “what kind of demonstrations? Why did you unfriend me on all the networks?” to which you need to answer in a clear voice “and this is so that you don’t see my locks, of course.”

If he wants to communicate with children, let them communicate directly. Doesn't your child have a phone? Let him buy it. This is not your problem.

Don't discuss reasons for divorce with children

You can and should discuss the consequences with them. We will now live there. So that. With such and such people. Dad will see you then (here’s a dangerous moment, don’t forget to insert “he says so.” Otherwise dad will promise new skates and the whole world to boot for your birthday, but he won’t come at all – and you’ll have to deal with the consequences ).

If a controversial issue arises, call your ex on Skype with the child on your lap and politely say, “Sorry, Victor, Tanya doesn’t quite understand whether she should expect you this weekend or not. Explain to her yourself, please.” And then you calmly leave the frame.

To accusations that you are setting him up, answer with a clear conscience that you are no longer responsible for his relationship with his children, and you are not obligated to sort them out. Your duty is not to say nasty things about him to your children, so you don’t say them.

And the reasons for divorce with children can only be discussed if the children are already so old that you can drink vodka with them. In terms of pedagogy, it is approximately the same.

Ask for help and take it

We once wrote how to help a friend who was getting divorced - so we sent this post to everyone who asked “how can I help you?” You are going through a difficult period right now. Minus the brain hunger from a dying relationship, minus the everyday services of an adult, plus the inevitable anxiety and neurosis of half-orphaned children, minus the money that the ex did bring to the family.

Here, as I remember, we used to be able to make money easier after a divorce - the man ate something to eat, but threw five thousand a month into the common fund. But, if you decide to get a divorce without leading to such an absurdity, then money will become more difficult. And the opportunity to go somewhere has become even rarer, especially if the children are not high school students.

Ask for help. You won't always be freshly divorced. Sooner or later you will stop being sick, the children will sooner or later accept the situation and also stop give the country coal All will settle down, in general. Then you can return the help. Or pass it on.

Be with your children as much as you can

According to the airplane principle - put an oxygen mask on 1. yourself 2. on the child. Even if these are students who knew almost all of dad's quirks, your decision to leave is sad and traumatic for them, like a fire made of their children's toys.

“So everything I learned from them doesn’t work?” It is clear that they are freaking out. Another question is that you cannot be made a drain pipe for this negativity. Use the “okay, kids, I’m going to make your mother” method and come cheerful and energetic. And fill the gap with grandma, nanny or his turn.

Is it all mom's fault again? I’ll go alone to the kitchen to drink coffee. I’m going through a divorce, I’m worried, and you sit alone. Have you woken up? Let's eat ice cream? or shall we go to the bathroom and throw paint?

It is also useful to hang a punching bag in the house. All of you have aggression through the roof right now, it’s good to have somewhere to put it to good use. And the children, looking at their mother screaming and hitting a pear with a mop, will stop considering their mother boring. Even if such a thought could creep in on them - after all, a person is in a state of constant self-control: “No, I’m not crying. I will not die. I have things to do. So, let's go to kindergarten...” usually looks just that gray and boring.

If you find an opportunity to go somewhere with your children, consider your strength and decide who you will put the oxygen mask on. If yours is already in place, then we take care of the children. Maybe blame part of the trip on someone else and only take half of it for yourself. But you have to give half of it to the children - it’s very scary to feel that your second parent is leaving you.

Go ahead and play the fool

Now, honestly, no one will see how the three of you lay in bed all day and sing along to Pierrot from the Soviet film:

You and your children are friends, actually.

Text: Asya Mikheeva
Photo: Shutterstock