• A typical aggressor reacts to someone or something with outbursts of anger and assault. He loses his temper. But this requires a clear reason.
• A passive aggressor does everything to do the opposite. His behavior is a lifestyle. He is used to doing only what will be contrary to expectations, “out of spite.” It is expressed in the fact that the passive aggressor always causes pain.

His reactions, manner of speaking, a short remark can destroy the relationship. It is from them that you can hear: “ Yes, the dress is beautiful, it covers your fat“, “I didn't make it to the date because I didn't have time“. There are excuses for everything. They want to make others feel bad. Typical answer: “ I suffered, why should it be easier for him??”, “Did you want me to go to college? I did it. But you don't have to study further“.

He transfers his pain or anger to the whole world. Hidden anger takes on a severe form.

Those suffering from aggression have failed to cope with their experiences and traumas. Their behavior is defensive and passive. The world is a threat. Everyone, according to the manipulator, will sooner or later disappoint him and hurt him. Although they themselves cause trouble and destroy lives easily.

How to recognize them and communicate with them – we will talk about this in the article.

Causes

• Parent program;
• childhood abuse or violence;
• rape;
• internal depression, pain;
• regret and a feeling of dirt (often passive aggressors believe that everything in the world is corrupt, disgusting, and wrong);
• disappointment;
• cruel, strict upbringing;
• infantilism;
• emotional dryness, inability to love;
• traumatic relationships.

How it manifests itself

A person regularly reproaches others for something. He is looking for a reason to start a quarrel or express dissatisfaction. Criticizes every thing or reaction. It's hard to communicate with him.

A passive aggressor rarely fulfills his promises; moreover, he will also blame you for his mistakes. He loves evil, cruel pranks, jokes, and makes offensive remarks.

If it seems to you that this person will change, then this is not so. The reasons for this behavior lie in early childhood. He rarely raises his hand or loses his temper. But he strives to make trouble for others through words or actions. If he knows that you are a punctual person, he will be late all the time.

What threats does it pose?

Such a person regularly calls others into conflict. It may not be immediately recognizable. Therefore, it is important to listen to your inner voice.

Often victims say that after communicating with someone they wanted to immediately take a shower or dust themselves off. He enjoys acting as a teacher and telling others what to do.

Communication causes great discomfort. The weaker are subject to harmful influences.

• A person ruins the life of loved ones, colleagues, friends.
• He considers himself insulted.
• Thinks he has the right to offend others.
• Is critical of the world.
• He can do small or large dirty tricks, set others up not only when it is beneficial for him, but also for the sake of pleasure.
• He loves to protest, resist, and it is impossible to come to an agreement with him.
• If you tolerate this behavior for a long time, passive aggression becomes active.

These people resemble sadists. It is almost impossible to cure them, retrain them or re-educate them. They are used to living for themselves. They love to feel their power. They start relationships with weaker partners in order to be able to express negativity. Their loved ones become victims. This behavior destroys the personality, lives in tension and stress, suppression of one’s own goals and aspirations can drive others to suicide.

How to recognize a passive aggressor

Common signs are internal anger, disappointment in life, and bouts of depression. Such a person constantly feels bad.

He understands that he could not restrain himself and offended, but he finds a thousand reasons to justify his behavior. It’s hard for him to apologize, to give emotional warmth, and it’s unrealistic to forgive. Relationships with people are complicated. Sometimes passive aggressors are lonely. Those who are near them suffer. Verbal intemperance, slander, the use of swear words, insults, the desire to humiliate and point out to others their mistakes and shortcomings is a serious reason to think.

Passive aggressors often go unnoticed. They can do nasty things on the sly. They love to manipulate. Rarely raise their voice or shout. But they do everything to discredit or offend others.

These are talented manipulators. They will deliberately make you wait in a cafe, be late for an important meeting, and forget the necessary documents. As soon as you start reproaching them, they will blame you. They deliberately evoke in you the emotions they want.

It is difficult to overcome this condition on your own. The help of a psychotherapist is needed.

Is it possible to eradicate

A person enjoys using obscene language, reproaching, offending, substituting. He likes strong emotions. Sometimes such people are called. Every outburst, reaction, and tears assures the aggressor of his power. After he brings you to a nervous breakdown, he will also accuse you of being hysterical.

Recovery is possible only with appropriate treatment. It takes a great desire to work with specialists. The main thing is to want to admit your problem. A person must work through it. His pain will gradually go away. He will learn to trust the world and stop blaming others.

Typical mistakes in dealing with aggressors

1. You can't react. Stay calm.
2. Try not to be fooled by provocations.
3. Never share your innermost thoughts and life events. When the opportunity arises, the aggressor will use the information. Sometimes such people deliberately play the role of a sympathetic, attentive listener, so that later they can use incriminating evidence for blackmail.
4. You can't show that you're upset or hurt. You can laugh it off or do something unexpected. Any deviation from the norms of behavior (in the understanding of the aggressor) will lead him to bewilderment.

Passive-aggressive behavior is expressed in communication and becomes a character trait. It causes personality disorders. Reduces others to the state of victim. They become dependent on the manipulator.

Suppressed aggressiveness is expressed in words and actions. Communicating with such a person is difficult and uncomfortable. He is always dissatisfied with life.

Removing excess aggression is a long-term treatment process. It is necessary to work with a therapist, determine the reasons and together get rid of such a perception of reality.

Try not to communicate with an aggressive person. Avoid conflicts and showing emotions in their presence. Work on yourself, increase your self-esteem, do not react to criticism. Break off relationships with loved ones if you notice aggressive signs. If your man is passive-aggressive, you will be able to see the behavior manifest within a few weeks after the wedding.

Greetings, dear readers! Have you ever felt discomfort when being around friends, colleagues or family members? I'll bet a dollar on something that has happened more than once. Want to know why this happens? Some people tend to be hostile towards to those around . Sometimes to everyone at once, sometimes selectively, sometimes intentionally, and often following the lead of the games of the subconscious.

Sometimes we are faced with explosive aggression (anger), and sometimes with hidden hostility. How to understand that you are a victim aggression and how to deal with it? This is what we will talk about today.

Hostility and its masks

Very often, when becoming victims of hostility, a person is not aware of it. You may ask: “What is the threat of such manifestations if we still don’t notice them?” I will explain, the hidden negativity that others pour out on us may not reach our understanding, but it will inevitably penetrate into ours. Then we feel depressed, uncomfortable, insecure, and can follow the lead of the aggressors, preventing the development of our potential and suppressing our own dignity. It shouldn't be this way.

Hostility is in psychology , the emotional state of a person who wants to take control of people who do not meet his expectations.

Let's look at a more accessible and simpler example. The mother-in-law is deeply convinced that the daughter-in-law should not work. Her ideas about an ideal wife are based on decorating the house, running the household and caring for her beloved son. While the daughter-in-law wants to build a career, while coming to absolute agreement and understanding with her husband. Every time you are with your daughter-in-law, hint that the daughter-in-law is not good enough for her son, that she is a bad housewife, mother, wife, and so on.

How it manifests itself such hostility, if not direct attack? Hints, non-verbal cues (smirks, sighs, eye rolls, head shakes) and many other ways to send your poor daughter-in-law “envelopment” as Sam Wakin would say. aggression , and invade her personal boundaries.

So what is hostility like? She happens under a mask hidden aggression, or through “open fire”. What to do if you are faced with an “open fire” I described in the article “ ».

How to understand that you have become a victim and recognize hidden aggression?

Hidden aggression - derogatory attitude, providing pressure on a person and affecting his sovereignty. The goal of the aggressor is usually to manipulate and control the victim. In the articleI help create the right line of behavior. But in order to begin to form it, you need to understand whether you really have become a victim. Here are the most common ones signs disguised aggression:

• unflattering comparisons (“you’re like that crocodile from the joke”);
• sarcasm (“where should we go, you know this better than anyone”);
• command tone (“do as you are told”);
• comments (“you’re doing it wrong” “everyone should know this”);
• condescension (“come on, didn’t you know about such simple things?”);
• generalization (“well, everything is as usual with you”);
• boasting (“I would have finished everything long ago”);
• reminder of failure (“it will happen again like that time”);
• false sympathy (“hold on, otherwise you look just terrible”);
• facial expressions and gestures (the same ones that our mother-in-law used).

How to resist aggression?

Most often the embodiment definitions hostility and aggression, we encounter at work among colleagues. That is why it is most difficult to cope with, because if our relatives try to take control of us, they do not do it out of malice, you can talk to them and find compromises. As for acquaintances and people whom we consider friends, here, if the problem cannot be solved, we can simply cut off all ties. But when it comes to work colleagues, the issue becomes acute. Do you hold on to your place, but feel that you are not welcome there? The article in which I raise will help you find a solution .

The second method is based on agreement with the aggressor. Yes, it is precisely agreement with the statement and mockery, no matter how caustic they may be, that will help repel the opponent. Add a drop of irony and sarcasm to your agreement, and behold, the wolf rushes back to his forest.

Remember that the nature of the aggressor hides its own powerlessness, uncertainty and complexes. By humiliating others, a person asserts his self.

Main , because others may not have noticed the hidden hostility from your opponent, which means it is your behavior that will cause indignation. You can try the third option - dialogue. Perhaps your opponent does not adequately assess his behavior; by having a calm but constructive one-on-one conversation, you can achieve changes for the better.

To better understand your colleagues and form the right behavior in a team, read the article in which I tell you what to do . If you realize that you will have to get along with “difficult” people, the author of the book will help you find the right tactics “How to talk to assholes. What to do with inadequate and unbearable people in your life" - Mark Goulston.

With this I say goodbye. Subscribe to the newsletter and don't let aggressors get the better of you.

From letters to Samprosvetbyulleten: “The man’s behavior worries me. He treats my cat rather rudely. At first in words, then he began to throw her off the sofa and tries to kick her when she passes by,” writes Marina.

“What behavior in a man indicates that he may be aggressive in the future? The young man got angry that I didn’t want to do as he had planned and threw the car keys on the floor with all my might...” writes Anastasia.

“...having gone through bad experiences in the past, now I’m afraid of making mistakes. “to be sure that he will not raise his hand against me,”- Olga asks.

Aggressive behavior of a man

In my work, I often encounter the phenomenon that women, observing the first manifestations of aggressive behavior on the part of a man, do not attach any significance to what happened. But a man’s behavior does not arise out of nowhere and has its own causes and consequences.

Women who came to me about problems of aggression and violence on the part of their husbands recognized that the man showed signs of aggression before marriage, but they did not pay attention or did not understand what consequences such behavior could lead to. According to my observations, women who were previously married to an alcoholic husband and were subjected to violence and humiliation, and who have developed the attitude “as long as I don’t drink,” are especially vulnerable. Having met a man who is socially more successful and not susceptible to alcoholism, they are more tolerant of his shortcomings, which at first seem insignificant.

According to American researchers, severe aggression and violence occur in 1 out of 14 marriages. Women show aggression mainly in self-defense or when they are forced to do something. Men use aggression to get their way.

Aggression can be open or hidden

Open aggression can manifest itself:

In physical form: blows, attacks, pushes.
In communication: offensive words, nicknames, ironic statements.
In facial expressions and movements: offensive gestures, contemptuous grimace.
In cruelty to children and animals, breaking dishes and other objects.

Hidden aggression can manifest itself:

In actions that emphasize that the interlocutor is not noticed.
In communication: slander, slander; words that cause guilt, ignoring questions.
In facial expressions and movements: avoidance of direct gaze, gloomy facial expression in response to a smile.

Aggression is a sign of a limited and one-sidedly developed personality, insufficiently developed skills for dealing with anger. Often men prone to aggression are depressed, may have personality disorders, irrational thoughts and negative attitudes, have low self-esteem and a strong desire for power.

Even if a person does not clearly show aggression, it colors his speech, thoughts and actions. Therefore, a man capable of aggression and violence can be identified at the dating stage. Even if you meet through, you can recognize the signs of an aggressive man at the stage.

Signs of behavior in a man prone to aggression

1. Increased sensitivity and impatience if something does not happen as expected. In this case, a person very easily gets offended or loses his temper.
2. Constantly assures you of something and makes promises: “I swear, honestly, I’m not exaggerating, I’m telling the truth, I promise.”
3. Often gives you and other people definitions and diagnoses: “You only need money,” “my ex was hysterical.”
4. Uses threats: “If you don’t do this, then I will do this...”.
5. He often teases sarcastically, uses ridicule, ironic statements, and is generally inclined to be sarcastic.
6. Likes to gossip, retelling negative information.
7. Conducts a dialogue with himself, asks you questions and answers them himself.
8. Uses exaggeration and understatement in speech.
9. Tends to control: “Why didn’t you answer the SMS right away?”
10. Blames other people for his problems.
11. Jealous and suspicious without reason.
12. Quick to get closer and get married. Research has shown that many men who used domestic violence entered into marriages quickly, impulsively and under the influence of intense romantic infatuation.
13. Alcohol and drug abuse.
14. There was violence in the parents' family.

Being selective in dating and choosing the right man is the key to a happy relationship in the future. We always have only those relationships that we choose ourselves. Read about which women attract men who are prone to violence and how to behave with such men.

Good luck to you and see you soon on the pages of Samprosvetbyulleten!