Is my life worth living? Is it worth living with this person? How to understand yourself and make the right choice.
Question to a psychologist
Good day, my name is Anton. I am 21, a student, an athlete, a couple of serious flaws in appearance, lonely, inclined to learn and study everything new, thus, I plunged into the study of my shortcomings and the causes of loneliness. The situation looks like this: a guilt complex (I can’t make acquaintances with girls, because I’m ashamed in front of my family), I constantly cry from powerlessness (I can’t respond to my relatives’ insults), there hasn’t been anyone on my personal life for a long time and there won’t be, I probably often hear how bad I am and insignificant, there is no common language with people, I do everything only for the sake of others (being blown up in the middle of the night to save someone is in the order of things). I don’t drink at all, because everything ends in tears, I found peace in physical exercise and reading, and I started wondering whether it’s even worth living like this anymore? I'm 21, and I don't feel like a human anymore. If so, what and how to change?
Answers from psychologists
Hello Anton.
Life is worth living, always! Life is a process in which there are actually many options and the prohibition on choice is usually contained in a person’s head.
There are two sides to everything. One does not exist without the other. There are no tears without joy. This is the law of the universe. You have an exacerbation of deep-seated trauma. When you are sick with the flu, you know that it is temporary, despite the fact that your body aches and it is sometimes difficult to even get out of bed. but at the same time, there is an understanding that this is only temporary and it is necessary to help the body get through this by supporting it with vitamins and a certain regimen and procedures.
It’s the same in psychology - you apply the right procedures and medications and the “disease” frees you. In this case, these are some painful emotions that seem to be “stuck” in you. The change lies precisely in action - action aimed at working directly with this feeling of pain.
Love.
Osintseva Anastasia, psychologist, Obninsk
Anton, your life was not given to you, and it is not for you to decide when to end it... Look at the problem from the other side: not WHY am I like this, but WHY was I given this test? Perhaps, having walked this path with dignity, you will be a different person, you will understand something, you will hear something in yourself? There is a postulate: “The Lord does not give a cross heavier than a person can bear.” And ending your life is the easiest and simplest decision. I think a course of psychotherapy will help you become more confident in yourself and not be afraid of the opinions of your relatives. Do THEY live your life? After all, you have only one, every day will never be the same, whether it is good or bad. Everything is in your power. If you want to change something, look for a psychologist, work with your inner world, and not just your body with the help of physical exercises. don't be afraid to live. Good luck to you!
Melnikova Olga Borisovna, psychologist Nizhny Novgorod
Good answer 0 Bad answer 3 
It’s worth changing your attitude towards yourself. When you feel bad, insignificant, then of course you want to isolate yourself and hide.
how to change? - understand why these feelings are so necessary. It will be difficult on your own, it’s better to work with a specialist.
That's what psychotherapy is for.
Sincerely, Galushkina Marina Kubaevna, psychotherapist. Saint Petersburg
Good answer 0 Bad answer 1I can’t make acquaintances with girls because I’m ashamed in front of my family
Why are you ashamed? Do your family deny your need for privacy? Do they consider her “indecent”? But even if they deny it, you are an adult. At the same time, apparently, they have not yet internally separated from their relatives and are not yet able to feel like a fully grown-up. You can try to understand your relationship with your relatives yourself:
http://psyhelp24.ru/parents-children/
I can’t respond to my family’s insults
I often hear how bad and insignificant I am
Try to take steps towards realizing your own self-esteem:
http://psyhelp24.ru/uncertainty/
I have no common language with people, I do everything just for the sake of others
This training is about communicating with people, how to make acquaintances, how to build boundaries, how to say “no” yourself and accept the refusals of others:
http://psyhelp24.ru/kak-zavodit-dryzei/
You can now start doing a lot for yourself, and if at some point obstacles arise, you will know more precisely what exactly you cannot cope with and will be able to more clearly define the task to a specialist.
Sincerely, Nesvitsky A.M., psychologist, consultations on Skype
Good answer 3 Bad answer 0Worth it... Why?
To fall in love for the first time in your life. Then experience the bitterness of disappointment, mental pain, suffering, resentment... Fall in love again and again believe that this love is the same - for life...
To fray your nerves, load your brains and get a stomach ulcer while studying at a university, so that when you come to your first working day in life, you hear from your boss: “Forget everything you were taught at the university”...
Create a family, have children, and devote your life to them. Until they “fledge” and “take wing”...
Build a house. And repair it, and rebuild, and add to it every year. Then spit and install a new one. And it has to be remodeled, completed and repaired every year too...
To plant a tree. Then the second, so that there is something to “add on” to the swing for children. Then every spring I cut off the branches of these trees, sweating and swearing because I wasn’t smart enough to buy a ready-made swing...
Get into debt for construction, for a car, for a fur coat for your wife, for a trip somewhere... Then you freak out, paying off loans, and every time you remember the proverb “you take someone else’s for a while, you give away yours and forever.”
Quarreling with the cashier in the supermarket because she didn’t give her change, and seething with anger because she is stress-resistant.
Step on someone’s foot and have time to apologize with a disarming smile of remorse before that someone pours a “bucket of dirt” on you.
Set goals for yourself every morning, and every evening regret the lack of time, the lack of willpower or health. In general, find an excuse for yourself.
Make enemies. Earn the trust of friends. And every day prove to your other half how much you love - how you can love, and how you can...
To wait for grandchildren and understand the meaning of the proverb “grandchildren are sweeter than children”...
And at the end of your life, remember being a student with an ulcer, a resort town, reckless friendly get-togethers, your first-born in maternity hospital diapers, your first car and your first kiss with your neighbor down the street... And trying to remember that cashier, but never remembering, blaming it all on damn sclerosis. Because human memory erases all the bad, leaving you only good memories and the best of those you met on your life’s path...
Why live? Contrary to the general belief that “no one needs anyone, owes nothing and is not obliged to do anything,” imposed on our society in the post-perestroika period by Western psychologists, in fact, we are all tied up, dependent on each other and do not live for ourselves. Everyone who has a brain and knows how to use it must understand that you exist, which means that “someone needs it.”
Your work activity provides someone with something necessary: from bricks for building a house to a loaf of bread and a glass of milk on the table... And we earn money in order to purchase something that we ourselves do not have, and thereby provide income for someone, and if he is lucky, then he will make a profit.
Your emotions, be it love or hatred, are also vital for someone: love inspires, and hatred develops character. Both yours and someone else's. Even your indifference makes sense...
Your parents need you because you are all they have.
Friends need you - they count on you in moments of difficulty and wait for the moment when they can thank you according to your merits.
Competitors need it because they can see from you and your successes or failures where to grow next and what not to do.
Your enemies need it so that they can feel like winners if your inner core suddenly breaks.
Gossipers, envious people and spiteful critics need it - if it weren’t for you, they wouldn’t even have anything to talk about!
And it is necessary for a loved one - so that he can simply breathe...
And life... It’s like that... This is it - “doesn’t owe anything to anyone and doesn’t owe anything.” But you have the right - the right to live. And there is freedom - freedom of choice, freedom of will, freedom of personality. But no one needs such freedom when no one depends on you, and you are not dependent on anyone. Like in a vacuum - free floating in space and time.
Only the emptiness in my soul gives rise to doubt: is it worth living? Those who strive to be needed by others, and society as a whole, have other questions: “how to manage everything” and “how to prolong life”...
Every year on 10 September, the World Health Organization (WHO), with the support of the International Association for Suicide Prevention, observes World Suicide Prevention Day to strengthen commitment and encourage action to prevent suicide worldwide.
- Mom, I'm getting married.
- On whom?
- On Katya.
- Yes? Where will you live?
– Mom, Katya is emo. She doesn't want to live at all.
(youth humor)
Then the devil takes Him to the holy city and places Him on the wing of the temple, and says to Him: If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down. (Matthew 4:5-6).
For many people, the question of the meaning of life is the lot of philosophizing lazy people. What's the point? There is no time to think. Subway, work, household, family. There, retirement is not far off. However, it is the question of meaning that can force a person to live with meaning. Or, not finding an answer, stop your life yourself.
Most people come face to face with the question of the meaning of their life only at a funeral, but this question is so painful that even in the presence of the deceased it is much easier to dissolve it with vanity, Olivier with vodka, rituals - so that everything is “as it should be”, “as in people".
Or maybe there really is no point? What meaning can there be when a person is doomed to rot, and along with his body everyone he loves and everything he has created will disappear?
It is the question of death that is the beginning of any serious spiritual path of a person who does not hide, but goes to the end. “A vain gift, a random gift, life, why were you given to me?” recalled his Parisian youth:
“The need to know dominated: am I going into complete nothingness, or? .. After all, if I die, then with my death the whole cosmos dies within me. Even God. My death is the end of all existence in general... When I rested my head on my hands, I felt a skull in my hands, and the image of death stood before me. My “normal reaction” told me that I was still young and healthy, and that death was perhaps still far away, that, naturally, I could live another forty or fifty years, but in response to this a voice burst in with force, who said: “At least a thousand, and then what?”
However, if a person seems to have no meaning, maybe there really is none? Isn't the question of meaning an expression of its absence? “And God saw that it was good”: while a person is happy and sees beauty, he does not ask about the meaning.
But the world, having retained echoes and reflections of paradise, ceased to be beautiful. It has become a scary place; the world has killed God, and now it is impossible to love him. A Christian, when the Sacrament of Baptism is performed on him, ceases to exist for the world in the same way as someone who jumps onto a highway from a pedestrian bridge. He is dying. But a suicide only fixes a desperate, embittered and indifferent state forever, taking it into cold eternity.
With a Christian it is different; having died once, he will never die. Does death come twice? The concepts of life and death in Christianity change; those who, according to worldly measurements, are dead (Mother of God, saints), for us are more alive than the living. Those who are biologically alive often turn out to be the walking dead, as in the sad but instructive a movie about a clown resurrected by a sip of Coca-Cola.
The suicide moves, as it seems to him, from life to death. The Christian, on the contrary, does not feel fully alive, and seeks the “abundant life” that Christ promised him. “Deathed by my passions revive».
Suicide is often the fate of an intelligent and sensitive person who understands that the world has become too sad a place to live in.
But wait, don't rush. There is another way not to live in a world of resurrected clowns. “Whoever looks at the world as they look at a bubble, as they look at a mirage, is not seen by the king of death,” said Buddha. You can be invisible to the world, die for it, but remain alive. What makes something alive? Why does your body live and your soul not die? Where is the source of this mysterious breath that calls everything on Earth to life? If the source of life is God (“Every soul is given life by the Holy Spirit,” is sung at the service), then a person is alive only when he is alive for God and God is alive for him.
It happens, of course, that talking about suicide is not a search for meaning, but only a way to attract attention. Narcissism will not even allow itself to be scratched; however, most of those who ended their lives spoke with loved ones and friends, but were not heard or taken seriously by anyone. This means that the fate of the future suicide is largely in the hands of those around him.
It’s one thing to keep someone on the edge for whom a near and quick end is so desirable. But what should a person do who, due to mental, mental, or even physical characteristics, is forced live with thoughts of suicide?
Once upon a time there was a website called mysuicide.ru. They say that the site saved many (as was the photo on the main page - a tag tied to the big toe) - but not its founder. In his diary, he wrote: “Only a person who puts his life on it can save a suicide (a REAL one - not a neurotic, not a reflective youth). Apparently, there was no such person next to him.
Many times I have found myself around people for whom God did not exist. And if there is no God, then everything is bad. Very bad. The only way out in this situation is to become God for this person yourself, to do everything you can, emptying yourself to the end. Then His power will work through you. Then a person will have hope.
But the decision, in the end, is made by the person himself. Behind his shoulder stands the one who raised Christ to the wing of the temple and whispers: it seems to a person that he hears his own voice.
“Nobody needs/needs me,” how many people repeat these words? You often hear them from the older generation, but behind them, as a rule, there is selfishness and nothing more.
My friend, where did you get the idea that by the very fact of your existence someone should need you?
The doctor knows that he is needed because he heals. The teacher knows that he is needed because he teaches. Is there any benefit to your existence? In the West, people often collaborate with charitable organizations when they retire; they like to give their time and energy to someone. We (especially in the outback) do not have such organizations; The Church could serve its neighbors by helping people understand that Christianity, after all, is not just a cult.
We are reproached, and quite rightly:
But this doesn't happen. There are more and more lonely people, on the one hand, and on the other, more and more people who want to complain to the priest about their uselessness and rejection, including by their children, whom they never taught that life is the ability to give, and not just take.
There is a wonderful ascetic principle: what to do when you feel bad. Grief is not overcome by chocolate candy, but by greater sorrow. Therefore, to be in a hospital, in prison, at the bedside of a dying person is a blessing from God. If a person finds himself next to someone who is worse off than himself, and effectively serves him, then his own world finds harmony and balance. In this regard, the root of suicide is pride, selfishness, and, ultimately, a person’s turning only towards himself.
However, there is an even more effective way to overcome lesser sorrow with greater sorrow. It's called "repentance." There is no cry greater than a person's cry for himself. I thought about this once again when in the evening on Spiritual Day we read in the church the canon to the Holy Spirit, which the Monk Maxim the Greek wrote, according to legend, in charcoal on the wall while imprisoned in the Volokolamsk monastery.
He left his homeland to serve the Russian Church, and the Church itself (not heretics and not atheists!) took everything from him - the priesthood, freedom, the opportunity to engage in theological works. Was it possible not to become embittered, not to despair, not to go crazy? The answer is in the words of the canon itself:
“My accursed soul was saddened by the bitter passions of the flesh, and in those, as in the last abysses, I always drown, my Savior, I pray to You: revive me with the streams of Your life-giving source.”
It turns out that even in the most sorrowful circumstances, you can turn your attention inward and, without succumbing to self-pity, take time to restore your own soul.
St. John Climacus calls this crying “joyful.”
“In the abyss of mourning there is consolation; and purity of heart receives enlightenment. Enlightenment is an ineffable action, understood in an unknown way and invisibly visible. Consolation is the cooling of a sick soul, which, like a baby, cries internally and at the same time smiles joyfully,” he writes.
Not soul-searching, but crying, which regenerates a person, is the only way to overcome pride and selfishness, which, in one form or another, lead a person to suicidal states. In him, a person knows God as a COMFORTER.
It is unlikely that a person who is confident that the Church is a space of love will cut his wrists out of despair. Suicide is a question for all of us, and the blue line of the cardiogram on the graph is the diagnosis of the country.
Why are there so many young people in village cemeteries? Is it not because Russian people live do not want, and absurd deaths “due to drunkenness” are a form of suicide of those who have no reason to live?
Let us finally remember the words of one of the most talented Russian suicides, Alexander Bashlachev.
Good afternoon Please tell me, I am 31 years old, married for the second time, with two children from different marriages. The first marriage probably didn’t work out because of both my and my husband’s stupidity. But we loved each other, but our parents did not love each other and each mother set us against each other, my mother believed that he was not a man, did not earn money, and generally could not do anything, and his mother did not like me.
Well, how did it happen that we both just freaked out and parted ways, and then my pride began to play, I couldn’t ask him to come back. And he doesn’t know why, maybe for this reason too, or maybe not. Then, to spite him, I decided to marry someone else, he was from Moscow, rich, looked into my mouth, carried me in his arms, but that was at the beginning. At first we lived together, I quickly became pregnant for the second time, I was afraid to have an abortion, it was a sin! We got married and stayed at home and didn’t work, so he was constantly jealous of my child, he started drinking, although he always drank, he began to humiliate me, that I was nobody, and I should be grateful to him that he took me with the child, raised his hands against me, I was constantly blackmailing, either with money or that my children would be taken away from me. I’ve been living in my second marriage for 6 years, or rather I’m not living, but I’m suffering. I sat at home for 4 years, did not work, because at first I was pregnant, then I looked after the child from the second home until I sent her to kindergarten, I could not go to work, as there was no one to leave with the children. All this time my husband was drinking and partying, and was constantly blackmailing me with money, but I was judging everything, I was afraid to leave him, I still raised my hands, there were constant scandals, I had nowhere to go. After I sent my child to kindergarten, I looked for a job for a very long time. Now the work situation seems to have improved, but the salary is still small. But when I went to work, I felt like a human being. Yes, he understood this too and changed a little. I didn’t have any feelings for my husband at all after all his humiliation, but appeared for someone else. The other one says that he loves me very much despite the fact that I have two children. But I also feel sorry for leaving my husband behind. And I’m afraid to start a new relationship, in case it doesn’t work out again. Here, after work, my friends and I went to a cafe, warned him that I would be out for a walk, came home late, but he started beating and beating everyone at home, he raised his hands at me again, I decided to divorce him, I said that I was leaving him, but He keeps asking me to give him a second chance, and I know that nothing will change, although he says that he understood everything and that he won’t behave like that.
Psychologist's answer:
Hello, Elena!
I want to say right away that the situation you are in cannot have a simple solution! Therefore, for me personally, your hesitation is understandable. And yet, you can find many options for getting out of this situation, but they will depend on your position that you take in it, both focusing on your feelings and considering the impact of this situation on children.
Let's look at the events that you outlined together! If I understood you correctly, then the marriage itself was not built on “high feelings” for each other! According to you, it was concluded “out of spite” for your ex-husband. It seems to me that there is resentment towards him, perhaps due to his lack of determination in defending your relationship, and
the desire to prove to him that you are in demand, interesting to others, not the best adviser in matters of love and marriage!
It is possible that you were also driven by the desire to prove to yourself your worth as a woman, especially when the courtship of another admirer takes place at the level of “carries in his arms, looks into his mouth.” When such “requests” for confirmation of oneself “work”, it is very difficult to remain objective and notice some kind of falsity in the relationship! At the same time, a person unconsciously tells another how exactly he would like to receive confirmation of this significance of his! Hence such a response from the other! At the same time, perhaps this other is guided by his own “scenario” for the development of relations. It can be based on a system of regular trading - “today I am for her, and tomorrow she is for me!” Then, upon achieving the goal set by this person, such drastic changes in behavior are possible! After all, now she “must demonstrate to me MY importance”! And this could be a need for support, or a desire to dominate in a relationship, or even an aggressive manifestation of the desire to dominate by any means!
Not surprisingly, when such changes occur, an “epiphany” occurs. Why haven't I seen this before? How could I be so mistaken about a person? Why did he become like this?
The answer to these questions is simple - for the most part it was like that, it’s just that while you were busy realizing your “own importance”, you did not pay attention to the manifestations of such traits as incontinence, aggressiveness (possibly as a manifestation of the desire to possess you autocratically).
Now, over time, you have the opportunity to once again reconsider your relationship, only now taking a more sober look at what is happening. Review and evaluate them - how much do they satisfy you as a woman, as a mother? How long and for what purposes are you ready to continue such a relationship? How can they benefit or harm your children's development? Do you have the opportunity, strength and desire to change your life? When you can answer all these questions for yourself, you will definitely find a solution!
Despite the fact that every woman or man has the right to build their relationships according to their own choice, for which they take responsibility, when these same men and women become fathers and wives, the level of responsibility for such a choice increases many times over! Now they also carry it for their children! Their mental state, the present and future of which depends on the development of the parents’ relationship, must also be taken into account when deciding on the development or possibility of continuing the relationship! Whether they will be “traumatic” factors with which children enter adulthood, or whether this traumatic component will be minimal, now depends on you, too!
So, gather courage, wisdom and determination so that your decision is as informed as possible from all these angles! And the “scales” on which you will have to weigh the pros and cons, and the weights for them are in your hands! Choice is something that every person makes all the time! Don't give up on it and don't put it off until later, when time may already be lost!
I don’t ask for any special help because I still won’t get anything other than the words “you’re strong, you can handle it.” I won’t start with stories about a difficult childhood. Somewhere in it I am guilty in my own way.
I am 27 years old. There is no work as always (occasionally only odd jobs). I have been ill for 5 years (diagnosis: anxiety-depressive disorder complicated by autonomic dysfunction, senestopathies due to cardiophobia). At first I thought I was dying. Ambulances, emergency rooms and hospitals. No somatic basis was identified. However, it felt bad, as if it was some kind of heart pathology and I was dying. I spent 2 years like this. Then the district council of doctors, together with the chief of medicine, sent me to the emergency department and assigned me a doctor. Over time it got better. There was even a long remission during which I, so to speak, looked for work and walked in nature. He became a volunteer of the search and rescue team, in which he conducted activities without any complaints.
The person himself is not the life of the party, always giving in to personal problems. There is no education as such (self-taught + Cisco, VMWare certificates). I participated in amateur projects from which I did not receive much development as a specialist. If they hired me, seeing that I was a gentle person, they used me and threw me away. Well, I'm such a peculiar person. I don’t know how to fit into a company. There was also a first love that became a trigger for the disease because the person was simply mocking me, and I was blind in my feelings. By nature, I am gentle; I don’t like conflicts and don’t throw punches. Sometimes I can stand up for myself and my loved ones. Which, by the way, I don’t have except a couple of relatives. Actually, when I got sick, all the so-called friends forgot about me, and some even openly betrayed me. Why would anyone want to know someone like that? Moreover, in appearance I am so-so. But he himself was never the first to turn away from anyone.
Over the past year, the pain has worsened. I don’t trust doctors and continue to trust my feelings. In hot weather I can barely walk at all. I spend money on medicine. The attending physician is silent. The internal state of one’s uselessness has also worsened and it will only get worse. It seems that my social and life inadequacy is already congenital and then I see only worse, no matter how hard I try.
There will only be lies, betrayals and deceptions. I don't know if life is worth living.
It's disgusting to live. And dying is even more sickening. Honestly.
And I wrote the text now impulsively and verbosely. With typos and errors.
Support the site:
DarkCat, age: 27 / 07/07/2016
Responses:
Hello! Maybe change doctor since yours is silent. It is better not to self-medicate. Look for a feasible job, work and employment will help you cope with bad thoughts. On Orthodox dating sites you can look for your other half. Communicate with those with whom you feel comfortable; noisy companies are really not everyone’s cup of tea. I wish you health and all the best!
Irina, age: 28 / 07/07/2016
Hello. Do you want to feel needed? Help your neighbors. There are many hopelessly ill people on the Internet who need money for a stroller or for expensive medications (do this regularly, say once a week, regardless of the amount). Don’t expect a miracle right away, you’ll have to break yourself for a couple of months. What's the point of living? Well, if you believe in Christ, then you should confess and give up sinful habits (for example, men are most often attracted to pornography). You can read Nick Vujicic’s book Life without Borders, it’s autobiographical, follow its recommendations, it will help.
BADman, age: 27 / 07/07/2016
Hello! Young man, why not live? Who knows what awaits you around the corner? I also have problems with my mental state and with the autonomic system; one summer was generally difficult, my blood pressure jumped up greatly, it was impossible to be outside... Nowadays there are no completely healthy people at all. Some people have depression, others have VSD. Some people have it all together. From my experience, I would advise you this: firstly, do not stress yourself out even more. There are people who are disabled from birth, who live, work, and look for themselves in this world, although they have objective limitations on their actions. Imagine what would happen if, instead of everything, they sat still and reasoned: is it worth living, why was I born this way, why should I do this, maybe it’s better to stop everything... No. Such people struggle. Why don't you compete too? You can really handle it, you're just really tired. Thank God that you are not experiencing severe pain, that your arms and legs are intact, that you do not have painful hallucinations... Everything is not so bad for you, you just need to look at it objectively. You are very tired, that's understandable. Try to rest. Unload your head from bad thoughts. Don’t think about what happened, who used you and betrayed you - these are their sins, this is the past. It no longer concerns you. Live now. Think about how you can improve your mental state. I also have an anxiety disorder, which is based on fear. Think about what you fear most. And on the other hand, if you think about death... Do you have anything to be afraid of? What could be worse than death, when nothing can be changed, complete hopelessness? And you are striving for it... So what else do you have to worry about?
Relax, go to nature, find a place, an environment where you will feel comfortable, where you want not to think about the bad. Go in for sports, the kind that you can, at least exercise every day.
Good health to you. Don't think about death, life is short anyway.